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Pat Hoertdoerfer Children, Family, and Intergenerational Programs Director Department of Religious Education, UUA Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times By William J. Doherty Notre Dame, IN: Sorin Books, 2000 ISBN 1-893732-07-X 158 pages This is one of the most honest and insightful books I have ever read about raising children in turbulent times. I recommend that you consider using it in a parenting class or support group. Each participant will need a copy of the book and the following reflection/discussion questions can guide the facilitators of the gathered group. The goal is to engage parents (and other adults) in discussions that touch the heart, inform the mind, inspire the spirit, and build a sense of support and companionship among parents. Yet discussing the insights and implications of Take Back Your Kids can help a whole congregation articulate a philosophy of leadership and a practice of respectful teaching and learning as well as explore the relationships and responsibilities of confident parenting. Take Your Kids Back possible participant groups:
Doherty says he wrote this book because he sees a growing confidence gap among American parents. Yet he is convinced that we can close this terrible confidence gap without returning to authoritarian parenting. He believes, "we can be thoroughly modern parents who value each child's sensitivities and developmental needs while still having high expectations for children as persons who have responsibilities to family and community." Too often, Doherty states, parents merely provide services and opportunities for children, who in turn consider themselves "consumers of parental services." Parents regularly make sacrifices in time and money they perceive to benefit their children. Take Back Your Kids shows that occasionally saying no to a child's wish or denying a costly and time-consuming endeavor will allow for more meaningful family interactions. Doherty describes the skills necessary to be a confident parent -- the importance of firm boundaries on behavior, an understanding of flexible and effective communication, the courage to express constructive anger and endure the consequences. Doherty maintains that children respect and appreciate the exercise of authority in the context of loving family relationships. He also concedes that maintaining those relationships may be difficult amid modern media distractions in the consumer culture of our current turbulent times. But Take Back Your Kids offers a blueprint to help parents adapt to the changes and create a better future for their children. About the Author William Doherty grew up in a tightly knit Irish American working-class family in which "family-time was the highest priority." When he and his wife were raising their two children they placed great value on meaningful time together at meals, school and church commitments, and volunteer community activities. He is a professor of family social science and director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. Currently he is balancing his practice as a marriage and family therapist and his lecture circuit across the country on family issues with his teaching and writing. His previous book The Intentional Family was published in 1997 and shows how families can use everyday rituals to improve the quality of their relationships. Doherty has been a Unitarian Universalist for 23 years and presently serves on our Curriculum Visioning Committee. Suggested Format I encourage you to adjust the format to meet the needs of your group. My initial recommendation would be to invite participants to meet two times for about two and a half hours. You may want to expand your meetings and/or create a parents' support group that continues to meet in your congregation. You may want to enhance the group's agenda with a discussion of The Intentional Family. A group size of at least 12 persons and not more than 20 is recommended. Consider dividing into pairs or groups of three or four when the discussion questions invite participants to share responses and personal in- depth experiences. Yet it is important for the group to engage as a whole, especially for the opening check-in and closing reflection. Establish Ground Rules It is important that the participants agree upon the group's guidelines for openness and sharing. At your first meeting engage participants in a brief discussion of the values of respect and confidentiality in a group and the destructive effects of sarcasm and put-downs. By establishing a norm of respect for each other and the expressions shared within the group, you ensure safety and comfort for all participants. And everyone will be accountable to the group's needs. Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times by William Doherty Discussion/Reflection Questions
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