But when Grace was an infant, we kept waiting for that other shoe to drop, to begin to resent her even as we loved her. That day has yet to come. In listening to the experiences of other parents, we have come to realize that our lives have not been turned upside down by the arrival of our daughter because of two key elements: We carefully created the space in which to welcome a child into our lives, and we share the child care equally.

When Barbara got pregnant four years ago, it was no accident. As a lesbian couple, our reproductive choices are a bit more deliberate than those of most of our straight counterparts. We faced big questions with deep implications unique to our circumstances: Which one of us would carry the baby? Would we choose a known or unknown donor? How would we protect a child from the certain impact of homophobia? We also faced the standard issues of what last name to give the child, what first name to give the child (since Barbara prefers nerdy royal family names and I like pretentious soap opera names), and whether or not to find out the gender of the baby ahead of time.

As we played out various scenarios (Would s/he know the father? Who would be the biological mother? In what community and school would our child be treated respectfully?), this fictional person soon came into sharp focus. Beyond offering the basic advantage of having two parents who loved each other and wanted a baby, we decided to make careful choices that would give our child the best shot at a happy, healthy life.

Since this world can be unwelcoming to those who are different, we shored ourselves up as a family in every way we could. We got involved in our local community, getting to know the mayor, members of the City Council and the school board, the superintendent of schools, the chief of police, the head of the PTA, local social justice activists and concerned parents. We worked to improve race relations in our city. We enlisted child care support and advice from family and friends. We found a talented OB/GYN who was tickled to subvert tradition, and a hospital in New York City that had all kinds of family constellations coming through the labor and delivery unit. We interviewed doctors until we found a pediatric practice that had a significant share of lesbian families. We joined a Unitarian Universalist church to expand our community and to provide spiritual guidance for our whole family.

Closer to home, we simplified our lives. We threw out or gave away much of our dust-gathering stuff to make room for a truly frightening amount of baby equipment. We decided that Barbara, being of sounder health and corporate benefits, would carry the baby; and I, being of a more flexible nature and preferring to work in my pajamas, would be the stay-at-home parent. When we settled on Barbara as the biological mother, we shifted the time frame of when to have the baby to better fit her work projects. By working extra hours ahead of time and spending less money, we were both able to take a three-month maternity leave. We went on a few last flings: attending a Cherokee stomp dance deep in the woods of Oklahoma, dancing in Seattle grunge clubs until the wee hours of the morning, and having dinner at a quiet, elegant restaurant in New York City. Barbara's dad helped us paint the nursery while her mom sorted through baby clothes.

Even though Grace arrived a few days early, we were as ready as two brand spanking new parents with no real clue could be. Grace's was a cesarean birth, so Barbara spent the first few weeks primarily recovering from her surgery and nursing the baby. I ended up doing the rest - changing diapers, burping the baby, rocking her to sleep, and along the way, developing my own deep bond with Grace. From the start, we shared the tasks of child care and we each had a special connection with the baby.

Some of our friends and acquaintances have commented that that's how things go when there are two mothers. But we haven't done anything that a straight couple couldn't do. The main difference between us and a mother-father family is that we are free of the traditional expectations that limit the possibilities of what each parent is allowed or expected to do.

Our son was born six weeks ago. Despite our careful planning, this time we face an uncertain future as Barbara's company struggles to survive and my latest book proposal has yet to be swept up. Still, Sam has arrived in a strong, centered family with loving parents and a proud-as-punch big sister, and that's what really matters.