The Second Family: How Adolescent Power is Challenging the American Family
By Dr. Ron Taffel with Melinda Blau
New York: St. Martin's Press, 2001
ISBN 0-312-26137-3, 204 pages

Are you struggling to make sense of today's teen culture? Are you perplexed by the apparent paradox of adolescent behavior and teenage altruism? Do you yearn to better understand the preteens/teenagers in your household, the adolescents in your congregation, and/or the youth in your community? Please read this book! Then consider gathering with other parents of teens and preteens in your congregation or with parents and teachers of teenagers in your school system to reflect and discuss the implications of this book. Using the following reflection/discussion questions your group can reflect on their own family dynamics and discuss ways to increase listening, practice effective communication, and balance compassion and expectations between the generations.

The Second Family possible participant groups:

• parents of preadolescents in a UU congregation
• parents of adolescents in a UU congregation
• parents with RE leaders and youth advisors of youth programs
• parents and youth advisors in a UU district
• RE committees and youth adult committees
• parents of adolescents in a school district
• parents of preadolescents in a school district
• parents and teachers/administrators of adolescents in a school district

Description
Family therapist Ron Taffel with contributions from co-author Melinda Blau describes the phenomenon of teens building relationships with friends -- their "second family" -- that rival and sometimes supplant those with family members. Through stories and interviews, The Second Family helps parents understand and deal with those peer relationships and advises parents to extend "the empathic envelope," or balance empathy and expectation, to reach their children. The authors offer frank accounts of teen sex, drug and alcohol abuse, lying, cheating, and more. And they cite the usual reasons for teen alienation from families - divorce, the busyness of two-income families, burgeoning technology, and moral relativism. Yet Taffel holds out hope to struggling parents and encourages them to "listen without judging" and to balance compassion with expectations. This is a valuable resource for parents, educators, and clergy.

About the authors
Dr. Ron Taffel is a noted child and family therapist and author of Parenting by Heart, Why Parents Disagree, and Nurturing Good Children Now. He consults with schools, religious communities, and community organizations around the country. He and his wife live in New York City with their teen and preteen children.

Melinda Blau is an award-winning journalist who often specializes in parenting issues and the author of Families Apart and Loving and Listening. She is the mother of two grown children and lives in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Discussion/Reflection Questions

1. In the prologue Taffel states that through their behavior teenagers are telling us everything we need to know, not just about themselves, but about ourselves.
   • How did you feel about this assertion when you started reading the book? How do you feel now?
   • Do you see yourself in this mirror of consumer culture, overscheduled days, career over family, relief through drugs or alcohol, comfort zone?
   • What are some of the positive reflections in this mirror that you see?
2. "We don't understand our children," writes Taffel, who describes Planet Youth as a place of acceptance and belonging, fun and comfort.
   • Describe Planet Youth from your own experience at home, in your congregation, and in your community.
   • How does Planet Youth differ from your own peer experience as an adolescent?
3. The authors contend that the powerful force of the "second family" is pulling teenagers from their families at home and changing the very nature of adolescence.
   • Define the "second family" phenomenon. Is this just a new name for peer pressure and generational rebellion?
   • What are the enticements of the "second family"?
   • On pages 41-46 the authors describe three loosely defined levels of escalating second-family involvement: introduction, exploration, and comfort. Do you agree with this continuum? Why or why not?
   • What are some ways you have encountered this powerful "second family" force?
4. Does the peer culture of the "second family" support children and youth in ways that parents have failed to support them? Explain.
   • Compare and contrast the patterns of communication and rituals of connection between the first and second family.
   • What are some ways you have built connections and relationships between your family and your children's family?
5. Taffel explains why it is imperative for parents to extend the "empathic envelope" and balance their expectations with empathy if they want to reach their children.
   • Describe the "empathic envelope" and give successful and unsuccessful examples of the ways you have tried to balance expectation and empathy with your children.
   • Do you err on the side of empathy or expectation with your children? How have you been able to change behaviors to achieve greater balance?
6. The authors claim that today's adolescents feel entitled to independence and parents need to motivate them to earn their parents' trust. "Teenagers must accept this notion: privileges and privacy are not entitlements; they must be earned." (page 135)
   • Do you agree with the authors' assertion? How have you set limits on privileges, spoken with authority and clarity around standards, and/or enforced fair consequences or punishments in matters of trust? How has it worked?
   • On page 157 there is a list of Dos and Don'ts of Adult Involvement. What would you change or add to this list?
7. How has technology, including computers and the worldwide web, affected your children and your relationships with your children? What impact have commercialism and materialism had on your family? How have you addressed these issues?
8. Taffel calls for a new paradigm of adult partnerships that connects parents in the community and parents and teachers in school alliances to increase communication and develop programs that truly reflect the needs of today's youth.
   • What successful partnerships exist in your community?
   • What meaningful support groups for families exist in your congregation?
   • What partnerships need to be fostered in your congregation or community to nurture love, honesty, communication, and responsibility for families at home?
9. What did you learn about adolescents from this book? What did you learn about American families from this book?
10. What did you learn about yourself from this book?