I believe deep in my soul that raising healthy, compassionate and strong children is what all of us should be about on this earth, whether or not we are parents. As adults, working with and parenting children brings out the best and the worst in us. Children can be mirrors of our most joyous moments and our most frightening childhood fears. They can expose our vulnerability and at times makes us feel like failures as adults. This, along with the need for a well-ordered existence, can cause many adults to want children to be seen and not heard.

My experiences with UU churches over the years have taught me how dedicated and creative most UUs are about providing religious education experiences for our children. Recently, through the RE Learning Differences Project, I have come to a more complete understanding and appreciation of the difficulties that many churches face in order to provide a meaningful children religious education ministry. And, I have come to realize that some churches do not consider children central to their ministry and would prefer that children had a separate, seen but not heard, program. Other churches struggle constantly with balancing the needs of children with the needs of adults. In order to be a welcoming place for all children, including special needs children, it is essential that the children’s RE ministry is considered an integral part of the worshiping community, not a separate program.

This newsletter will attempt to discuss some of the issues of creating a RE ministry that is welcoming to all children and youth. The first article, Of Course We Care For Our Children, addresses the issues of making RE an integral part of the church community and explores ideas for helping churches start or reaffirm their commitment to a religious education ministry. What Do You Mean, Special Needs, discusses how to educate the church community concerning the special needs of their children. UU Churches Ideas for Involving Special Needs Children shares successful strategies for creating a welcoming RE ministry for all children. And finally, there is a listing of the resources that were used for this issue of Involve. I hope that in the process of creating a welcoming ministry for all children, everyone will see the "fathomless universe of possibilities and feelings" in each unique child and will listen to "the hidden laughter of children in the foliage."

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle
How deeply you’re connected to my soul.
(Words and music by Libby Roderick)

I love this song. I sing it when I want to feel better about myself and I sing it to honor my children. I sometimes think that adults who have difficulty being around children would benefit from singing this song. When I hear of churches that have an adversarial relationship between RE and the regular church program or just want RE to be a separate program, out of sight out of mind, I wonder if the words to this song would have any impact.

I am sure that if almost any UU were asked how children were treated in their church, they would answer, of course we care for our children. Our UU principles help build a basis for this belief and after all, our cultural myth supposedly asks, who can be against motherhood and apple pie and of course, children? I am constantly humbled and inspired by the creativity and commitment of UUs who work in religious education. Yet, there are UU churches that see children as a problem to be solved rather than an integral part of its ministry. We as Unitarian Universalists are not immune from our country’s malaise about children. If we look too closely, we see a country that "has the capacity but not the moral commitment and political will to protect all its young." (Marion Wright Edelman)

Marion Wright Edelman in her book, The Measure of Our Success, talks about her childhood and how involved adults were in the lives of the children in her community and she sees too many adults today, abdicating their responsibilities toward children with terrible societal results. "The adults in our churches and community made children feel valued and important. They took time and paid attention to us. They struggled to find ways to keep us busy. And while life was often hard and resources scarce, we always knew who we were and that the measure of our worth was inside our heads and hearts and not outside in our possessions or on our backs. We were told that the world had a lot of problems, but that we were able and obligated to struggle and change them; that being poor was no excuse for not achieving; and that extra intellectual and material gifts brought with them the privilege and responsibility of sharing with others less fortunate. In sum, we learned that service is the rent we pay for living. It is the very purpose of life and not something you do in you spare time." Our UU churches, for the most part, strive to be places where children can feel valued and important and learn the worth and consequence of service. Let us continue this work of love.

The following are ideas for fostering a more welcoming church community for children and hence all of us. They are not offered in any special rank order of what should be done first. You know best where your church stands in the process. Some churches may need to reassess who they are and what they believe in order to understand their ministry to children and before the RE program can consider being more welcoming to all children, including special needs children. Other churches just need some new ideas and new approaches for evaluating their RE ministry. These are just a few ideas. I am sure that there are churches who have other wonderful ideas not covered in this article and I would be happy to share your ideas, successes and difficulties.

• Do a mission statement for the RE program by involving the entire congregation. Set up an intergenerational RE mission committee. Be sure to include on this committee representatives from all groups: parents, elders, youth, ministers, and people on the various church committees such as governing, music, RE, grounds and maintenance, church affairs, etc. Put people on this committee that are sympathetic to your cause because their purpose will be to help strategize on how to educate the entire congregation and involve them in writing the mission statement.
• Ask the entire congregation to answer the following question, either as part of the mission statement process or as a process of renewal and affirmation: What do you hope our children and youth will learn from participating in our church’s RE ministry? (I prefer the word ministry instead of program because it implies that it should be an integral part of the church’s overall mission.)
• Solicit the support of your minister(s). Ask them to be part of the process by devoting several Sunday sermons to the topic of what children mean to us.
• Borrow many of the ideas from the Welcoming Congregation process. This process of helping congregations be more welcoming to gays and lesbians includes valid and effective methods for helping congregations to understand an emotionally-charged issue and to foster change. Some of the ideas include: special forums, involvement of all church committees in discussion of the topic, articles in the church newsletter, special sermons, testimonies from church members, an ongoing committee to oversee the process, etc.
• Other questions to consider and ask include: what does it mean to be welcoming to all children and are we serving the children of all the adults who attend this church?
• If the process goes well, then the congregation can begin the process of affirming its ministry to its children. The process of affirmation should be the strengthening or start of an RE committee, and, depending on church size, the valuing of the RE ministry with a paid RE Director position. Follow your wisdom and proceed slowly. My biggest difficulty has always been in patiently letting the process work. Too many demands all at once just alienates. With your committee decide what can be accomplished in one year.

Children are connected to our souls. When we forget this, we cut out an essential part of who we are and why we are here. A church community that cherishes its children invariably learns to cherish all life. "If the child is safe, everyone is safe." (G. Campbell Morgan, The Children’s Playground in the City of God, The Westminster Pulpit, circa 1908) Building an intergenerational church community, one that hears the "hidden laughter of children in the foliage" and stops to listen to the wisdom of its elders is truly a place of enrichment, a place that can be welcoming to everyone. Let us continue this sacred work, for right now is the time.

People’s eyes have a tendency to glaze over when special needs children are mentioned. Talking about disabilities is an uncomfortable subject, one in which people would rather avoid than consider it could happen to them. Also, there are so many different types of disabilities, how can we accommodate all? Too often the needs of children with disabilities are pitted against the needs of other children. When resources are scarce, the fighting begins, especially in the school system. However, I know of churches where this is also happening. People are upset because too much time, attention and resources are being allocated to accommodate one or two children with serious disabilities. How can we as responsible and caring UU’s respond to the needs of children with disabilities without jeopardizing the needs of all our children?

If there is tension in your church concerning the inclusion of special needs children, then I would suggest looking first at the entire RE philosophy. It may be time to talk about how the church views its ministry to children as discussed in the first article. I strongly believe that any education about special needs children should be done within the context of the church’s ministry to children and youth. If the church wholeheartedly sees its ministry to children as central to the church’s being, then creating a welcoming program for all children, including those with disabilities, will be a natural part of its work and ministry.

Nevertheless, even with the calm and joyful acceptance that we should be serving all the children of our adult members, there is usually a need to do some training about disabilities. Identify where there is resistance. There may be a need for church-wide training or there may only be a need for training of the parent/teachers on how to handle certain disabilities. Also, identify what is the area of most concern. Is it making the church accessible or training teachers to be able to teach to learning differences? If it is building accessibility then the whole congregation needs to be part of an education process. Many churches get so hung up on how they are going to find the resources to make the building accessible, they forget that there is much that can be done in the meantime about interim accommodations and developing an inclusive RE ministry. Also, remember that while it is important to make the building accessible so that all can use it, there are children with emotional and learning differences that are always ongoing concerns.

Sensitizing people about disabilities is a huge subject and one in which a lot has been written. I can only begin to offer suggestion and ideas for training. In my church, I was amazed once we started discussing how to better serve learning differences how many people emerged that had some expertise working with children with special needs. Once you start the process in your church, I am sure you will discover people with special talents and expertise who can help with developing training. Also, do not forget the parents of children with special needs; they know where to go to find information and get help. (What to do about parents, who do not recognize their child’s difficulties, is a subject for another newsletter.)

Accessibility
I have noticed that resistance to renovating a building to make it accessible usually comes from a misunderstanding about the use of space. People look around and see one person in a wheel chair and secretly wonder about all of the expense to help a minority of people. Accessibility should be seen as a benefit to everyone - done carefully, not to just conform to codes, but to build a space that is liveable, functional, beautiful, and inclusive for everyone. Ramps, accessible bathrooms, elevators, hand grips, and larger more airy spaces not only help the person in a wheel chair but parents with strollers, pregnant women, small children, temporarily disabled individuals in casts or on crutches, the elderly, people with arthritis or heart problems, etc.

• Do some church-wide training on the use of space and how the changes benefit everyone. Talk about what image the church building conveys to the public: is it open and welcoming or closed and inhospitable?

Trying to make renovations all at once, especially to old buildings, can be overwhelming. Take a look at what can be done now with minimal expense. If a child with a physical disability can not get to the upstairs classroom, try and figure out a way to have the class meet downstairs. If there is no place to put a wheel chair in the sanctuary, take out a pew. If someone is having difficulty getting from the car to the building, designate an accessible parking space close to the entrance. Some of this seems very obvious, but you would be surprised how many times people overlook a simple solution.

• Assign a committee to look at accessibility issues, have them draw up a workable five year plan.

Disability Sensitivity Training
In all my 25-plus years working with disability issues, I am always aware that disabilities is a subject that most people do not want to talk about. Unless one has a disability oneself or one's child is disabled, it is not generally a cause that lights a fire in people’s hearts. I am not sure why this is, but I feel that it has something to do with fear or uneasiness that it could happen to anyone and guilt for an understandable feeling of relief that I do not have or my child does not have a disability. I know the reasons are more complex, but it is necessary to be aware of this reluctance when attempting to do training.

• Do some church-wide disability awareness training. (The National Easter Seal Society and its local chapters have some wonderful materials on disability awareness.)

I went to a lecture many years ago given by a woman who had a hidden disability. I will never forget her talk. She effectively challenged the prevailing beliefs about who is disabled, that disabilities were another person’s problem, and people’s reluctance to talk about disabilities. She started by asking people to raise their hands to the following questions. Who has a disability? (A few people raised their hands) Who knows someone with a disability? (A few more people raised their hands, but the overwhelming majority had not.) Then she started asking, How many of you know someone who has had a heart attack? How many of you know someone who suffers from arthritis? How many of you know someone who struggles with learning how to read? How many of you know someone who is depressed? How many of you know someone who is an alcoholic? How many of you know someone who is in chronic pain? How many of you know someone who has asthma? The questions continued until everyone in the auditorium had raised their hands. Then she talked about her disability of lupus, a highly debilitating skin disease that affects connective tissue, the kidney and spleen so that physical movement at times becomes terribly painful. Sometimes she looks and acts normal; other times she can barely move. She pointed out how many people you may meet in the course of a day that may have hidden disabilities such as lupus, diabetes, epilepsy, etc. Her point was obvious: that people with disabilities are not them but us; that any accommodations we make is not for them but for everyone; that it is fairly certain all of us in our lifetime will have to cope with disabilities either ourselves or with someone we love. I feel her approach could be used very effectively to foster awareness within the church congregation.

• Have the minister do some sermons on disability awareness. Testimonials are also very effective as well as mini forums and coffee hour talks.

Another effective way to get people to be more aware is to talk about people’s struggles in school and the different ways people learn. Helping people to remember their own school experiences can cause them to have more sympathy with their own children’s struggles. Hopefully, with some careful steering, discussion can center on the different ways children can learn and the different gifts each child brings to the religious education class.

• Teacher training about children’s differing learning styles and special needs is critical for the successful integration of special needs children in RE ministry. (Because a lot of time and attention needs to be given to this subject, I will devote an entire newsletter to teacher training and the different components that make up a comprehensive and effective RE ministry.)

For further helpful materials around accessibility, please contact Jacqui James, of the UUA's Faith in Action Dept.

The following are some ideas that churches are using to foster awareness concerning special needs children and to encourage a comprehensive RE ministry for all children. Much of what is shared here in the way of current practices gives ideas as to what comprises an effective RE ministry. In my next newsletter, I will be exploring this issue. Please email me and describe your church’s successful practices.

One of the basic places to start building a more welcoming program is through your registration process. Knowing who you are serving (their strengths, weaknesses, different learning styles and special needs) will obviously help in planning a more responsive ministry.

In my church, the Winchester Unitarian Society in Massachusetts, we ask several questions in a variety of ways in order to try and learn as much as we can about each child’s strengths, weaknesses, and special needs. We do this because many parents do not want to label their child because of the negative problems this labeling has caused in school. The thinking goes, let my child have at least one place s/he goes where s/he is accepted for who they are rather than what a label implies. The problem in this thinking is that it does not always allow the RE Director or teachers to understand the underlying cause for behavior which can help in positively working with a child. For example, a child who is acting out because of a neurological or emotional problem as apposed to a "normal" child who is having a bad day may receive the same response from the teacher at the moment, but any long-term help, support and planning will be different.

First we ask whether or not the child has any health or dietary problems. Then we ask, "Does your child have a particular learning style? For example: learns best listening, learns best reading, learns best when physically active, learns best when discussing an issue, etc.?" Then we ask the question a little different and in a more direct way: "Should we be aware of any learning needs or difficulties your child faces? For example: does your child experience anxiety when asked to read aloud, does you child find it difficult to express his or her thoughts verbally? Does your child have difficulty maintaining his or her focus for any extended period of time, etc.?" Some parents who may be reluctant to talk about their children’s learning disability will feel comfortable talking about how their child learns best. This also helps us gather information about the learning styles for all our children, which helps in our planning.

Some churches have success in being more direct in their approach. For example, Dr. Abby Crowley, DRE at the Paint Brush UU Church in Adelphi, Maryland developed a separate special needs student referral form in order to learn as much as possible about the special needs children in their religious education program. Using the public school model, the information gathered is used to develop a religious individual education plan for each special needs child that then helps guide the RE Committee and the RE teachers. For more information contact her at crowleys@prodigy.com.

Gaia Brown, DRE at the North Shore Unitarian Church in Deerfield, Illinois, shared information about her church’s RE policies concerning children with special needs. It states: "We ask parents of children with special needs--difficulty with reading, a change or crisis in the family, a condition requiring medication, etc. to help us make the religious education experience a positive one for everyone. The first step to be taken is to inform us of any circumstances that might interfere with your child’s successful participation in the classroom. This information will be kept confidential by your child’s teachers, but will also help them understand your child’s needs. While parents can anticipate that our program is more flexible than a public school program, they should also realize our limitations. Often times special needs children function best in a structured environment, one that is difficult to achieve in one hour a week with volunteer teachers. Certainly children who need medication during the week need it just a much on Sundays." For more information please contact Gaia at gaiabrown@aol.com.

The attitude and overall approach to working with children in your ministry obviously impacts how special needs children are served. The following are two examples of churches’ approaches to working with children.

• Rev. Roberta M. Nelson, MRE at the Cedar Lane UU Church in Bethesda, Maryland, wrote me about their mentoring Teacher Team. "They are six of our most skilled teachers/leaders/counselors. Their major responsibilities are: intervention, teacher support, parent support, and child/youth support. At the beginning of the year we identify needs i.e., new teachers and/or new teams, and classes with children with a variety of special needs. Mentoring teachers are assigned according to their skill and/or experience. Their responsibility is to meet with the class leaders as needed, observe and give feedback to the leaders, meet with teachers and /or young people, and/or parents. They continue to follow up with all situations. Depending on the situation, their work is long or short term. The mentoring teachers meet every six to eight weeks to review their work, support each other and share resources. Our mission/ministry is to have all young people in the program, but not to diminish the experience for the leaders and the other class members. We use our classroom covenant and our Unitarian Universalist purposes and principles as guides about how we want to be with one another. It is not always easy work but we would not change our mission. They have a paragraph in our RE brochure. The mentoring teachers are invaluable."

• Rev. Christine Reed, MRE at the Unitarian Church of Princeton, New Jersey wrote in one of her church newsletters about the tension of working with special needs children. "We have had, and have now, many children with special needs, and many who have presented challenges to teachers. While the effectiveness of our RE program develops by virtue of professional expertise, training and relevant literature, one or our most important resources are our parents. Parents who have shared with me the details of their child’s behavior and needs, and their own experience with effective responses to specific behaviors B these parents have given our program a great richness. We now have many resources, including a ‘circle of friends’ program, a buddy system, a guidelines focus for our first day, the ‘safe congregations’ program that is developing policies and practices, teacher training, check-in meetings and a person on the RE Council who regularly observes classes that need special attention. This individual helps with possible solutions and can provide a list of suggestions and resources for teachers working with ADHD children."

• The National Parent Network on Disabilities is an excellent resource for information on disabilities from legislation, to resources, to overall general information. I highly recommend you visit their web site.
• The National Easter Seal Society and its local chapters has long been a wonderful source for research, information, and disability awareness materials on children with disabilities. The local chapters are fairly autonomous and develop their own materials so I recommend you also contact the chapter closest to you. The National headquarters has developed an excellent disability awareness training package for grade-school aged children entitled Friends Who Care.

• Kabat-Zinn, Myla and Jon; Everyday Blessings
• Edelman, Marian Wright; The Measure of Our Success

My Additional Recommendations

• Catalfo, Phil; Raising Spiritual Children in a Material World
• Pipher, Mary Bray; The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families

Music Recommendation Mentioned in the Newsletter