The Gift of Time
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| Children eating at General Assemblies past. |
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By Tracey L. Hurd, Ph.D.
It is Thanksgiving. The family is huddled in the kitchen confirming the timing of dinner. The relatives will be arriving shortly. It isn't surprising that the cooking estimates are a bit off. But when they calculate that the turkey will actually take two hours longer than planned, they are stunned. "Let's microwave it," the young daughter suggests. Of course there is the issue of size. They pause. They don't know what to do. The non-cooking parent mumbles something about efficiency and suggests, "Well, if we chop it up, it will cook faster." There is silence, the start of giggles, and then laughter, as they imagine both the process and, even worse, the product. They close the oven door, resigned. And they wait.
"There is more to life than increasing its speed," said Mahatma Ghandi. But in the whirlwind of the everyday, few of us have time to reflect on his words—we drive too quickly by the UU wayside pulpits on which they are posted. We're not trying to go fast, we're just trying to keep up. Some of us are enmeshed in a life of privilege where children have sports practices and parents take conference calls on cell phones as they drive them there, tossing water bottles and cereal bars into the back of the car as they race out the door. Others of us are less privileged but even more busy—trying work jobs that have little flexibility, long hours, and more expected overtime than ever while trying to make sure our children are cared for, safe, and hopefully not watching too much TV.
Americans are working harder and longer than ever. The Families and Work Institute's  recently released report, "Overwork in America: When the Way we Work becomes too Much"  finds that over one third of all employed adults feel overworked and that:
- 56% of US employees say their jobs demand too many tasks
- 89% say they experience job pressure consistently
- 29% say they spend a lot of time doing things that are a waste of time as part of their jobs
- 33% say that they are contacted via emails, cell phones, or other technology about work outside of work
- 55% of workers who consider themselves overworked work while on vacation, but only 79% of all US employees have access to paid vacation
- 66% of employed parents say they do not have enough time for their children
Care-taking and household responsibilities augment the already expanded pace of American working life. And women, who are still paid seventy-seven cents per every male earned dollar, do more laundry, childcare, aging-parents care etc. than their partners or spouses . Meanwhile, most families require two-breadwinners.
We are busier than ever—and not just adults. Children spend significantly more time doing homework/studying and playing sports than did their counterparts two decades ago. Family meals are less regular. We are simply on the go. We have less time for relationships, marriages and families; less time for our health and our communities; and less time to grow our souls. Rev. Kim Crawford Harvie , senior minister of the Arlington Street Church says, " Introspection, reflection, connection—everything that deeply nourishes us—takes time. A spiritual life takes time. The challenge is to work to live, rather than live to work…"
We are called to take back our time , for ourselves and for our families. Perhaps, ponders John de Graaf, the author of the book Take Back Our Time, we need to claim time as our most central, most precious, family value. And if we want true change, for all of us, then we must work both within our own families and as advocates in a wider public arena. Reclaiming time as a family value requires a cultural shift. So what can we do as families? And what can we do to work towards more pervasive change?
Claiming Time as a Family Value: Working as families
Thinking about how to claim time as a family value, when we're feeling like we are barely keeping up with what we're supposed to do, may feel overwhelming. But the process of thinking is actually the first step. Small, intentional steps, made with faith and hope, can make change.
• Talk about Time: a starting point for families. Some families will be drawn to analysis. If so, you might make two lists. One will list how family members spend their time in a typical weekday. The other will list how family members most enjoy or value spending their time in a typical weekday. Compare lists and discuss how to bring them into closer harmony. Other families may prefer a different starting point. Start by thinking about moments during a weekday that feel particularly good or in sync with family values or what is enjoyable to do. Dwell deeply on those moments and figure out what makes them happen. Use that as the starting point for discerning how to align how we spend time with what we value. Either approach will work. (See Let's Talk About Time/Money Balance for more ideas.)
• Recognize that we can't do it all. We are a part of the very culture that oppresses us with speed, complexity, doing more, multi-tasking and all else that makes family life frenetic. We absorb messages from our culture, media, and peer groups about what our values should be. We need to sort out what makes us happy—both as individuals and as a family. And we need to know that we can't do it all. Making time for family meals may mean forgoing the after-practice pizza with friends on the fly. There is loss and gain in the choices we make. But as families we can decide how to strive for balance. We can have faith and deep belief that families matter. And we can claim time as a family value without eschewing all that makes our fast-paced lives attractive.
• Take a stand. Decide on some changes, and take a stand. What is one change your family can make that will cut down the constant intrusions into family time from the outside world? Here are some ideas:
- Try a limited technology break. Maybe it's limiting time for "instant messaging" on the computer or turning off the phone, the computer, or the TV for one hour each evening. Take a stand on small changes, give them time, and reflect as a family.
- Claim time together, even time traveling in the car, as important. Limit the use of iPods, headphones, and hand-held games that can make time together feel like time apart. Recognize that time together is a gift; try to receive it accordingly. There can be real discoveries in your relationships that unfold when the only media offered is either shared (like shared music) or created together (conversation). At the same time, it's important to recognize that with every change, there is loss. Give children room to express their loss and have faith that there will be new gains.
- Plan unstructured time. The Massachusetts Council of Churches suggests that this isn't as crazy as it seems. There is a major decline in free time for adults and for children. What would an hour without plans look like? Make unstructured time into a break -- a spiritual practice. Reflect on what that time feels like, as individuals and as a family. Encourage children and youth to consider their yearnings for unstructured time as healthy. Work with them to figure out how they can make such free time a part of their lives that is in balance with other demands.
- Eat meals together. Family meals have been correlated with everything from higher test scores to healthy psychological adjustment and decreased risk of early sexual behavior in children and youth. When we want to be together family meals are our most basic and authentic family ritual. Lighting candles or a chalice can make it feel sacred. But it is that time of connection, of sharing of food and moments of rest, that make it matter most. A family meal says, "We belong together." If family life makes daily family meals impossible, start small. Be forgiving: small steps in claiming family time are important. They represent commitment, they reflect values, and they are often a prelude to additional steps that can bring you together.
Cherish our families. The best way to cherish our families is to build strong families. The well known psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers suggests that families who live by the following ten principles grow to be strong:
- "Our family comes first."
Strong families support each other's dreams and develop a ‘family first' attitude.
- "We belong together - and apart."
Strong families understand that part of being a family is supporting each other as individuals as well as supporting each other as family members.
Strong families strive to share decision-making, even if adults take a natural leadership role.
- "We treat each other well."
Strong families express appreciation of and care for each other.
- "We roll with the punches."
Strong families are adaptable, often not ‘sweating the small stuff.'
Strong families listen to each other with their hearts.
- "We cherish family time."
Strong families make some time for family togetherness and fun a priority.
Strong families value extended family, and welcome others as "family" members.
- "We want to improve the world."
Strong families work together for a better community and world.
Strong families develop a sense of trust and spiritual connection.
Claiming Time as a Family Value: Taking back our time through the public arena
If we want to claim time as a family value, we need to work for cultural change. We must look beyond what our individual families yearn for to what is most needed in a hurried world. And we must pay particular attention to creating policies that give all families choices. The Take Back Your Time project advocates a "Time to Care" public policy agenda that includes:
- Guaranteeing paid leave for all parents for the birth or adoption of a child. Today, only 40% of Americans are able to take advantage of the 12 weeks of unpaid leave provided by the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993.
- Guaranteeing at least one week of paid sick leave for all workers. Many Americans work while sick, lowering productivity and endangering other workers.
- Guaranteeing at least three weeks of paid annual vacation leave for all workers. Studies show that 28% of all female employees and 37% of women earning less than $40,000 a year receive no paid vacation at all.
- Placing a limit on the amount of compulsory overtime work that an employer can impose, with our goal being to give employees the right to accept or refuse overtime work.
- Making it easier for Americans to choose part-time work. Hourly wage parity and protection of promotions and pro-rated benefits for part-time workers.
When employees are family-centric (putting a higher priority on family than work) or dual-centric (making work and family equal priorities) they are less likely to feel overworked . These changes also benefit business. A 2005 national study found that employers offer family friendly initiatives in order to (1) retain and recruit employees and (2) enhance productivity. Employee support is a result from, but not rationale for, many employers' use of more family friendly policies.
Resources from the UUA
For more information
Worship Resources
Sermons
Hymn
- "Tis a Gift to Be Simple," from Singing the Living Tradition, Hymn # 16
Tracey L. Hurd  is Children and Families Program Director, UUA Lifespan Faith Development Staff Group.
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