Talk To Kids About What Transgender Means

Dana Williams
Southern Poverty Law Center
Montgomery, Alabama

This essay originally appeared on www.tolerance.org , a news and activism Web site.

You never know who might stop over for dinner or conversation at my grandparents' house. My 80-year-old-grandfather, who still exercises every morning and does his own yard work, lives for lively chats about politics, history and current events. And my grandmother, 75, who knows the names of the hottest hip hop acts and has been known to watch "Sex and the City," rarely bites her tongue or sugarcoats the truth. Young and old, neighbors, relatives and family friends visit often for good company and good food – especially during the holidays. Among the stream of visitors this Thanksgiving was Noelle, a longtime friend of the family who happens to be transgender.

When Noelle decided to undergo male-to-female gender reassignment surgery a couple of years ago, my grandmother was one of the first people she told. She knew my grandmother would look her in the eyes and say, "Baby, you have to do whatever makes you happy because no one has to live your life but you."

In many ways, my grandmother's words describe the philosophy of my family. Open minds, open hearts and acceptance are some of our most important family values.

So when Noelle knocked on the door, she was welcomed as warmly as any other friend. There were no stares or awkward questions – except from my 8-year-old son. Somehow he sensed there was something different about the woman who'd just entered the room. I watched his eyes, searching her from head to toe. I knew his questions were coming, but I wasn't sure I knew how to answer them.

I held my breath, hoping my grandfather wouldn't slip as he sometimes does and call Noelle by her male birth name. I crossed my fingers, hoping no one would discuss old memories of Noelle when she lived as a man.
Even though I've talked to my son about everything from racism to stereotypes to same-sex marriage, I simply wasn't prepared to explain this in an age-appropriate way. And I certainly didn't want to have that conversation in a room full of other people.

They don't know any better

"Who was that?" my son asked after Noelle left the house. I repeated her name to him.

"I know," he told me. "But who was that?" he asked again, searching for a different answer.

"She's an old friend of the family," I told him. "She grew up just down the street."

His eyes were still questioning, but I changed the subject, attempting to head off any additional comments. That tactic worked for the moment, but little did I know the next time we visited my grandparents, he would again ask about Noelle.

I found out when he matter-of-factly said to me during the drive home, "Gammy said Noelle used to be a man."

"When did she tell you that?" I asked.

"Just a minute ago, when I asked about her," he replied.

I must have been in another room, as I had no knowledge of this conversation. "What do you think about that?" I asked.

"Well, I think people probably make fun of her sometimes if they find out about it," he said. "But Gammy said that is because they don't know any better, and they don't know that she was sad when she used to be a man but now she is happy."

At that moment, I felt ashamed. I realized that in skirting the topic and avoiding his questions before, I was implicitly sending the message that there was something bad or wrong with being transgender. That it's something taboo or something not to be discussed. And as such, I was gambling on my son becoming one of those people who "don't know any better."

Helping kids 'get it'
That's a gamble many parents take, says Debra Davis , executive director of the Minnesota-based Gender Education Center and retired high school media specialist.

"The only prejudice kids have is what we give them," Davis says. "A lot of times, we think certain topics are too delicate or difficult to talk about to our kids, but we don't give them enough credit. A lot of times, kids really do get it."

Davis, who is transgender, gives various talks and seminars on gender identity and transgender issues. For parents, she offers these tips to talk to kids:

Be honest. Kids are hugely open and hugely resilient, Davis said. It may be a parent's instinct to avoid discussing difficult topics like gender identity, but giving kids the information they ask for in a gentle, age-appropriate way is necessary to discourage prejudice and misinformation.

Give age appropriate information. When it comes to explaining sensitive topics, Davis believes there is no need for parents to take discussions beyond a child's knowledge. For younger children, simply explaining that a person was "born with the wrong body parts" or "born with body parts that don't match their feelings on the inside" can be enough. For older kids, Davis said parents can go into the biology of it, using more details.

Set a good example. Kids learn about diversity from experiencing it. Parents should expose themselves and their children to people who are different from them. If parents behave as though people who are differently gendered are abnormal or unusual, kids also will believe that and react as such.

More than anything, parents must remember that you cannot teach children to have open minds if you close the door on discussion. That's a lesson we all need to be reminded of sometimes.

Thanks, Grandma.

This article is part of a series of monthly columns for parents found at the Teaching Tolerance web site. ( See www.tolerance.org/parents/talktokids.jsp ) Dana Williams’ monthly column for parents called, “Talking about…” addresses issues relevant to raising Unitarian Universalist children today. Although secular, Williams consistently writes with values consonant with UU Principles. In her article, “To Scout or Not to Scout?” she wrestles with wanting her son to enjoy the benefits of scouting but not wanting to support (or have her son involved with) any organization that discriminates against gay/lesbian families. Williams ponders how her own political biases have been interpreted by her son in “Democracy and Civil Discourse,” and she provides some new avenues for keeping the message of democracy central when talking politics with kids.

As a parent and Unitarian Universalist I have found many of her articles, including those on gender bashing, stereotypes at halloween, size acceptance, the Iraq war, name calling, and “The N-word” to be helpful. Each month, there’s a new column that may be reprinted with permission. Williams’ reassuring, parent-to-parent tone and deep anti-bias conviction may offer just the right combination for parents in our congregations.