You Can’t Say, You Can’t Play

By Vivian Gussin Paley
Harvard University Press, 1992

Review by Tracey L. Hurd, Ph.D.
Lifespan Faith Development, UUA
Boston, MA

“You’re not invited to my birthday party!” These are words that can fill a five-year-old child with complete sadness. Most of us hold clear memories of such childhood rejections. We may remember when other friends helped us, and we may remember, too, when we excluded others. In this timeless book, preschool teacher and MacArthur Foundation fellow, Vivian Paley, chronicles her decision to end such nonsense—such cruelties—in her own kindergarten classroom. She decides to implement the rule, “You can’t say that you can’t play.” The book traces how powerful the rule becomes as a guide and as a point of discussion. It shows us what happens when we explicitly sanction the value of inclusion.

One of the many strengths of this book are the transcripts of conversations with children. Before implementing the rule, Paley talks with children who are in older grades. Their reflections are windows into children’s thinking. Here’s an excerpt of her conversation with fourth-grade children (p. 53):

“The rule won’t work,” a girl states. “If people don’t like them and don’t let them play, and if there’s a rule, they’ll tell the teacher and if the teacher makes them do it they just won’t be nice to that person.”

This reasoning will be restated often, especially in fourth and fifth grade. Forcing the issues of fairness or niceness is seen as counterproductive. But why, I wonder. A no-hitting rule doesn’t produce more hitting. The children themselves enforce the rule. Even popular children can’t get away with hitting.

“Okay,” says a new speaker, “in a way it could work and in a way it wouldn’t.” She gropes for words for a moment then expresses her idea quickly. “Some people—even me—want to own things. They say you can’t come here and you can’t come there. They say they are the boss, and other people agree. Even me. If that stopped, then your plan could work.”

Throughout the book, Paley lets us listen in as she uncovers how children construct and manage the social world of power, inclusion, and exclusion. One fourth-grade girl tells Paley, “We’re meaner than in kindergarten.” As they talk about the rule, children explain their shared social underworld. The simplicity of Paley’s method—to simply ask children about specific social interactions—is instructive to all of us working with children. The implication of Paley’s claim—that we must all welcome each other—is startling. Paley writes (p. 114), “Our new rule is different. It gives us a useful perspective from which to view our actions. Why not simply say, ‘Don’t be mean’? People do, of course, tell each other this all the time. The new rule, however, examines a specific yet broad example of meanness and uses the imagery of play to do so. Since play is the subject children care the most about, its precise words and actions—especially the negative ones—are easily available and carry the greatest meaning.”

Anyone working with young and elementary school age children will enjoy this book and find it useful. It is instructive to those working directly with young children; Paley literally gives a path to follow. She shows us how to engage children actively in creating a social environment that supports all people. For those working with older children, this book helps to disentangle the roots of behaviors that are labeled teasing, taunting, and bullying. Where does the impulse to have “power over” take root? Paley shows us where and how.

Our faith communities provide many opportunities to deeply influence the culture of children. As we create classroom or program covenants, we can claim the Golden Rule and profound hospitality as shared values. Working with young children we might forgo the traditional listing values/behaviors, and instead try Paley’s approach of saying, “You can’t say that you can’t play.” Stating our covenants in axioms that children can truly understand allows them to wrestle with those ideals. In turn, they will come to truly know them. And in the process they will learn more about faith. When asked by a fifth grader, “Where exactly does the rule come from?” Paley replies simply that she has adapted it from the Bible.

The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the homeborn among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.
—Leviticus 19:34

You Can’t Say That You Can’t Play, is widely available in bookstores, in hardcover, or paperback. Used copies are available by some on-line sources for as little as $5.50. It is published by Harvard University Press. ISBN 0674965906.