Curriculum and Learning Resources

If I'd Only Known . . . Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention
By Dorothy Neddermeyer, American Book Publishing, NY: 2000
Reviewed by Rev. Pat Hoertdoerfer
Children, Family and Intergenerational Programs Director
Lifespan Faith Development, UUA, Boston, MA

In a consistently compassionate manner, this book identifies what child sexual abuse is, what to do about it, and how children can learn to protect themselves. This practical manual, based on the author's 20 years of psychotherapy practice and parenting experience, provides readers with invaluable information on sexual abuse, its aftereffects and how to protect yourself and your family.

If I'd Only Known is eminently practical and filled with common sense checks and reminders. The author gives an overview in the first half of the book including chapters on common myths about child sexual abuse and incest, history and facts regarding child sexual abuse and incest, identifying who is the perpetrator, defining the possibilities of recovery, and focusing on prevention. She explores why self-protection is necessary and what to do in cases of spanking and boundaries and includes techniques for teaching good/appropriate touches and bad/inappropriate touches, good body image, and the "tell mommy and daddy everything - no secrets rule."

The second half of the book is devoted to chapters on what-to-do concerns and checklists:

• Five key techniques to abuse-proof a child,
• Signs of sexual abuse of children,
• Step-by-step instructions on what to do if you suspect or a child states or alludes to sexual abuse,
• How to choose the right pediatrician,
• How to choose the right child care facility,
• How to abuse-proof a child with authority figures - coaches, teachers, clergy, child care workers, family members, or anyone who has contact with a child,
• Survival skills for independence.

The sexual abuse of children can happen with almost any youngster by almost any adult but some children are especially vulnerable to being abused and some adults are particularly driven to violating them. Predatory adults threaten families and communities as safe havens and alert us to the need to be informed, vigilant, and clear about protecting children from harm. We know that child sexual abuse is the greatest hidden epidemic in this country. According to current U.S. statistics, as high as 62 percent of females and 31 percent of males will be sexually violated before age 18. This timely guidebook is an important step in the direction of alerting parents and religious leaders to the common dangers that threaten the well being of children in the home and community. This book is highly recommended for ministers and religious educators in the parish and in the community.