Julia and Bernice

Bernise Lynch and Julia Schelly are coming up on a milestone: they've been together as a couple for 24 years, and have been members of the UU Fellowship of Raleigh in North Carolina, for fourteen. Their service of union was performed by the Rev. Julie Denny-Huges, and their congregation has been a source of great support to them.

But support comes from many institutions, and Bernise and Julia know that the need for legal recognition of their relationship is getting more important: "As we get older it's the financial uncertainty and realization that neither of us will receive social security survivor benefits; it's the concern whenever either of us has a medical situation, we have to take our paperwork with us—health care power of attorney, financial power of attorney, living will (which may or may not be honored)." Bernise says about the proposed amendment of the US Constitution, "to be targeted and told, in essence, you are less than human... I am not a scary being, neither is my partner... what are the people behind this movement of hate so scared of?"

You can add your voice to those speaking out to stop discrimination from being written into the Constitution. In response to debate on the proposed "Marriage Protection Amendment" set for Congressional vote this spring, the Unitarian Universalist Association has launched "Standing on the Side of Love 2006: No Discrimination in the Constitution," a campaign focused on mobilizing Unitarian Universalists to speak out against this hurtful and discriminatory amendment.

NOW is the time to act. Go to the UUA Washington Office for Advocacy's website for comprehensive information on how to contact your elected representatives. Meet with members of your congregation to organize a "Standing on the Side of Love Sunday" service along with letter writing to follow the service. The proposed federal amendment is about ALL our lives, for what affects one group of people affects us all.

Visit the UUA's "Standing on the Side of Love 2006: Defeat the Federal Marriage Amendment" resource page for comprehensive resources to support your work as an advocate who stands on the side of love.

Judith and Beverly

In Poland, Indiana, Judith and Beverly have lived together for twenty-nine years. Although they are fortunate in that the company from which Judith retired offers domestic partner benefits, she recognizes that "we haven't experienced significant problems since we've spent lots of money on legal documents to protect each other." Yet she also notes, "Financially, my partner would get more social security if she could draw on my benefits."

Judith writes, "The proposed amendment seems to be government sponsored gay bashing. This has inspired me to step up and tell our story at every opportunity. My partner is concerned about our safety as we live in a rural area in southern Indiana. It has also made us determined to marry for our 30th anniversary, [even] if we have to go to Canada." She also deeply appreciates the support of their Unitarian Universalist congregation in the struggle for equal marriage: "Our congregation helped to inspire me to action. They are officially a Welcoming Congregation and the presence of an out lesbian minister convinced my partner that this was the place for us. The sister of a gay man suggested the Civil Marriage Is A Civil Right Task Force to work to defeat a marriage discrimination amendment in Indiana. There are as many family members and friends of the GLBT community on the task force as there are GLBT persons. The task force is supported by the entire congregation."

Nancy and Susan

Nancy and Susan, Massachusetts residents residing in Framingham, have been together for eleven years. In 2004, they were married at their UU congregation, First Parish in Framingham, by the Rev. Stephanie Nichols. Nancy, a physician, writes that their marriage "has been instrumental in allowing Nancy access to hospital visits and participation in treatment/care discussions with healthcare personnel related to Susan's current diagnosis, surgery and chemotherapy for colon cancer. As we grow old together and personally experience life-threatening illness, the fear of having our recently acquired rights related to inclusion in healthcare decisions and discussions rescinded becomes more and more acute."

Jodi and Karen

JB and Julie

Karen and Jodi, residents of Pennsylvania, have faced health challenges in their eleven years together as a couple. As members of the BuxMont UU congregation and parents of two teenagers, they fear the intervention of the government in limiting their constitutional rights. Karen says, "It's difficult to know that my own government is working hard to write discrimination into the Constitution. I have written and spoken to many representatives. Unfortunately, my Senator is the one who is pushing it forward the most. It is difficult to live life as a second class citizen who is denied the same rights as everyone else simply because of other people's ignorance."

Karen notes that their employers have been helpful in providing some health insurance, but that, in facing recent medical challenges, "We had to make sure out papers were in order and that I had medical authorizations signed and notarized so that the doctors would speak to me."

Dee Graham, daughter, and Signa Quandt

The family

The Rev. Dee Graham, a Unitarian Universalist minister, has been with her partner, Signa Quandt, for twenty-nine years. Residents of Saint Petersburg, FL, they are parents to three children and one grandchild. They were united with domestic partnership privileges in Berkeley, CA in 1991 (on the first day they became available to non-residents, says Graham). "The year before we couldn't get housing on campus or partner health insurance at GTU (Graduate Theological Union) because we weren't married. Since then, we have had no benefits from the civil union except that we have it."

Graham notes that "Health issues have been the greatest burden, since my partner has a chronic illness that will ultimately be fatal. All hospital issues have affected us, at one point putting the 18-year-old daughter who was 'legally' hers in the position of making a life/death decision about not using a ventilator because, even though I was there and all paperwork was in place, the ER doctor turned to our child to make the decision.

"We have faced these issues for 29 years, but it is our children as young adults who have the strongest story to tell. One daughter (in middle school) testified to the county school board about harrassment she received. Now, even though all three children are grown, they would like us to do a second-parent adoption so they will be legal brother and sisters, but in Florida the marriage fight is teamed with keeping gays from adoption—even afer they are adults. Now, our grandson brings further complications into the issue, even though his dad and family are also UUs."

Graham and Quandt are working at every level to end discrimination in their state: "We are one of the ACLU couples in their current lawsuit against Florida's attempts to get anti-gay marriage legislation on the ballot. During the last election my daugthers and I worked with the UU Service Committee to get out the vote. One daughter testified before the school board and a non-discrimation measure was passed (she was in middle school then). As a community minister, I have worked on these issues publically and in community ministry."

Jaime and Sam live in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, one of the states considered a 'battleground' for 2006 state elections where legislation that would restrict the protections of same sex couples is on the ballot. Jaime and Sam have been together for more than six years, and attend the First Unitarian Church of Cleveland . Parents of a ten year old daughter, they say, "We live in a state which does not grant marriage or civil unions and boasts of being the most restrictive state in terms of denial of rights for LGBT citizens. We do live in a progressive city—a suburb of Cleveland—that passed a Domestic Partner Registry in 2004. However, this registry confers no rights or privileges. We do not have shared health and medical benefits, and in fact, one of us is without benefits. Aside from Medical Powers of Attorney; and naming each other as beneficiaries of life insurance policies, we have no rights to the life we have built together if/when one of us dies. Our child is not protected either.

"The cost of our life together is extraordinary; we pay more taxes because we can't file jointly and we pay more for health insurance because we can't have a joint policy. The fear of not having legal rights and privileges touches every aspect of our lives, from home ownership, to child care, taxes, medical decisions, and having our relationship legitimized. There isn't a day that this discrimination doesn't effect us in some way. Living without protection is scary. Living in a state that promotes discrimination and hatred against our relationship and our family is frightening. Teaching our daughter tolerance in an intolerant state is a challenge. Trying not pass along our fears and frustrations are a daily struggle. So much emotion goes into daily life just to survive and maintain a quality of life."

Jaime continues, "I have never known what life as a legitimized couple and family feels like. Heterosexuals take so much of this for granted. The government expects and demands that we pay taxes and abide by the laws, without the same rights and protections as heterosexuals. How right and fair is this? In spite of this, we try every day to surround ourselves with love and affirmation. We feel this in our church and within our congregation and we feel it it in our neighborhood and with our families of origin. Sometimes, however, this isn't enough."

Charles and Jeff

Jeffrey and Charles live in Lafayette, Indiana. A couple for four years, they are members of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Lafayette  and previously were members of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Stillwater, Oklahoma. Joined as partners by the Rev. Felicia Urbanski, they do not have a legal marriage or civil union.

Jeffrey says, "I work for Purdue University, which provided Domestic Partner Benefits for my spouse. However, unlike benefits provided for heterosexual, legally married couples, the University's portion of the health insurance benefits are added to my W2 as earned income, even though I did not receive any of that money. In effect, I am taxed twice on the benefit, since my contribution for the benefits is also taxed. As a result, I ended up owing almost $1000 more in taxes that a heterosexual married couple would not have had to pay."

Jeffrey continues, "The proposed Federal Marriage Amendment and the proposed 'gay marriage ban' in Indiana are stark reminders of the lack of recognition afforded to our relationship. While our UU congregation is affirming and accepting, the world outside of our church's doors is not. In effect, our love for one another is not only minimized, but denied at both the state and federal level."

Frank, Gary, and Abigail

Frank Benedetti & Gary Trowbridge have a long term relationship that most people would be envious of. They have been life partners since July 4, 1964—more than forty years. Both men have military backgrounds; Frank has been a UU since 1959 (first at All Souls Church in New York City), and Gary became a UU in 1993. Both men are now retired—Gary from the State of Georgia and Frank from Wachovia. They reside in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, with their Yorkie, Abigail.

Gary is retired from the State of Georgia and Frank is retired from Wachovia. They continue to share their home in Winston-Salem with the one female in their home, Abigail, their four pound Yorkie.

Both are avid defenders of all Civil Rights, but especially those of GLBT people. They have been featured in four videos and were recently asked to give testimony to a Senate subcommittee in Washington, D.C. on their views on the proposed federal marriage amendment. They also serve as contact people for the local media on GLBT issues. They are members of the UU Fellowship of Winston-Salem , have received the UUA Thomas Jefferson District President's Award for Social Justice (2003-2004), and in the last two years have appeared on a billboard in Winston-Salem with their picture and the caption: "We are your neighbors and we are gay."

They said, "Two of the hardest things about us not being legally married is hospital visitation and medical decision making. While we feel we have overcome these things through legal paperwork, the idea that in states like Virginia and South Carolina, we are at the mercy of an understanding doctor to even accept these documents as legal, is indeed scary. We are also concerned about our small estate after the death of one of us. Possessions and money we have accumulated over forty-two years can be gobbled up by distant family members who we hardly know even though we have a will. We look at legal marriage as legal protection although it will not change the way we feel about one another."

Maureen has been with Angel for more than ten years. Currently residents of Hermitage, Tennessee, they are members of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Nashville and are parents to three grown children.

Challenged by Angel's illness, Maureen writes, "We are not known in our congregation because Angel cannot tolerate sitting that long. We were sent here for her medical care at Vanderbilt, which has taken us out of our support network in Florida. Angel's family has seen us four times in four years even though we are five minutes away. Maybe if we were legally married they would tolerate things better. Our support currently is our landlord, who has been wonderful; my 81 year-old mother (still in Florida) and our neighbors, who like us and want us to be part of the community. At the moment, we have no health insurance and the only income we have is from a workers comp settlement. I'm desperately trying to find work where domestic partners are given benefits so that Angel's medical needs will eventually be covered."

Maureen notes that they have considered moving to Canada.

Keith and Collin

Keith Kron and Collin Koo live in two different countries. Together as a couple for two years, Collin lives in Vancouver, British Columbia and Keith recently moved from Boston to Blaine, Washington to be closer to Collin.

Keith says, "Collin moved to Canada from Malaysia where he grew up and was born. He first moved to California but realized he probably would not be permitted to emigrate to the US as Canada was much more open toward gays and lesbians. We met at a tennis tournament and dated long distance for two years while we tried to figure out how to be together. I work in the United States, and living in Canada would be problematic. Collin isn't sure he would be permitted to move to the US. Fortunately, my work allowed me to relocate to Washington. But our choices are difficult: either we continue a cross-country relationship, or I move to Canada and look for work there. Since we can get legally married in Canada, I could become a citizen. But I love my work here and couldn't find a similar job. Collin could find a similar job in the US, though not surprisingly, he finds Canada more welcoming. That might be different if we could get married in the US. So we live in two countries, spending as much time as we can together."