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Freedom to Marry Week Honors Loving UU Same Sex CouplesFebruary 2005
Paul David Wadler and Rick Brown PD Wadler writes of his wedding to Rick Brown, “When we bought a weekend in Vermont at our church auction a couple of years ago, we decided to take advantage of Vermont's Civil Union laws and make our then 11-year relationship official. We thought of it as paperwork, and were shocked at how different we both felt to have our relationship recognized. When Canada made same-sex marriage legal, we headed north to Toronto and had a beautiful private ceremony at the First Unitarian Church there, followed by a big religious ceremony at our home church in Chicago. Since we got married three times, it seemed only right to have three ministers: our minister at Second Unitarian Church, Jennifer O'Quill, Rick's supervisor Rev. Nina Gray (he's administrator at First Church in Chicago) and PD's long-time friend and mentor Rev. Victor Carpenter.” PD goes on to relate that the wedding was “a community affair. Several church friends worked in the kitchen preparing a meal for our 150 guests, while others helped set up tables. It was a chance for our families to experience not only our faith, but our faith community, the friends who hold us in their hearts and are so much a part of our lives.” Because PD’s Jewish family was able to see the couple married under a chuppa -- the traditional Jewish wedding canopy—by a Jewish–UU minister (the Rev. Nina Gray) they learned in ways the couple could never explain that PD had not abandoned his Jewish heritage in becoming a Unitarian Universalist.
Celia d’Oliveira and Meg Soens Meg Soens and Celia d’Oliveira were among the Massachusetts same sex couples who applied for their marriage license on May 17, 2004. They were married in a small family ceremony in May, and had a larger wedding celebration in a UU church for their family and friends in October. Meg Soens writes, “It has been amazingly, surprisingly affirming to get married. After 17 years together and four children, Celia and I saw joy and pride in our relationship reflected in our families’ faces when we took our vows. All together, and publicly, they told us through their presence and their words, ‘we love you, both of you, and honor your commitment to each other.’” Soens continues, “Until we got married it seemed like we were on weak ground, that at any time a tremor could turn the modest fissures between where my family stood and where our straight friends and neighbors stood, into an unbridgeable chasm. Now, no matter what happens, whatever else the federal government does to try to shame us or deny our basic unity as a family, we feel inextricably connected to the world of our friends. In my deep heart’s core I know we stand on the same ground.”
Jory Agate and Jeb Mays “People keep asking if it feels different being married,” writes Jory Agate. “No, it really feels the same as before Jeb and I got married. We still have to get the kids on the school bus at 7 in the morning. We still have laundry to do, bills to pay, and the recycling to take out. We still have to supervise homework, pick up the kids from their after school programs, and cheer them on at softball games.” But in fact, there are differences. Important ones. Agate reflects, “I am covered under Jeb’s health plan and her benefits are much better than my plan was able to offer. Now I don’t have to puzzle when filling out forms and they ask me my marital status. Now I can refer to Jeb as my wife without sounding like I am making a joke.” Agate and Mays say that the real difference was in the experience and affirmation their marriage ceremony, held at First Parish in Cambridge last October, brought them. Gathered with over 300 friends and family members, they were pronounced legally married after being a couple together for more than thirteen years. They added, “Having our children so integrally involved in the ceremony was another blessing. Not often does a couple get to share such wonderful gifts with their children as they commit to be there for each other throughout the years.”
Linda Wright and Robin Gray On September 6, 2004, Linda Wright and Robin Gray were legally married at the First Unitarian Universalist Church in Milford, MA. The Rev. Dacia Reid officiated and family members participated by offering their blessings. Linda and Robin write, “We reaffirmed the vows, which we made to one another in a Service of Holy Union conducted by the Rev. John Gibbons at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Mendon and Uxbridge on January 1, 1989. On that day, we also celebrated the thirty years of life we have shared together. We have cared for one another through times of joy and sorrow, abundance and want, comfort and affliction. Our love and complete commitment to all that our relationship has been and can be is an unchanging constant in our lives.”
Lee Ridgway and Donald Vaughan When Lee Ridgway and Donald Vaughan had their service of union in 1985, their minister (The Rev. Helen Cohen) felt obligated to emphasize that our commitment was recognized by their congregation, but not by their state. When the Rev. Cohen officiated at Ridgway and Vaughan’s wedding this past September, she emphasized that she now was marrying them under the laws of Massachusetts. They observe, “Being able to claim the protections of a state's laws over our relationship was one reason we decided to get married, but it probably was not the main one. “We both had changed a lot since our service of union; nearly two decades can make a big difference in careers, interests, friendships and family. We wanted to renew our vows, in this evolved setting, especially now that family members on both sides accepted and supported us as a couple in a way they did not in 1985. Since our wedding, we have noticed some subtle changes in how others treat us, and how we treat one another. Our families seem more at ease viewing us as just another couple. Our neighbors seem to feel that, too. “There is a sense that now we are both spiritually and legally in it together. We now have a heightened sense that we are responsible for each other. We had always felt that, but the extra recognition of our relationship that marriage brings from our families, friends and communities does make things different in this regard. There is also a feeling that being married has allowed our relationship to reach a new level in its growth. This is something we had not foreseen, although it makes some sense. Being brought up in a culture which teaches you that the thing people who love one another do is get married, a couple which is together for a long period and does not get married (even in our case where we could not) somehow seems not as legitimate as one that does.” Lee and Donald concluded, “Now that we're just like all the other middle aged married folks in our neighborhood, we can look back and appreciate how prejudicial to our relationship the ban on our getting married was. Try as we might to rationalize that our relationship was and is not influenced by the mores of the society around us, having the right to get married and exercising it as we did has shown us what a difference a change in law can have on us. We now feel equal to our straight married friends in a way we had not thought possible or, perhaps, even necessary, before.”
Casey and Julie Blake After eight years in a committed relationship, Casey and Julie Blake decided to have children. They said, “You can't imagine our excitement and perhaps, fear, when we found out that we were expecting twins! Both approaching our 40's, we had pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that we would not be having children…not because we didn't want them, but because we had not found the right somebody to share our lives and this incredible experience and responsibility with.” Three years later, now happily a family with their twins Cambria and Jaden they write, “we celebrate this Valentine's Day within the joy of our own relationship, but perhaps most importantly, with the family that our love has created. “What does marriage mean to us? It simply means a civil recognition of the commitment we have already undertaken and a protection for our children that a domestic partnership does not bring.” Those protections include, say the Blakes, social security and retirement benefits for their family if one of them were to die or become disabled. “We are a family,” they said. “In America, we get to make these choices. Who is to say our family doesn't deserve the same protections as any other?”
Rinda Bartley, Laila Ibrahim, Kalin and Maya Ibrahim-Bartley Rinda and Laila were introduced to one another at the First Unitarian Church of Oakland more than 20 years ago. Rinda is a high school principal and Laila is the owner and director of a preschool. They say, “After our friendship grew into love we had a beautiful service of commitment at the church in 1991. A few years later, in 1993, the first of our fabulous daughters, Kalin, was born followed by second fabulous daughter, Maya, in 1995. The most difficult part about not being legally married is explaining it to our daughters. In our community, our family is seen as fully legitimate. It is painful to realize that some people want to demonize our family or see it as less that whole. Like all families, we have our hard times, but there is a lot of love in our home. It is hard to believe that anyone could to get to know us and say that our family isn't a good one for children. ”While we appreciate the extended rights we get under the new Domestic Partner law, it is not equal to being in a federally recognized marriage. As a same-gender couple, we don't have the same rights and responsibilities as our straight friends. We have been granted a separate and unequal status. We are second-class citizens. This is wrong. This is un-American. This is not an example of our nation living up to its highest ideals. We hope this is an injustice that will soon end.”
Betty Hesters and Barbara Clutter Betty, a retired public health nurse, and Barbara, an Ob-Gyn physician, have
been in a committed relationship for 25 years. Their daughter, now on her way
to medical school, was Barbara’s child and was adopted when she was 10
by Betty—the first adoption of its kind in the California county in which
they reside. Their family also includes three children from Betty’s marriage.
Betty and Barbara said, “When it became an option we registered as domestic
partners. Our concern now is the inequality in California property and inheritance
laws. Wills and trusts are not an adequate substitute for the inheritance laws
that straight couples take for granted. Equal taxes should mean equal treatment
under the law.” Feb. 12th marks the beginning of Freedom
to Marry Week
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