MEMORIAL
SERVICES
For Leslie Whittington, Charles, Zoe and Dana Falkenberg
(This text is a synthesis of two services done for this family. The first was held on Sept. 17 near Georgetown University in Wash., DC by the Rev. Barbara Wells; the second on Sept. 23 at the UU Church of Silver Spring, MD, co-officiated by the Revs. Barbara Wells, Jaco ten Hove, and Elizabeth Lerner, with a reception at nearby Paint Branch UU Church. Unless noted, all text is by Barbara Wells).
CALL TO GATHER - the Rev. Elizabeth Lerner
We are gathered together here by one family.
Charles, Leslie, Zoe, Dana,
draw us here
to be with each other
to honor them
to celebrate their lives
to mourn their deaths.We are here because we love them
They were our family
They were our friends
We have come to share memories and grief
Just as we honor them today
We will honor them always.Their gifts of love and insight,
Creativity and engagement
Were given to us in life,
They are ours now.
We will carry them forward
And in our turn we will give them away .
These gifts do not die.
They are a legacy.OPENING WORDS
It has been nearly a week since our lives were shattered by the terrorist attacks on our nation. Over the last six days, we have stared numbly at images too horrible to contemplate. We have watched as our sense of security as a nation crumbled as dramatically as the twin towers did in New York. Here in Washington we have struggled to come to terms with the sight of that supposedly impregnable fortress, the Pentagon, being hit by a passenger plane and causing the deaths of scores of people, right before our eyes.And then, for those of us sitting in this sacred place this morning, our fear and rage turned to profound grief when we learned that on the plane which struck the Pentagon were our friends and neighbors, Charles Falkenberg, Leslie Whittington and their daughters, Zoe and Dana. All our senses cry out, "No! It can't be! Not an entire family! Not Charles and Leslie and their two little girls!" It is almost more than we can bear.
Today, we who are gathered here to face the grim truth that this wonderful family, along with thousands of other Americans, lie dead in the rubble of the World Trade Centers, the Pentagon, and in a field in Pennsylvania. Our hearts are filled with extraordinary pain. But let us not let that pain, that anger, that despair overtake us entirely. Our friends and family who lie dead would never want us to give up on life because theirs were taken. Their deaths have shaken us to our cores, yes. But it is their lives that must bring us strength and hope. And it is their lives which we honor today, for even in the midst of all of this, we are doing what humans have done since the beginning of time: gathering together in religious community to mourn the deaths and celebrate the lives of those we love.
Our gathering today cannot help but recognize the context in which these deaths take place. The events of the last week are so huge they will color everything we do. Yet, I invite us to remember what brings us here: our connection to Charlie and Leslie and Zoe and Dana. Their deaths have put a face on our national grief.
It is never easy to speak of death. Death is a great mystery we can know but never fully understand. Every person who is born will die, but when it comes to someone we love we are reminded of the harsh realities of mortal life. When death comes to an aged person, it can be a release from a long life well lived. But when it comes as it did to Leslie, Charlie, Zoe and Dana, in the prime of life, and in such a horrible way, death seems particularly cruel.
But this is the human story. It is perhaps the hardest part of our story, but it need not fill us with despair. For even as we mourn those who have died, we may also celebrate and rejoice that they lived. Life is the greatest gift of all, and we cannot ask for it, it must be given us.
It is also tempting, in the midst of our rage and pain, to lash out at God. To cry "My God, my God, why has thou forsaken us!" To feel the horrible absence of anything holy, of anything true and right. Some may even say to us, "This is God's will, even if we don't understand it." Let me say to you here and now, that this is not God's will. I believe from the bottom of my heart that whoever God is, God is not a petty tyrant who takes lives for sport or vengeance. No!! I believe that God is grieving with us. I believe that the spirit of all that is holy is found not in these acts of violence but in the love we feel here today.
Today's service reflects the people whose lives and deaths brought us together. In this room are people of many faiths and backgrounds. It says a lot about Leslie and Charles that they would bring people together in this way. It is that kind of spirit that is at the heart of the Unitarian Universalist faith that many of us here share. While Leslie and Charles were not active in this or any other Unitarian Universalist congregation, Leslie was raised Unitarian Universalist and Leslie's mother and stepfather, Ruth and George Koch, are UU, as are many of Leslie and Charlie's friends.
I was asked to lead this service today because I got to know George, Ruth, and Zoe at a UU family camp, the UU Mid-Atlantic Community, known as UUMAC, held last summer in Pennsylvania. Today's service will reflect our Unitarian Universalist faith tradition, even as we recognize the many religious beliefs of the people who are a part of our service this afternoon.
Dear ones, this service is for all of us to grieve and to remember in both joy and loss the lives of these beloved people. Let your hearts be open to your grief and to your love as we worship together.
A TIME OF REMEMBERING:
All during this past week, I have had the privilege of learning about Leslie Whittington, Charles Falkenberg and Zoe and Dana, from their many friends and family. I have sat with family members, friends and colleagues and heard story after story of Leslie, the irreverent economist with the razor sharp wit and the heart full of love; of Charles, the conscience of his company who was also a bike-riding, mountain-climbing, love-to-be-at-home-with-his-girls kind of dad; of Zoe, the swimming, dancing, joyful spirit who entertained everyone she met; and of Dana, the "toddler robusto" who filled the room with her smile. Though I only knew Zoe from our shared experiences at UUMAC, the Unitarian Universalist Mid-Atlantic Community, a family camp held in Pennsylvania during the summer, I feel like I have come to know the entire family through your stories and your pictures and your memories.Leslie was good at what she did and was proud of it. As a woman in a man's field, she demanded respect-not only for her work, which was excellent and prodigious, but also for her priorities. She put her marriage and her kids first, where they belonged. Don't get me wrong, she clearly loved her work. But Zoe and Dana filled her heart with their shining spirits, and her love for Charles, I am told, was powerful and unwavering. They were a real team, all of them, in life as in death.
Charlie, too, loved his family with all his might. He also was a fabulous co-worker, one who was, as his friends told me, the "conscience" of his company, Ecologic. He was dedicated to the idea that business could be socially responsible, and he brought his love of the outdoors from his Denver childhood to the swamplands of DC. His background was more varied than Leslie's, ranging from being a garlic farmer to a carpenter to a computer programer. When he and Leslie married in 1984, he found his soul mate, a woman who I am told was his foundation. Her steady work in academia allowed him to explore his options, but he was ultimately happy to land at Ecologic.
Their girls were precious gifts that came to them somewhat late in their marriage. Zoe was a ballerina with a laugh always on her lips. I got to know her at a Unitarian Universalist family camp where she entranced everyone, including a younger girl who would run around the camp all day crying joyfully for Zoe! I know she loved her friends and they her. Dana, still so very young, was enamoured of candy and had a funny way of talking that her "mamo" used to imitate. Leslie called it "Danaspeak" and her colleagues love to tell of this serious economist talking in baby talk!
It is never possible in a service such as this to truly capture the spirit of a person, much less the personalities of a whole family. But we will do our best. A number of people will speak to us of this family from their perspectives and tell you stories both poignant and funny. May their memories spark yours.
(At this point, family and friends shared stories.)
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories of this remarkable family with us. It is clear that perhaps the most important thing about them was their deep love and respect-for each other, for their families, for their friends, co-workers, students and clients. Let us celebrate that love by singing together "The Gift of Love" the words of which are printed in your order of service.
PRAYER
Let me now invite you, if you choose, to enter into a spirit of prayer and reflection.Gracious spirit, whom we call by many names, we have come here in our grief and pain to remember a family who touched us with their love. Be with us now as we try to come to grips with our own shock and loss. Help us to find solace in the company of friends and family and in the beauty of the natural world around us.
We pray on this day for courage to face the world without Leslie, Charles, Zoe, and Dana in it. May we find the strength to carry on without them, seeking in our own ways to make our world a more just and peaceful place, as the spirits of these we mourn would wish us to do.
Help us not to turn our anger at the horror of their deaths into hatred. Be with us as we seek to find a path of healing both as individuals and as a nation.
Gracious spirit, even in the midst of so much pain, may we never forget that at the heart of this universe is the greatest power of all--love. May that love be with us as we move through the lonely days ahead.
I invite you now, in the quiet of your own hearts, to pray or reflect in a fashion that is meaningful to you… Amen.
CLOSING REMARKS
It is very hard to say good-bye to someone we love. But it is time to do that. Leslie, Charlie, Zoe and Dana are dead. They will never, in life, be with us again. Their voices are silenced, their hands are stilled. It is with great sadness that we recognize this reality, for they will be greatly missed. Their spirits live on, however, in our memories and hearts. For while each individual must die, life itself lives on. For life, and the spirit of love that enobles us, lives forever. Death cannot take them from us.It is time now to say goodbye. To let them go on the long journey into the unknown. Cry, mourn, hold tight to each other, even as your grip on them lessens.
Jesus reminds us that "blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted." By mourning, by grieving, by feeling sad for their death, may you find comfort in the love you held for them and that you hold for each other. May you find comfort in memory and in the knowledge that they live on in your hearts. Let your tears fall like rain, and like rain, let them water the blossoms of life that continue to grow even in the midst of death.
Leslie, Charlie, Zoe and Dana are dead. They will be missed. And yet your lives will go on. You will go on and experience more joy, and more pain. And while they cannot be with you in life ever again, they would relish your growth, they would cry over your pain, and they would exult in your happiness. Remember them in love as they would want you to.
The poet Mary Oliver writes that "Every year everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation, whose meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes, to let it go, to let it go."
While their bodies are gone from us, their spirits are free now to enter into our hearts and into eternity beyond seeing. Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We are glad they lived. We are glad that we saw their faces and felt the glow of their love. We cherish the memory of their words, their deeds, and their character. In love, we will remember their lives and the times we spent with them in companionship and friendship. And as we think of them, let us go in quietness and peace, to live our lives in joy and with love for one another.
CLOSING WORDS
As we go forth from this place may we commit ourselves to the creation of a better world, a world where acts of terror are not rained on little children, a world where people are not used as weapons, a world where love is the guiding force, not hatred. And may these words from Duncan Howlett, once minister of All Souls Unitarian Church in the District of Columbia, go with you on your journey."Life is worth the living. It is good and it is beautiful, in spite of the tragedy with which it is forever beset. We glory in life, under-girded by the faith that its goodness is pervasive, that it is part of the texture of life, that it is of the essence of the nature of things."
This is a profound faith. This is confidence in life, more profound than we perhaps suspect, because it stands upon faith and faith alone. There is no proof for it, no objective test to support it, except the living of life itself, but this is also the best test of all. [In spite of death,] life is worth the living."
Go in peace my friends. Amen.
