Pastoral Message
Catherine Holmes Clark
Posted on the UU Buddhist Fellowship Email List
March 20, 2003
Communication skills for peace: Avoid "you"
"We are in danger.
There is time only to work slowly...."
These words from "Song," by Deena Metzger, speak of the urgency of
changing our habits: those behavior patterns we indulge in hastily,
without thinking. The urgency of moving with deliberation, of taking
care.
This is the time we are in. Peace is created or destroyed in all
our
actions. What we say on this list contributes to the world situation.
We are all attached to our definitions of ourselves. If someone
tries to
describe me, to me, I resist the description. I get annoyed at its
inaccuracies; sometimes even feel threatened. I don't like the
idea of
someone else defining me.
It's not compassionate to tell someone what I think they are, or even
what I think they are doing. I will not communicate. Buddha recognized
this, when he gave directions for what we usually call "right speech":
it must be pleasing to the recipient (among other things), he said.
In fact, why would I try to tell someone what I think they are / are
doing? Who am I to define them? It's the contents of *my* mind
which I
am asking them to accept as theirs, my version of them. I am not caring
about *their* understanding of themselves, I am trying to force my
version on them.
In addition I am not taking responsibility for my authorship; I
am
projecting, hiding from myself the facts that *I* am the source of my
interpretation, and that I'm treating the other with violence.
When we treat others this callously, we are reacting out of our own
self-attachment. I consider myself some kind of authority, or I feel
that what I'm identifying in the other's behavior is threatening to *my*
self-image. Or I am refusing to admit some dark stuff in myself, and
making others into the bad guys makes me more comfortable because I can
dump on them. I convince myself there is an "enemy" who is "evil";
then
I can feel good about attacking him. It's *his* fault.
When I'm far gone in this defense of my ego, I will even "fight back"
in
advance -- and be absolutely convinced I'm justified.
Let's practice the simple antidote to this that we can all use:
when
writing to the UUBF-L, instead of trying to characterize someone else, or
their behavior, talk about ourselves. Report our experiences, our
feelings, our reactions. Take responsibility for our own perceptions.
Avoid the word "you".
This powerful practice is not easy. It will shake our ego-attachment.
Its effects on one mind will spread to others.
May all beings be at peace,
-- Catherine
© Copyright 2003 Catherine Holmes Clark
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