Talking to Kids About War and Terrorism

Linda Geissler , Director of Religious Education
Compiled from newsletter columns
published by the UU Congregation of Salem, Oregon

(Feb. 16, 2003) Now I need to ask advice from all of you. I am unsure how to talk to my kids about the threat of war. I talk with them about peace and my opposition to what the current administration is doing. I tell them about the opposition played out by millions of people in peace marches all over the world. I have not told them, and really don’t think I should, tell them about the things the newspaper or radio says about terrorism here. I am especially unsure what to do in response to the call that we should be prepared for disease or chemical agents. It scares me and I don’t want to share that with them. I am not asking this rhetorically; I really want to receive e-mails or other communications from you about how to keep the children aware without alarming them.

We don’t watch news on TV and mostly listen to NPR when the kids aren’t in the car with us. We haven’t run out to the hardware store for duct tape and plastic. So they are somewhat insulated from the propaganda that makes for panic.

I talked a little with the children at Children’s Worship time about the peace efforts and how they can work on peace inside themselves, too. I must admit, I use this technique a lot. I shared with them to take a deep breath and to breathe in PEACE and let their hearts feel the warmth of love. Beyond that, I am not sure how to respond to your children at worship or my own children at home. I guess this scares me more than the threats, as I want to do this well and protect them--all of them--as much as possible from fear.

Some of you, parents or not, have been involved in peace efforts for many years. What have you done in the past for your children? What do you suggest? I would really love to do the next newsletter’s column on things you do to help yourself or others around you in dealing with this kind of stress. I believe many of you with Buddhist training will have a particular outlook, as well as those of you who have had all kinds of activism training. I also think of all the counselors and other mental health and physical health professionals we have. I am grateful that I have you all to make this appeal to.

(March 1, 2003) Greetings! What a fabulous response I have had to my plea for ideas to deal with children and the possibility of war. I am going to use most of this space to quote letters and e-mails, as well as a phone call and web site ideas.

From Mary Murphy, who is a counselor, a letter that warmed my heart. Mary writes (I am quoting parts of her thoughtful letter to me):

“I think it helps children to be told, ‘Right now the war is very far away. It is not in our neighborhood, not in Salem, not near your school’ (depending on age of child and then tailoring accordingly.) Otherwise children may assume that the war is happening right here--just as other happenings (holidays, birthdays, visits from relatives) happen right here--in and around our homes.
“ I think children need to hear, ‘We plan to keep right on doing what we always do’--going to school, going to church, reading the books we get at the library, having breakfast and dinner together every day, etc. (routines)
“ I think they need to be reminded that Mom and Dad (or whoever) ‘plan to always be there for you to keep you safe, and help you learn ways to manage new experiences’--just like (examples of new experiences they’ve had in the past such as going to school for the first time, or the dentist, or getting used to having a new sibling, or falling off their bike....)
“I think they also need to hear that they can help by participating in family prayers or rituals such as lighting candles or signing a song together at specific, expected times. They can hold the wish that the grown-ups who are in charge of starting and stopping wars will be able to figure out ways to solve problems without having wars. Hands are not for hurting, but not everyone has learned this yet.
I think we need to invite children’s questions-it is okay to say ‘I don’t know just how to answer that’, if the only answers you can come up with are horrifying. We can say ‘It’s really hard to understand, isn’t it?’ ....Be sure they get to express their worries and other feelings.”

Can you tell Emily is not only a great counselor, but was also a DRE in her old congregation? The Newsweek article on the same subject that Emily sent said many similar things that Emily and Mary have pointed out. It had six important points: 1) maintain routines, 2) turn off the tv, 3) get them to talk, 4) notice how they act, 5) observe kids at risk, and 6) reassure your child (they include police, firefighters, paramedics, and the military as other helpful adults).

From Alma Howard: ”....One thing is to honestly acknowledge present dangers but to reassure the kids that there are powerful forces at work to counteract the dangers. Millions of people all over the world last weekend demonstrated their opposition to violence. Our own congregation was instrumental in helping organize the outpouring here in Salem. Our minister and many of our members continue to work to spread the word to our fellow citizens and our representatives that we are not helpless but continue to oppose violent actions wherever they threaten. We are doing our best to create a safe world for us all.”

I appreciate Alma’s comments from the peace activists’ perspective as our children can understand the marches and other things people are doing to object to our government’s threats to Iraq. Our older children can do their own activism to help them feel power over a situation that can leave us feeling powerless.

Donna Loveland sent several web sites along that she had gotten from DRE Anne Bancroft in Newton, Mass. Here are those sites: (How to Talk to Your Children About War , by Rebecca Coffey); (Talking About Terrorism with Preschooler/ School Age Children, Pre-teens and Teens ); (Talking With Kids About the News ).

Thank you so much, dear contributors, for your help on this important matter!

The last thing I would mention here is that in our peace effort all over the world and at home in our congregations, we need to be careful that it doesn't appear we are demonizing the military personnel. Many of our families and parents are directly affected and torn because of wanting to support their loved ones who may be going to battle soon. Hopefully we can have open dialogue in our congregations about this, too.

Thanks, Linda

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