Email
Caution Helps Avoid Damaging Situations
When a longtime member of a congregation decided it was time for a
new minister she started a derogatory email campaign against the current
one. She sent multi-page emails to members of the congregation, listing
all of the minister's alleged faults. The congregants quickly chose
sides as emails flew back and forth. In the ensuing battle of words
several staff and board members quit, and the congregation split.
A district executive who was later called in says that using email let
the situation escalate out of control. "The person who started
all of this used words in her emails that she probably would not have
used face-to-face. The use of email allowed name calling and other bad
behavior to happen."
Email increasingly is a culprit, says the district executive, when congregational
conflict flares. "It allows situations to escalate to a much higher
level than they would normally."
Deborah Weiner, the Unitarian Universalist Association's director of
electronic communication, has advice for using email. "Email is
great for arranging meetings," she says, "but not for dealing
with complex issues or mediating disputes. Email can easily be misinterpreted
because it's impossible to show nuance. I've seen some truly cruel and
mean things done with email."
Her recommendations: If you're responding to an emotional situation,
let your email sit overnight before sending it. Adopt a measured tone.
Don't forward emails of others without their permission. Remember that
once you send an email you lose all control of it; it can be copied,
sent to others, and quoted out of context even years later.
Every congregation should have rules about email, she says. "We
can't live without email these days, so we need to live with it. Using
an email list is a privilege, not a right. There is no first amendment
right to destroy a congregation with ill-considered emails. Don't assume
that everyone knows how to act appropriately on email. People don't
all come from the same place. You need to spell it out."
Other recommendations: Never say anything about someone in an email
that you wouldn't want that person to see. If someone wants to have
an email conversation about someone else or a complicated issue, invite
them to meet with you in person.
Adds the district executive, "Every time I go into a congregation
that's in conflict the first thing I tell them is to stop the email.
Get face-to-face in a room and see the person you're talking to. It
can be horrible to watch people who care about their congregation tear
each other apart with email. And every time I say 'Stop the emails,'
I hear an 'amen' chorus." Generally, she says, small to midsize
congregations have more difficulty with email than larger ones.
Another congregation experienced problems with two church-sponsored
email lists. One is for church announcements. The other is for open
discussion.
A church leader explains: "The policy has been that anyone can
post to the announcements list, and some people abuse it by offering
personal items for sale. I wish we had restricted it to just having
certain leaders post all the announcements, but to go back and do that
now would cause an uproar."
The leader adds, "People misuse the discussion list in ways that
are hurtful. They don't understand that humor comes across as sarcasm.
Periodically things flare up and people get upset then it dies down.
I wish we didn't have this list at all."
And sometimes people confuse the lists and post to the wrong one, the
leader says. "As a result, many members have chosen not to subscribe
to the church announcement list because they want to avoid hurtful emails.
In essence, the church has lost an effective tool for publicizing church
news. I'd like to see a church where people can discuss things face-to-face
and be in relationship with each other."
Winter
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