2046 When Your Minister Falls Ill

The Rev. Charles Stephens, the Rev. Mary Harrington, Lynn Hansen, Tony Panzetta, and Kevyn Malloy
Sponsored by the Metro New York District

What happens when a minister falls ill? That was the question that these panelists answered from their personal experience. What they all learned is that the minister's illness affects everyone in the congregation—from the members to the staff to the minister's family and to the minister his or herself.

Charles Stephens told attendees about a year and a half after arriving at his current congregation, he felt an abdominal pain that he tried to avoid. But instead, he ended up in the emergency room, and after exploratory surgery, he woke up to discover that a tumor and eighteen inches of his colon had been removed, and that he had a new diagnosis: cancer. The diagnosis changed everything. No longer could he pretend that it was business as usual, and he had to tell the congregation what was going on. He had no choice but to give up control, and he was absent from the pulpit for six months.

But none of this was known at the beginning. There were a great number of questions: how long would he be forced to be away from work, should he go on disability, how to involve the congregation and what work to get done were just the big ones. Stephens reached out for help, asking ministers with experience in these situations what they thought. The District staff, UUA staff, and UU Ministers' Association Executive were supportive, but didn't have much practical advice. Forced to do nothing, Stephen's spiritual practice became napping, but he wasn't sure how to support the congregation and family well, until Mary Harrington called.

Harrington currently serves our congregation in Marblehead, Mass., but back in the mid-1990s, she was working with Dan O'Neal in Santa Rosa, Calif., when he was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. As O'Neal's health failed, the congregation members didn't know what to do. The dynamics mostly had to do with a lot of confusion, anxiety and worry about O'Neal, his wife, and the future of the congregation. O'Neal increasingly became unable to work, but did not want to let go, and that also created tension. With little advice available, the congregation, O'Neal and Harrington had to invent the response as they went along.

Harrington said that three reactions were the hardest to deal with:

• Some people were angry and impatient with O'Neal, and wanted the situation "resolved" so they could move on. This group was very angry, and there was a lack of desire not to have to acknowledge what was going on, and there were those who had issues already who seemed like they were using O'Neal's fragility as an opportunity to get even or act out. When people otherwise liked and respected acted out or in ways that appeared inconsistent with their general behavior, the images of bad behavior never left.
• Some cancer patients and survivors who didn't get the kind of attention O'Neal was getting from the congregation were resentful. O'Neal should follow their pattern of coping and being responded to. It was hard for this group to accept the care O'Neal was receiving from the congregation, since they had not received this degree of support.
• Some people were overbearing in their desire to help and to care, and they wanted O'Neal to receive their help and care at levels they determined, not that he did. There was jealousy about who was closest to O'Neal, and although O'Neal wanted privacy, they wanted to step in and felt upset when their offers of care were not accepted. It was almost as if a sibling rivalry was in place.

Lynn Hansen was chair of the Worship Associates when Stephens received his diagnosis, and had to step immediately into service. Stephens was supposed to be doing a pulpit exchange, and they needed to fill other pulpit, and figure out how to communicate Stephens' illness with their own congregation. That solved, Hansen realized that it wasn't only one Sunday they had to worry about, but this one, the next one, the one after that, and who knew how many.

Hansen and Tony Panzetta, chair of the Board, went to visit Stephens in the hospital, and thus began their teamwork to bring the congregation through this difficult time. This team worked with Stephens to sort out what information the congregation knew, how to keep the lines open, and keep the congregation running. Hansen said that although the worship associates were used to assisting with the services, they were not initially ready to prepare sermons and whole services on a weekly basis. Plus, she said, the ministers who visited and helped out weren't always familiar with the "hands-on" approach of worship associates.

Plus, Hansen said, they were all in trauma themselves, because their minister was ill, and no one knew the outcome. Her job of worship associates also became one of pastoral care. As she notified the worship associates, she helped them manage their reactions and shock to the news. The staff also needed care, especially since the director of religious education had lost her husband just a few weeks before. The congregation's "Totally Tuesdays" program of shared ministry with fellowship, worship, and adult education also had to be covered in Stephens' absence.

To handle all the chores and the coordination of the church work during this time, an emergency committee, MSG, was created—the initials remained the same, but the name changed throughout the process. This was a gathering of the chairs of the relevant committees, and others were welcome to come. They met weekly, beginning with a statement of how Stephens was doing, and then reviewing the work of the church. They were in good shape since the model already in place when Stephens became ill was one of shared ministry with the worship associates and the caring committee. The Totally Tuesday program became the way they dealt with grief, but through the process many of the leaders got burned out-they didn't get their usual summer "break" and had to carry on through the next year without let up.

Tony Panzetta was chair of the Board during Stephens' illness, and it was a special experience for all of them. Panzetta was responsible for the formal organizational responsibilities, including being part of the group that had to insist that Stephens not work. The Board immediately decided to financially support Stephens as if he were working fulltime without any strings or conditions attached. They created multiple lines of communication in the congregation—clusters, groups, and other gatherings both to give people information and help them deal with their reactions. Every service included an update on Stephens' health. Some people behaved inappropriately, and the Board sought to create venues for talking, listening and responding to concerns. His job boiled down to presenting the face of stability to the congregation, and assurance that the leadership knew what to do. During the period of Stephens' illness, things like membership growth slowed down.

Kevyn Malloy was the chair of the caring ministry at the time, and that group was tested to the max during Stephens' illness. Even though the members of the caring ministry had been trained and up and running for five years, prior to Stephens' illness, he had been the hub of the caring work of the congregation. One of the first chores was to help the congregation know that they now had to channel information in another direction. Members of the congregation also felt that what might be happening to them in their lives paled beside Stephens' illness, so they also had to convince people it was okay to let them know of these perceived-to-be "lesser" concerns. One thing that they did not do well, Malloy said, was to care for the minister's family. Stephens' two young children could have used better support and information about their father's illness.

The caring committee was also called upon to learn more about memorial services with the death of a beloved member shortly after Stephens' illness began. They had to figure out not only what to do for the service, but also for the family and friends in the congregation. Out of their experiences and overall growth, they now focus more on care for the caregiver. What would have been more helpful to them would have been knowledge that people would act out.

Stephens reported that they have now created the Healing Ministries Project to help other congregations in similar situations. Harrington's visit with Stephens' family proved to be such a valuable time that they want to make sure that they can provide this kind of service and support to others who might be in need.

In particular, they cite the need for training of district staff, and the need for the family to have their own ministerial support. The children had a grapevine of misinformation, and so providing them with details earlier on from someone who was there for them would have helped greatly.

Hansen said that there were also problems when Stephens came back. By then members had become accustomed to their roles and the work they were doing, and it took some time for them to work out the wrinkles when Stephens reassumed his control. It was also because of the work she did during this time that Hansen is in training to be a UU minister.

Other issues that can be involved when a minister is ill are how to cope when they are unable to do the job, but don't want to let go, and backing off those who would just wish to oust the minister. There are issues of privacy, secrecy, and who gets to control the information about and the time of the minister. There are different issues regarding the type of illness involved. Cancer is acceptable, where some illnesses like depression and addiction are harder for congregations to rally around.

Information about Healing Ministries will be available through the UUMA website at the UUMA Web site (uuma.org) .

Reported by Lisa Presley; edited by Margy Levine Young.

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