2027 Theme 1: Letting Our Light Shine
Same-Sex Marriage: Finding Our Public Voice
Janet Hayes, Information Officer, UUA
Strategic Message Tips for Marriage Equality
These pointers were adapted from a presentation by Evan Wolfson
to the UUA Public Witness Team. Evan is the head of Freedom to Marry,
and has led the movement for the past decade.
Messages for All Communicators:
- Focus on shared American values. Try not to speak of
"civil disobedience" by county clerks, mayors and clergy,
but of "honoring the Constitution's command of equality."
In this light, it's appropriate to say that the Goodridge
decision "ended discrimination against same-sex couples."
In other words, everyone knows that discrimination is bad, and
so a decision ending it is just and proper (and All-American).
- Distinguish between Strategic Understanding of the
issues and your Public Message. For example, the term
"Civil Marriage" was initially useful, but it is becoming
increasingly confusing. Many people are unable to distinguish
Civil Marriage from Civil Unions, which fall far short of legal
marriage. For simple messages, stick with terms like "Marriage
Equality," "Equal Marriage," or "Freedom to
Marry." Use "civil marriage" only in more detailed
contexts or when distinguishing it from "religious"
or "sacramental" unions. As a corollary, try to avoid
using the word "marriage" when discussion strictly religious
ceremonies with no legal standing.
Advice for Religious Communities: Two Important Rhetorical Strategies:
- Focus on "Real People." Specifically,
focus on the faces and stories of same-sex couples and their families.
Emphasizing our straight ministers' noble calls to civil disobedience
is a tempting strategy, but it puts the spotlight on the wrong
people. When ministers (whether straight or gay) are interviewed,
their messages always need to focus on real examples of real GBLT
families (without outing anyone, of course!).
- Equal Treatment for ordinary, decent people needs to
be the gist of all messages about Marriage Equality. Avoid drama
whenever possible. Do not go to the press with law-breaking antics
or revolutionary-sounding demands. The undecided segment of the
public will rightly perceive this kind of message as provocative,
and they will view the messenger as being way out on the social
fringe. Instead, provide a glimpse into the ordinary lives of
good people who are forced to struggle because they are denied
basic civil rights.
- Focus on the positive. Emphasize how important it is
for all people to be able to marry the person of their choice,
to protect their families in times of crisis, and to participate
in the responsibilities of mutual care and support. Resist hurling
accusations framed in the negative, such as "Marriage is
not a heterosexual privilege." Doing this fails to positively
define marriage, and it puts all straight, married people on the
defensive. Using the word "heterosexual" divides people
and sounds unnecessarily jargon-y, while the word "privilege"
may be insulting (and completely inaccurate) if applied to the
many disenfranchised straight couples whose lives are anything
but privileged.
- Rope off the slippery slope: It may be true that marriage
in general needs to be re-examined by thoughtful people, but we're
not doing that right now. Remember the distinction between understanding
and strategy, outlined above. Marriage equality is not about changing
anything. It's about taking a vital, respected, legal institution,
and ensuring fair and equal access to that institution for all
people who wish to participate. Therefore, strictly limit all
discussions of marriage to reflect the currently existing legal
institution in every way: two people, legal adults, not married
to anyone else, not related to one another, etc. Don't call for
legal or tax reform of marriage now. Being strategic means picking
your battles, so save all other discussions for another time.
Countering "Defense of Marriage" Arguments:
Opponents will often use terms like "traditional marriage,"
but in reality there's no such thing. You don't have to go back
as far as the Bible to tackle this fallacy. Responses to "historical"
objections should emphasize four historical shifts in marriage within
many adults' lifetimes (note that attacks on gay marriage often
include prejudices that apply equally to one of these four areas
of progress in American marriage law):
- Laws were overturned that prohibited marriage between couples
of different races (Loving v. Virginia).
- Divorce was made more accessible and more fair with new inventions
like community property, no-fault divorce, etc.
- Gradual reform in property laws empowered women within marriage.
- Court decisions continue to be made that strengthen a couple's
Right to Privacy. Decisions regard contraception, abortion, consenting
sexual acts. Use these examples with care—it may not always
be in your best interest to remind a hostile audience about Roe
v. Wade).
Advice for Same-Sex Couples:
Understand the difference between the Decision to Marry
and the Decision to Litigate. Evan Wolfson advises couples
to marry and go about their lives, to tell their stories and then
wait for the right place and time for any legal challenges. Contrary
to the common perception, this struggle is not entirely about legal
strategies. Wolfson and the national legal groups strongly encourage
couples to "bear moral witness" rather than litigate.
Any decision to litigate should be made in consultation with GLAD
or another national BGLT rights organization that has legal resources
and expertise.
"Bearing Moral Witness" is a powerful and spiritual act,
but it is not easy. Below are a few things to consider if you are
interested in sharing your story:
- Weigh carefully the costs of allowing your story to be told.
Be sure to set boundaries for anyone who might share your story
(including your minister and/or congregation). For example, you
may agree in principle to let your minister describe your family
in an interview, but not to include the name of your child. Or
you may prefer to speak with reporters directly and not through
third parties. Alternately, you might only be comfortable providing
sensitive information in writing. Decide on how you feel about
being photographed, and how much background information about
a publication you need before agreeing to an interview.
- Remember to emphasize the responsibilities and obligations
of marriage. "It's important for me to know that if anything
happens to me, Dan will be provided for" is a much more effective
message than, "Why shouldn't I be entitled to Dan's pension
just like a straight spouse would be?" Show that you're a
good citizen and just want to be allowed to do your duty by your
loved one(s). Yes, it's a deeply conservative argument, but we're
not preaching to the choir here.
- Revel in your ordinariness! This is not so much an opportunity
for dramatic coming-out stories as it is for describing your carpooling
and home-repair experiences. Emphasize the ways in which your
family is just the same as any other. Then, in simple and clear
language, describe how your lives would be better with the benefit
of legal marriage rights.
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