3017 Men Graying Gracefully

Rev. Tom Owen Towle

The Rev. Tom Own Towle has recently retired as co-minister of the First UU church in San Diego with his wife Carolyn. He has spent 30 years working with men in local UU congregations and is an author of 15 books, three on men’s issues and the author of the Minns Lectures: “Save the Males: Intentional Care and Feeding of the Masculine Soul in Unitarian Universalism”, to be published this fall by Meadville-Lombard Press

Towle began by discussing the role of the Elder in many communities and how the Elder (whether male or female) is a revered member of the society in some cultures, a “man among men.” In our culture, he said, it is the opposite. Our aging men are pushed to the edge of our society and consciousness and left to play shuffleboard, watch TV, and waste away in nursing homes as forgotten souls. They are rarely seen as grounding forces in our communities and the resulting impact on the man’s psyche is stark. Towle stated that men over the age of 60 are five times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women. We assume, Towle said, that the older men of our society can’t do much of anything anymore and so we leave them alone and forget about them because of a lack of consistent attention to these people at all stages of life. Even men that were pillars in our church communities are often forgotten once the limits of their age prevent them from attending church on Sundays. Towle was clear to mention, interestingly, that this occurs with our young people as much as our “old crones” as he lovingly calls the older people, which ties back to his comment about attending to these souls at all stages of their lives.

Towle’s reflection on this condition was that it didn’t have to be that way. By making the connection with these people in our churches and communities, we all become “larger” in the process. He said “if you’re not being admired by a younger person, and vice-versa, you’re being hurt”.

Towle switched gears at this point to provide useful, prescriptive measures that we can take to ensure that we can stay vital within the community and become the revered Elders that we deserve to be: Blessing and Being Blessed.

By blessing, Towle means that we need to take the time to serve others, give back to members of the community and our family. Towle gave an example of his coaching his grandson’s little league team, which has been very rewarding for him. He also said we need to take risks in order to grow. In the process, we bless the people and things that we touch.

By being blessed, Towle means that “it’s about salvation” and “souling”, the process of getting in touch with fear, anger, and the other uncomfortable feelings that we men rarely get in touch with. Four minutes a month, Towle stated, is all the time men allow to cry versus the twenty-eight that women take. Next, by shedding (things, processes, etc.) we make peace with our lives. By surrendering (Towle was careful to state that this is not submitting, but trusting) to our feelings, needs, and the realities of age, we make peace with our existence and can truly be comfortable with our role as the Elder, the Old Fart, or the Old Crone.

Reported for the Web by Erik Svenson; Edited by Margy Levine Young; Web Design by Julie Albanese

Unitarian Universalist Association
25 Beacon St. | Boston, MA 02108 | 617-742-2100