Neil Chethik

2012 What Sons Need From Their Dads

Speaker: Neil Chethik
Moderator: Jaco ten Hove
Sponsored by the UU Men's Network

Neil Chethik interviewed 70 men between 1997 and 2001 for his book Fatherloss, about the meaning of loss of fathers. Among other things, he asked the question "What did your father do that was best, that gave you what you needed in the world?"

Children generally expressed amazement over the physical enormity of their fathers compared to them as 4 or 5-year olds. Therefore, men must be careful to use their size and power judiciously. Kids wanted Dad's strength to be used in protecting them, to keep the demons away, and feel safe.

Discipline
Abuse by fathers: children always thought, even years later, that "I deserved it." But soft clear discipline was more effective than hitting. The most effective punishment occurred when the father said, "Go think about what you've done, you've really disappointed me" and clear expectations were made. This was remembered 35 years later.

Affection
The best memories men reported were about physicality -- being carried piggyback, being thrown up in the air, wrestling. The sons felt safe and protected while engaging in "fun" physicality. The moral here is that there's a safe way to harness a man's power/strength. It's how a boy learns about how to use physical strength in a positive, non-abusive way.
Affection is less about physicality than about loving attention, expressed in many ways -- involvement in activities, coaching, Sunday school, etc.

It's important for fathers to be open to whatever turns their son on (even if it's not sports) and go with it. Neil's son likes old cartoons, for example, and even though Neil hates them, he watches them with his son.

The need for affection never changes.

Blessing
Sons need some form of blessings from their fathers, that they're proud of them for the choices they've made, etc. Blessings can be subtle; when fathers ask for advice from their sons, that's a form of blessing. This can happen in later years, when a father may have physical infirmities and need help doing things that were very easy in younger years.

Most sons will forgive at any age if they receive some form of blessing.

Closure
A gift of good-bye is very important; it allows a son to go on in the world; Neil related the story of the father on his deathbed who after years of not relating to his son, told him, "You've got a good family. You'll be fine!" It enabled the son to grieve the normal sadness of his dad's leaving, but avoid the bitterness of not being validated by him.

An interesting sidelight is that sons upon attaining adulthood still need the blessing and confirmation of their worth from their fathers.

Reported for the web by Allan Stern, edited by Jone Johnson Lewis