4027 Marriage from the Heart
Family Matters Task Force

Presenter: Lois Kellerman, author, Marriage from the Heart Moderator: the Rev. Pat Hoertdoerfer, Director, Children, Family and Intergenerational Programs, Religious Education Department Respondents: the Rev. Pat Hoertdoerfer; The Rev. Keith Kron, director of the UUA Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Concerns; James Coomes, member of the UUA Nominating Committee

Lois Kellerman Lois Kellerman, an Ethical Culture leader, began by telling the story of how her book, Marriage from the Heart, came to be: she was looking for a book that would help liberal religious couples cope with the many issues that come after the wedding, and she had not found such a book. She then worked in partnership with Nellie Bly (yes, her real name -- and especially serendipitous because Kellerman’s mother had followed the original "Nellie Bly" as a reporter at the same newspaper and had written a popular biography of that "Nellie Bly," a pseudonym for Elizabeth Jane Cochrane) to create one. Drawing the parallel between their working partnership and the book, Kellerman said, "Partnerships are first discovered and then they’re made." "It’s not a ‘how to be perfect’ book," Kellerman told the standing-room-only audience of more than a hundred. "Marriage from the Heart is about risk, and is centered on the core human values needed to get through a dynamic life together." The book, she continued, is not just for certain couples: it’s for anyone in or considering a committed relationship, whether that is a friendship or a marriage recognized by the state or a committed partnership which is not now so recognized. The book, Kellerman said, is told primarily with stories, because "story is the only way to teach a free people." "It is time for us to claim our liberal religious family values," she said, "not built on the singular basis of any one belief or book, but based on a living covenant, where worth and dignity can be reciprocally realized. "It’s so simple in the end," she said, "and yet so difficult sometimes to be simple."

Rev. Pat Hoertdoerfer She summarized the "eight commitments of a spiritually fulfilling life together . . . centering, choosing, honoring, caring, abiding, repairing, listening and celebrating," and told a few stories and expanding on each idea. The respondents asked Kellerman about how class differences and economic circumstance might affect the focus of a couple, of how gay or lesbian couples might use the ideas, how intercultural couples and aging couples might have special issues, and how the book might speak to engaged religious liberals as "pre-Cana" classes or required "Engaged Encounter" sessions speak to Roman Catholic couples. A study and discussion guide for Marriage from the Heart is available on the UUA website. Lois Kellerman’s website: http://www.loiskellerman.com Handout: Eight Committments of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together Reprinted with permission from "Marriage from the Heart" FIRST COMMITMENT Centering: I will create a warm, loving home life and place, my marriage at its center. SECOND COMMITMENT Choosing: I will cultivate the discipline of choosing wisely. THIRD COMMITMENT Honoring: I will have reverence for my partner and myself. FOURTH COMMITMENT Caring: I will be a source of loving care for my partner, setting my heart upon what matters most. FIFTH COMMITMENT Abiding: I will have faith, patiently persisting through life's many changes. SIXTH COMMITMENT Repairing: I will work to mend what is broken in my partner and myself. SEVENTH COMMITMENT Lirtening: I will stay open to new insight, however unlikely the source. EIGHTH COMMITMENT Celebrating: I will celebrate spiritual values with my partner and others. Reporter Jone Johnson Lewis

General Assembly 2002 · Program Grid 2002 · General Assembly Home