3076 UUism and Polyamory: Many Traditions, Many Loves
UUs for Polyamory Awareness

The crowd ranged from young adults to seniors in their 70s and nearly filled the small room. Only a few seats were open in the front, while people sat on the floor in the back listening to Tom Stevens and Valerie White discuss polyamory and why they felt a polyamory organization has a role as an affiliate member of the UUA. The Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA) are emerging from the closet, hoping to take their place beside the divorced, the intentionally single, gays and lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people as fully accepted people.

Polyamory is defined by UUPA as the philosophy and practice of loving or relating intimately to more than one other person at a time with honesty and integrity. Polyamory is not a new idea. Many, including prominent people, have lived quiet lives in polyamorous relationships in which all the parties knew and accepted all the other parties. The "ménage á trois" or "household of three" has long been practiced in real life and described in fiction. A 1983 study by Blumenstein and Schwartz reported that between 15 and 28% of married couples in their sample group had "an understanding that allows nonmonogamy." Certainly, a larger proportion has "cheated" on their spouses, as survey after survey has shown.

Polyamorists distinguish their practice from both "swinging" and "cheating." "Swinging" is a form of recreational sex involving swapping of partners for an evening. Polyamory involves intentional and open long-term loving relationships. Cheating is a covert extramarital relationship. Polyamorists believe that the discovery of covert affairs is destructive because of the severe issues of trust and betrayal that are raised.

Many ask why people would wish to struggle with the difficulties of managing multiple intimate relationships. There are many reasons. Some believe themselves to be "hard-wired" to be polyamorists. Others feel their lives will be enriched and that longstanding relationships are not necessarily destroyed by the energy that kindles in a new one. Some find delight in variety. Others are liberated by not feeling they have to be everything to their partner or to expect to find everything in one partner. Thus, some may find more sex as a result, and others less without destroying a primary, loving relationship. Whether a choice or a genetic predilection, polyamorists seek the same kind of affirmation and acceptance that Unitarian Universalism has granted to many others who sought liberation from the strictures of the societal ideal of one man marrying one woman until death do them part, forsaking all others. With its emphasis on finding their own way, Unitarian Universalism welcomed single people as fully human and not something that set them apart as something lesser. In a time when divorce was a stigma, our religion welcomed the divorced, and then the gay and lesbian people, bisexuals and the transgendered.

UUPA arose from discussions on an internet website where people discovered UUs seemed to be over-represented on the list. This led to discussions and a feeling that being openly polyamorous should no more conflict with being a UU than being openly gay. Many of the same charges that have been made against gays and lesbians are made against "polyfolk." They’re charged with being hedonistic and irresponsible pleasure seekers. The prejudice and oppression against those who seek more than one love are evident in the labels such as "adulterer" that are applied. Like gays, many have lost jobs or have become estranged from their parents. Polyamory is not about recreational sex. It’s about love and expanding love. Interestingly, one of the continuing arguments within the community is whether deep, intimate, but nonsexual, relationships with members of the opposite sex outside of marriage qualify. Most would accept such as being a form of polyamory. Polyfolk are not dangerous predators out to seduce the spouses of honest monogamists into their "lifestyle," also a charge made against gays and lesbians earlier. Polyamorists are about openness and respectfulness of all concerned.

UUPA was formed to advance a free and responsible exploration of the UU poly religious, spiritual and lifestyle values and to promote understanding and acceptance of these values within the UUA and through the UUA to society at large, especially the broader UU and polyamorous communities.

During the workshop, several people "came out." With joy on their faces evident, couples, gays and lesbians announced they had found acceptance for an important aspect of their selves that had been denied. After the meeting, several older people who had probably been afraid to speak out came up and thanked Stevens and White for helping polyamory emerge from the shadows. At the same time, more than one confessed to having lived a poly lifestyle for many years.

For further information, the polyamory website is: http://www.uupa.org.

Reported by Bob Hurst, web designer Elena Davidson

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