(Cleveland, OH - June 20, 2001) This workshop, led by the Reverend Sarah York, began with some remarks on the process of mourning, then quickly opened up to a discussion and sharing circle among the 20 plus ministers and seminary students in attendance.
Rev. York highlighted some topics covered in her recent book: Remembering Well:
Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death (available through the UUA
Bookstore). Ministers and lay people from many faiths, looking for
direction with the difficult transition of death, have widely praised this book.
Some of the points she made are:
- Ministers need to be flexible to accommodate the wishes of the family and the wishes of the deceased.
- They need to be aware of complex relationships around every memorial service, because of divorce, existing tensions, and estrangements.
- They must be sensitive to the circumstances of death for example, death by disease, murder, or suicide.
There are many more suggestions, stories, and examples in her book.
Rev. York then opened up the discussion on the trends observed around mourning and funeral rituals. This lead to lively sharing by many in the room. Some of the trends identified were:
- UUs expressing a desire for less ritual or even no service at all;
- a growing desire to rely less on clergy guidance during the funeral rites;
- a rise in use of cremation;
- having the service, then doing committal later;
- moving from grieving to memorializing too quickly;
- not displaying the body;
- creating collages and scrapbooks of remembrance; and
- celebrating life before one dies
In closing Rev. York made a few points:
- Try to remember that the memorial service should address the needs of the friends, co-workers and caregivers in addition to the family.
- There is an opportunity to perform rituals immediately before and after the
death, such as lighting a candle, laying on hands of the body, washing the
body, saying prayers, the ritual of thank gratitude, and the litany of prayer.
- Make a ritual of some of the tasks around the rite of passage such as giving away cloths and creating a scrapbook.
- Birthdays of the deceased and the anniversary of the death are wonderful
opportunities for on-going rituals of remembrance. For example, in the Jewish
tradition a candle is lit for 24 hours on the anniversary of the death.
Also, planting tree or a plant may be a healing way to remember a loved
one.
Other attendees offered some of their suggestions for supporting people with the
death and dying process:
- Encourage members of the congregation to complete a "Life Crisis" form.
- Organize adult education on topics such as "Planning Your Own Memorial
Service" or "On Death and Dying."
- Recommend reading Lisa Carlson's book Caring for the Dead: Your Final Act
of Love, (available at Amazon.com.)
- Have special services or time and space during the service for children as appropriate. For example, they can sit together and make a craft.
- Discuss ahead of time options about embalming, burial, cremation, and scattering.
Rev. York has just completed an interim ministry at the Rosslyn
Hill Chapel in London, England. She resides with her family in Ashville,
NC and is also an author Into the Wilderness a meditation manual, available
through the UUA Bookstore.
Written by Jessie Washington
General Assembly 2001 · Program Grid
