WHOLLY FAMILY SERVICE
by Rev. Carolyn Owen-Towle
First Unitarian Church of San Diego, CA

Origins and Development of Wholly Family Celebration

WHY: The family is acknowledged to be the central social organization within
society. It is something universally understood in one sense, yet little
understood in another. While we know intellectually that a family is not
simply a mother, father and two children, emotionally we revert to that
vision.

I felt it was important to lift up a diversity of families in our congregation
in order to enlarge the congregation's understanding and appreciation of
"family". It has become one of the most anticipated services of the year.
Because we conducted the first such service in December, the first group of
families chose to call it "Wholly Family". The name has stuck. This year we
will celebrate our 10th Wholly Family service.

Design and Participation in Wholly Family Service

HOW: I select four-to-six families and invite them to participate. We have had:
· Interracial families
· Adoptive families, often of interracial children
· Single persons for whom the church is family
· Gay and Lesbian families, with or without children
· Families with mom, dad and children
· Several generations of a family in the church
· Single persons for whom a pet/or pets are family
· Second marriage families
· A straight couple who have joined their lives but not in marriage.
· An intentionally extended family made up of singles, couples and their
· children.
· A couple which has chosen not to have children

We meet four times. The content of their sharings comes from them. I
encourage them to talk about their family traditions, the things that bind
them together as a family. In the process the families get to know one
another. The fourth meeting is a rehearsal in the Meeting House, on Saturday
before the services, where everyone shares their words with the mike (children
share too, if they choose), and encouragement to enunciate etc.

We create an altar on which each person puts something which symbolizes their family:
A telephone, a live Christmas tree, an ornament, homemade food, pictures, a
musical instrument, etc. This is all done the day before the service.

The congregation has grown a far richer appreciation for what family means.
The participants are taken to the heart of the congregation and love the
experience of sharing their lives.

Next to the chalice each family places a candle and candlestick of their
choice. When a family has shared they light their candle and then the
congregation gives them a blessing: "We honor and bless your family in its
love, meaning, beauty and uniqueness."
At other times we have sung to them: "From you I receive, to you I give" #402 Singing the Living Tradition.

A CELEBRATION OF WHOLLY FAMILY
by Rev. Carolyn Owen-Towle
December 20, 1992
First Unitarian Church of San Diego, CA

INTRODUCTION
When we ask ourselves where we belong in the world, my hunch is that it is in a family. Perhaps not a family as people are used to thinking?—perhaps it is the family of humankind— that huge interdependent web of existence of which we are a part.

“Family” is a defining unit in society, isn’t it? The family is where we long to be at home. It is the center to which we return day in, day out, deservedly or undeservedly; it is the place where, hopefully, we are taken in.

With family we are usually the most ourselves, without artifice. As each of us knows, that can be a blessing or a curse! We can tell secrets, act silly, be sad or happy, cry, play, make love, eat, do all the dearest deep-down things with those we love.

Families of origin are not always the families in which we feel most at home. We come from them, yet go out into the world to find families of our own making. Sometimes we fail, and try again.

Now we know intellectually that there are different kinds of families. But it is difficult, in this society, to escape the “traditional” image of a family, that of father, mother and 2.3 children. Our imaginations clearly need stretching here.

For in reality we are living through a period of historic change in American life. The family as we knew it, or thought we knew it, does not exist. Rather, we are creating many American families, of diverse composition and meaning. Such families are increasingly defined by commitment rather than by legal structures.

Are you aware of the current effort in San Diego to pass a Family Diversity Ordinance, chaired by our own January Riddle? Linda McCorkle served on the committee when she interned here. This proposed ordinance recognizes the family as “...a unit of interdependent and interacting individuals, related together over time by strong social and emotional bonds or by ties of marriage, birth and adoption, whose central purpose is to create, maintain and promote the social, mental, physical and emotional development and well being of each of its members.”

As people of a religious community, you and I have the responsibility, and the privilege, to acknowledge and affirm one another’s lives at their centers. Until we recognize our separate realities, we cannot truly come to know and minister to one another. As we lovingly learn to do that here, we may more wisely relate to the complexities of families beyond our doors. Lifting up but a few of the family units in our congregation this morning, let us begin to appreciate the great diversity we embrace right here: Every family is a sacred circle, intersected by many other circles, including that of this beloved community. Every family formed with love and will is worthy of support, nurture, and acceptance. Our families have chosen symbols to represent them, which they will describe. These are arranged here on our family altar. Do come forward after the service to get a better look. Each family has brought a special candle. Following their sharing, they will light their candle from the community chalice while we, the congregation, give them a blessing (printed in your order of service). Let our celebration of wholly family begin!

FAMILY: Simone-Marie and Jennifer Blue

Having a divorce is kind of good and having a divorce is kind of bad. It’s good in the way that I see my dad every other weekend. It’s bad in the way that I don’t see my dad as much as I see my mom. When I was seven and I came home from being with my dad, I would cry as I watched him drive down the hill. But then everything changed. I went to Brownie camp, and the day before I went home, I missed my mom a whole lot! From then on, whenever I go to a slumber party or go with my dad, I miss my mom. My point is, having just one parent at a time is really hard!

I have chosen a heart as a symbol for our family because it represents love. - Simone-Marie Blue

Society’s term for the kind of family Simone and I have is the single-parent family. I am single and I parent my child. I have been and done so for five years. All the focus of the term “single parenting” is on my marital status, and on my responsibility, as though I was burdened with the greater challenge and the more difficult task. In truth, when Simone’s father and I put her in the position of having to adjust to a new family order, we also gave her a lifelong challenge, and a day-in-day-out, year-in-year-out task of adapting to a life of having only one parent at a time. She has a great deal of work to do. Me? By-comparison, my job is fairly easy and, frankly, being single has its distinct advantages. I love having the power to make unilateral decisions about how the money will be spent or saved, where we will or will not live when I embark on my new profession next year, and most important, what TV shows will be watched after Simone goes to bed. This kind of power turns me on! No wonder so many men have so jealously guarded their elite position as head of household for lo these many eons! And it’s not lonely at the top, because Simone and I are family, not a corporation. I am mother and father, she is sister and brother. We are a compact version of the traditional model. We share all the love and support, comfort and conflict, fun, fights, silliness, and sorrow that a family twice our size shares. But we can also join both our hands and be twice as strong.
- Jennifer Blue

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: John Davis and Janet and Jon Steven Bowermaster

Janet and I met here at church, out on the patio following a Sunday service. In the course of becoming friends, romantic companions, and committed life-partners, we blended our families and created a variety of relationships in the process.
My sons from a prior marriage, Jared and Matthew, and Janet’s son, Jon Steven, and daughter, Stephanie, are affected by the myriad of eclectic family connections we all juggle. The kids have twelve grandparents between them, countless other relatives and a complex mixture of family dynamics that spin out from the three parental households they frequent. This has advantages and would be wonderful for all if it weren’t for the fact that many of these loved ones are entwined in tensions flowing from failed commitments, lost love, and painful separations.

And so, not having a better alternative, we talk about these things. We endure the heartaches and revel in the joys. We hold on to one another, slowly coming to trust and build relationships of depth and love. The longer Janet and I remain strongly bonded, the less troublesome our inter-family challenges become. The kids are still reconciling to the fact that their parents have divorced and are now married to someone who is not genetically linked to them. We are all learning to accept and adjust to this truth, and some of us even celebrate it.

One of the essential elements of the loving life-partnership I share with Janet is nurturing our extended, blended family. It’s a pleasure to do just about anything with this woman, but this effort to expand our family’s unity is fundamental to our joint venture and is near the core of our connection.
- John Davis

A blended family. Blended. To blend. To mingle intimately, to produce a harmonious effect. As John suggested, our blended family is complex. If we envision it in terms of harmonies, it would be a veritable symphony. I am a custodial parent, a non-custodial parent, and a step-parent. The main theme of our family centers around Jon Steven because we are still focused on his day-to-day nurture and upbringing. But the family has an ebb and flow, a soaring and ebbing of themes reminiscent of great music. Stephanie spends the summers with us and her music fills the air. Matt and Jared will be spending time with us at Christmas and their melodies will be variations on their own distinctive tunes. Matt’s theme recently played fortissimo as he became the father of a beautiful baby girl. And so on.

And we have sour notes now and then. Life is not a digital recording with all the wrong notes recorded over. It is a live performance. Blended families are definitely a challenge. Three years ago, before John and I began dating, we both happened to attend the Christmas potluck and tree trimming party in Bard Hall. Jon Steven was reluctant to attend and was not putting his best foot forward. Yet John seemed genuinely interested in talking and getting to know Jon Steven. After all the men I had met as a single mother who made the sign of the cross when they learned I had a 10-year-old son, John had my attention. I later learned he was alone that Christmas and was missing his own sons very much that night. Even after John and I had begun to date and were moving toward a serious commitment to one another, there were hard times. It was hard for Jon Steven to understand the changes that were taking place in our family as we moved from being a single–parent family to being a blended family. In tears one day, he said he was taking care of me the best he could, and that we didn’t need John. As we all struggled, I wondered for a while if I would have to choose between John and Jon Steven. Thankfully, John’s clarity of vision and gentle persistence combined with Jon Steven’s youthful resilience enabled us to get past those times and forge a new and nurturing family unit. Thanks, guys.
- Janet Bowermaster

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Charlynn D. Johnson and F. Suzanne Moore

A question circulated in the lesbian and gay community asks: “Is it better to be born African-American or to be born homosexual?” The answer is “AfricanAmerican because you don’t have to worry about ‘telling your parents.’ You see I didn’t come to the realization of who I was at birth. At some point, I just came to the realization that I was different, and, when I did, my first thought was not “Gee, I think I’ll run and tell my parents, they’ll be so happy for me.”

Perhaps the most frightening experience for me was coming out to my family—my biological family. My mother, with religious ideology to the right of Pat Buchanan and my father’s American Indian philosophy of acceptance that the creator makes no mistakes—represented both ends of the spectrum.

When I met Suzanne, I knew she was the woman with whom I would want to spend the rest of my life. I cried because I knew my entire family would not rejoice with me that I had found a life partner with whom I would share life’s pains and pleasures. I knew I would have to come out to my parents so that I could be honest about who I am.

Family is an emotional topic for me. The term represents to me a group of people who love me unconditionally—not without challenge perhaps, but always unconditionally. My mother and I love each other unconditionally, and that has helped us come to a mutually respectful space of understanding.

My mother has struggled with a dogma of homosexuals as perverted, hell-bound sinners, and with the knowledge that the daughter she raised turned out to be one of these people. Her religious doctrine had taught her that you can raise heterosexuals by raising them in that lifestyle. Then she found out it wasn’t so. Then she discovered she actually liked Suzanne. She has gone through a lot of changes and redefinitions of what family is in the ten years Suzanne and I have been together.

I, too, have struggled with the concept that my own mother would probably never move beyond tolerance toward acceptance—and there is a big difference. And there is still pain. Acceptance is the reason I formed an intentional family of Suzanne, as well as other lesbian and gay friends, persons of colors, and even heterosexuals! Acceptance is also the reason I found the Unitarian church to be a refreshing breath of acceptance in a difficult and judging world. As lesbian and gay people we dream of a family and community where we are accepted for who we are—a family and community where, if we show affection, there is affirmation not condemnation. This is how I feel about this church—a very welcoming familyand community—my spiritual family. I would like to thank you for being that for me and acknowledging & celebrating my family.

- Charlynn D. Johnson

Over and over I marvel at the expressions of “family” within my life. Trials, triumphs and tribulations are part and parcel of the meaning. In my birth family I was nurtured, taught values of honesty, integrity, hard work, thrift, responsibility, kindness toward animals, and caring for others.

As a gay person—I use gay in the old generic sense to include both gay men and lesbians— I built an Intentional family of close friends who fell into my “inner circle.” Friends with whom I celebrated birthdays, holidays, helped move, offered support in time of trial, turned to for solace, nurtured in both sickness and health.That family has been decimated by AIDS.

When I walked through the doors of this meeting hall last January I did not know that I would find a spiritual family that combines all I have known before in family, and more. I cannot begin to tell you how rewarding it is to be unconditionally accepted as a participating member of this community, this spiritual family, for who I am and not excluded for what I am.

When I introduced my life partner, Charlynn, to my mother, Mom was partially paralyzed and aphasic as a result of stroke. She reached for my hand, drew Charlynn’s hand on top of mine, and covered both our hands with hers giving a squeeze, a pat, a loving smile, and a nod that was a blessing. Charlynn’s love, both for my mother and me, and her strength, helped us through my mother’s decision to end her life through starvation.

The deepest expression of family is, to me, that special bonding in a relationship in which all the preceding lessons and strengths of family are utilized. Anytime one person shares life with another being, and within that life there is love, respect, sharing, laughter, integrity, honesty, and concern for community, a basic and strong family unit is forged. My family unit, the core, the very center of my other expanding circles of family, is Charlynn. We’ve been together ten years and plan a Ceremony of Union here May 22. I would like to invite you, my spiritual family, to join us that day in celebration.
- F. Suzanne Moore

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Patricia & Jorge, Taunya and Lauren Hinojosa

From the outside it may look like we are just your typical family: two parents, one marriage, two kids, a cat in the front yard, great neighbors, etc. What makes us different is the “interracial” title we have been given because my husband is Hispanic and I am white, non-hispanic as I frequently check when filling out forms for school, applying for loans, and so on. Our last name, Hinojosa, is a dead giveaway there is something different about us. And yes, Hinojosa is a Spanish surname, not Japanese as we are sometimes asked.

I look at my family as special, not different. We have some wonderful parents, Bob and Betsy Stevens, church members who have taught us to appreciate ourselves for who we are, not what we are.

I have a husband who will always be my friend and who is there for me. He listens and cares. He knows me better than any white person ever has. I am grateful there is someone in my life to share the ups, but sometimes the downs that come our way. When we were teenagers in love, he was accepted into my parents’ liberal home as any other warm-blooded individual would have been. His color and background were never a topic of discussion. However, when I was a newcomer to his family’s home, questions were raised about why he had brought me into his life. It may have been my color, or it may not have been, but now that I have been part of his family for eighteeen years, I have become just another Hinojosa. There are two happy, healthy kids in our family too. They are considered by many institutions to be interracial and that has had some advantages and disadvantages. When we applied to put Taunya in the city school magnet bilingual program, her father registered her as Hispanic. Shortly before school was to start, I received a call informing us the quota had been filled. However, if we chose to change her ethnicity to “white/non-Hispanic,” she could be a part of the program. She is now registered in the bilingual school. Hopefully, as parents, we have taught our children to appreciate their parents’ cultural differences. Their happiness may be the truest measure of our success.
- Patricia Hinojosa

As a Mexican-American, I’ve rarely thought of myself as being in an interracial marriage. Maybe because on the outside it may not be that obvious. Maybe because I was lucky enough to find a partner whose family was race-blind. Or maybe because my parents knew and experienced prejudice and did what they could do to prepare me for life in the non-Hispanic world. We were a close family, but. sometimes confused by the cultural differences of my parents’ upbringing in Mexico. For my mother the transition wasn’t easy. But, rest assured that after more than forty years in the States and abroad, she feels that her native Veracruz is a nice place to visit, but this is her home.

As an Air Force brat forced to move every few year, I have but one life-long friend. The Gypsy lifestyle made my immediate family very important to me. They were the only real constant in my life. In the sixteen years I spent living on or near a base, my parents exposed us to a diverse cultural world. Most of our weekends were spent together exploring the world outside the base. Dinnertime was perhaps the most important part of our day. It was the time when we all got together and let it all hang out. We talked about everything, sometimes until it was bedtime. That is what the Mexican wok is all about. For me, making dinner is a serious matter. It is usually an exaggerated production, sometimes good, sometimes a catch and release.

Though we may not appear as a culturally mixed family, we are. Today I am still all too quick to find an excuse to take a break and watch the world go by. On the other hand, Patty is always on the go. She gets my vote for superwoman and supermom. Luckily for me, I figured out some time ago that it wasn’t a smart idea to try and keep up with her. So I don’t. We can be quite different, often going in our own directions, yet we always coming back to our home base. Despite the differences, we want the same out of life: a loving family and a happy home.

- Jorge Hinojosa

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Doug Braun and Al Killen

This is my first time, as a gay man, to stand before a congregation in the sanctuary of a church. I can’t help but find irony when I use the word “sanctuary” to mean a place of refuge and protection. For you see, I do not have, as of yet, a belief that the sanctuary of a church is a true place of refuge and protection. Churches, for the most part, have a pretty terrible track record with families like ours. Today is but a tender, fragile beginning to explore the possibility that standing here can mean we are in a place of nurturing and spiritual renewal.

This is my second gay family. My first relationship ended after eight years of partnership. A1 and I have been a couple and a family for over five years. And, like than any other family, we have celebrated births, holidays, and life-giving rituals. We have buried brothers, uncles, cousins, aunts and many, many friends. Due to a brain abscess, we even planned Al’s funeral over dinner one night at the City Deli. Thankfully he lived, but it would have been a great funeral.

Our family does “good party” and the highlight was our Ceremony of Union, on Leap Day last February in the Chapel. A group photo of everyone there sits on the altar today.

I would like to take this moment to pause ...absent words, for everyone in this Meeting House to reflect, that for a few moments this sanctuary, THIS SANCTUARY... has been a place of refuge and protection for another gay, male family... Thank you.
- Doug Braun

How to describe my family? That was the dilemma I faced when Carolyn asked me to be a part of this celebration service with my partner, Doug. What is it that the congregation would want to know about us? And, more significantly, what is it I feel comfortable sharing with a group of people, most of whom I do not know?

I could tell you the facts. I could tell you that we are a gay couple, but hopefully being the perceptive Unitarian Universalists you are, you have already surmised that. I could tell you how we met at a dinner party hosted by two very close friends, Yentas to be sure. I could tell you the facts of how long we have been together-five and a half years, which sometimes feels like yesterday and other times feels like forever. I could tell you the fact that we currently have no children, but plan to in the near future.

I could tell you all of these facts and more, and yet I would have told you nothing, really, about my family.

We are a political statement in some people’s eyes (including our own at times). But to one another we are first and foremost an emotional expression of the power and beauty that love can create.

Being a family can be a difficult road to travel. We have our happiness and pain like all families do. But we also face obstacles that many families do not. We have to defend and protect our very right to be who we are every day of our lives.

I travel this road because I must in order to be true to who I am. While the road can be difficult, the traveling partner I have chosen, and who has chosen me, gives me added strength, determination, humor, and inspiration to keep traveling.

So I return to my dilemma. What to tell you? Which facts to share? How do I describe this complex union of politics and passion, of tenacity and tenderness that is my family? I cannot. The best I can do is continue to live my life with the man I love and trust that is enough to transcend the mere facts.
- Al Killen

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Bonnie Tidd and Tiger Lily, Penrose, and Magnolia
My beautiful animal family was invited to be here today, but I chose to leave them at home. Penrose, my nine-year-old Sheltie, is quite shy and this would be a stressful situation for him. Magnolia, on the other hand, is an ebullient, eleven-month-old Golden Retriever who would be only too eager to get to know each and every one of you. And my cat, Tiger Lily, is a prime candidate for exorcism. The thought of bringing her here is downright frightening!

The wreath, with the red animals, is a symbol of my family. I have shared my life with animals for almost twenty years. Each animal, with its unique personality, has added immeasurable joy, humor, love, and companionship to my days. The dogs and I enjoy our long walks, exploring new paths and making new friends. Together we watch the seasons change and the neighborhood children grow. With them, I take the time to slow down and enjoy those things that would otherwise pass unseen in my busy life. The communication that exists among us is a constant source of pleasure. The animals express their feelings and wishes clearly with their eyes, a paw or head in my lap, or an eager dancing around in anticipation of a favorite game or activity. I believe that our finest and favorite time for communicating, however, is during grooming. All of the animals, including Tiger Lily, love to be combed and brushed. In fact, they push and shove to be first in line for this attention! While they are being spruced up, we talk about how much we love each other, and what good lives we have together. This is very satisfying to all of us.

I take great pride in the care I give to my animals. A lot of my time and concern is devoted to them, from providing for their daily needs to planning vacations for a time that they can receive optimal care. As I do these things, I know the animals give even more to me that I give to them.
- Bonnie Tidd

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Douglas, Diane, and Adam Gage

The word “family” customarily invokes either one’s immediate family, in my case the nuclear family consisting of me-the-father, Diane-the-mother, Adam-the-kid, one hamster, three snakes, and eleven goldfish... or one’s extended family: Diane’s and my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins of various degrees and removes. As the symbol of our nuclear family, we have brought a homemade pizza: a single crust supporting the different toppings we each love best. And as a symbol of our extended family, a copy of the cookbook I compiled of our family’s favorite recipes.

As an amateur genealogist, however, I feel the word “family” invokes my family tree, and I want to say a few words about what investigating my genealogy has taught me. A lot of genealogy focuses on depth, tracing relationship to famous folk in the distant past, and I have had some fun doing this. But instead of depth, let’s look at genealogical breadth. We each have four grandparents, and eight great-grands, and so forth. My old New England roots come through my paternal grandmother, but further back on my paternal line I have several generations of Quakers. And my mother’s side is all German, from the petty nobility of von Pfitz to the Mocks and Rosenthals, German Jews from Wuerttemburg. They helped found both the garment industry of Rochester, New York, and Temple Berith Kodesh, a hotbed of Reform Judaism in the later 1800s. In 1893, the marriage of Blanche Mock to Frederick Schang was performed by Rabbi Max Landsberg, but the Schangs, after moving to New York City, attended All Souls Unitarian Church.

Now, the point of all this (and I mention parenthetically that, as you have already figured out, while there’s nothing quite so interesting as one’s own genealogy, there is nothing quite so boring as someone else’s) is to project this geometric mathematics into the future, to recognize that the great diverse collection of humanity around us constitutes not only our current fellow travelers on the planet of today, but also our own great-great-grandchildren’s other great-great-grandparents. It’s not just a metaphor. We are ALL family.
- Doug Gage

Family to me means work work work and more work. Give give give give give and then give some more. Pick up, look after, go for, find, remember, take care of, buy, sell, wipe up, fold, wash, take out, bring in, fix, stir, pour, carry, carry, carry, call, call, call, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I am a waiter. I am a servant.

The root word for family is the Latin word “famulus”, which means servant. Not slave; servant. (This is my aspiration!) So to be in a family, and we were all born into families, whatever their circumstances and attitudes, is to be a servant: a servant OF servants, and a servant SERVED BY servants. Parents serve children, children serve parents, partners serve partners, humans serve animals, animals serve humans. Sometimes, when the system is in harmonious balance, and each servant is free and full of her or himself, it feels marvelous. At the best of times, the servants in a family all treat themselves and each other like royalty. Then it’s the heaven of the long-handled spoons where the guests at the table all feed one another. At the worst of times ...well, everyone knows what that’s like.

Now, if everyone of family born, and that’s all of us, is a servant, then who, or what, is master? There is mystery at the heart of our servitude.

I read somewhere that there’s no such thing as “the dark night of the soul”. There’s only the dark night of the ego. Families provide plenty of that sort of darkness, which is the fertile ground of soul-making. I serve all, yet all serve me. It’s the ongoing riddle family poses to the ego and the soul, and I don’t think there’s any kind of static solution to be crafted or found.

I read somewhere else (in the Hints from Heloise Department?) that it helps to hold hands with your partner, your fellow servant, when you’re hashing out profound disagreements and dissatisfactions. Sometimes it seems to work for us. I think our hands have longer memories of affection than our heads do.
- Diane B. Gage

“We honor and bless this family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

Sunday Service December 13, 1998 9 and 11 A.M

CENTERING THOUGHT
The family is the building block to whatever solidarity there is in society
- Jill Rickelshaus

AFFIRMING COMMUNITY

SOUNDING the BELL, LIGHTING the CHALICE

LIGHTING of the ADVENT WREATH

** INTROIT “In Evangelium” - Hildegarde von Bingen
First Unitarian Universalist Choir, Daniel Ratelle, Director

VOLUNTARY ~ Minuet No. 3 - J. S. Bach
Philip Staudigel, cello “ O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” - arr. Charles Callahan Kenneth Herman, Director of Music/Organist

§ CHURCH HYMN and ASPIRATION (printed in front of hymnal)

WELCOME and ANNOUNCEMENTS
Tom Owen-Towle, Parish Minister

CHILDREN’S AFFIRMATION
Liz Jones, Director of Religious Education

CALL to WORSHIP (in unison) #431

§ GATHERING SONG “Here We Have Gathered” #360

PROCLAIMING HOPE

RESPONSIVE READING #515
(Following this the children leave for their classes)

OFFERTORY “On This Day Everywhere” #249 - Robert Hobby
WHOLLY FAMILY CELEBRATION
Introduction.Carolyn Owen-Towle, Parish Minister
Family: Scott and Leslie GrantSmith, Thea, and Amanda

Blessing: “We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning,
beauty, and uniqueness.”

Family: Gina Molise, and Iieana
Blessing: “We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness."

MUSIC * Concerto in G Minor. First Movement - Antonio Vivaldi
Daniel Staudigel, violin, Lisa Tauxe, continuo viola

** “A Child Is Born” - Nick Page

Family: Ed and Avon Hieshetter, and Chris

Blessing: “We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

Family: Dennice Rousey and Mary Day Dewart

Blessing: “We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

RETURNING TO THE SERVICE OF LIFE

§ CLOSING HYMN “We Laugh, We Cry” #354

§ BENEDICTION (in unison) - C. Owen-Towle

As we go from this place
May we hold fresh in our hearts
The boundless diversity of families
with sensitivity may we reach out to one another,
Affirming, enjoying, including, appreciating.
Our lives grow wider, expanded by our understandings or what it means to be related.

POSTLUDE: “Puer Natus in Bethlehem” - J. S. Bach

SHARING FELLOWSHIP

§ Please stand as your spirit and physical abilities allow •
at 9 A.M. service only *` at 11 A.M. service only It is appropriate to light candles before the start of the service.
The church provides professional child care for infants and very young children during the service.

A Celebration of Wholly Family
by Rev. Carolyn Owen-Towle
December 13, 1998
First Unitarian Church of San Diego

Introduction

Little did we know when we began celebrating our wholly families that it would continue on for nine years. It has become a beloved tradition in our congregation. But neither is it so surprising, for don’t you think of yourself as part of some family? Perhaps it is not a family as people traditionally think. Maybe it is the larger family of the church or of humankind. We are all part of one another and all that is.

The word “family” or “clan” is a way to define the central unit of our society. The family is where we long to be at home. It is where people know our many names, where somebody can tell our story and to what we aspire. It is the place where we can count on sharing whatever is on the table; where we are not left out or excluded; where others will laugh at our jokes; where we are not threatened by little deaths. Family is supposed to be a place of safety. It is supposed to be a place where we can offer comfort and be comforted, forgiven, challenged, loved, thought about, hoped for. Family is the center to which we return day in, day out, deservedly or undeservedly.

With family we are usually the most ourselves, without artifice. As each of us knows, that can be a blessing or a curse! We can tell secrets, act silly, be sad or happy, cry, play, make love, eat, and do all the dearest deep-down things with those of our clan.

Families of origin are not always the families in which we feel most at home. We come from them yet go out into the world to form families of our own. Sometimes we fail, and try again. In a lifetime we may become part of several different kinds of families.

Now we know intellectually that there are varieties of families, but it is difficult in this society to escape the “traditional” image of family as being a man, a woman, and two kids. Clearly, our imaginations need stretching here, for while this congregation has a number of these so-called traditional families, at the same time fully half of our members are single. Many, in fact, are single parents.

We are living through a period of historic change in American life. The family as we know it, or thought we knew it, does not exist. American families of a very diverse composition have evolved, and they create their own values and traditions. Such families are increasingly defined by commitment, by a covenantal promise, rather than by legal structures.

As people of a religious community, you and I have the responsibility, and what an extraordinary privilege it is, to acknowledge and affirm one another’s lives at their centers. As we get to know one another, our differences become doors opening to friendship and respect.

Lifting up but a few of the family units in our congregation this morning, let us begin to appreciate our great diversity. Every family is a sacred circle, intersected by many other circles including that of this beloved community. Every family, formed with love, and will, deserves support, nurture, and respect.

Our families have chosen a symbol to represent them, which they will describe. These are arranged here on our family altar. Do come forward after the service to get a better look.

Each family has brought with them a special candle. Following their sharing, they will light their candle from the community chalice while we, the congregation, give them the blessing that you see written in the order of service, by their names. Let our celebration of wholly family begin.

FAMILY: Scott and Lesley GrantSmith, Thea, and Amanda

Good morning. I’m Scott GrantSmith. I love my whole family. That means Amanda, Thea, and Leslie, of course, as well as my mother and father, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, who, I wish, could all be with us, today. I also like them. I enjoy visiting with them and grab every chance to do so.

I am the oldest of five children. Growing up, we had our share of squabbles and petty bickering. For example, do we open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? As we left the nest, we spread throughout the country and around the world.my youngest sister lives in Nairobi, Kenya. As we moved apart, though, we also grew closer. We are very different people but our differences are not divisive chasms but interesting diversity. As a parent, I hope that Thea and Amanda will grow as close as my siblings and I have.

I was the homebody, the one who stayed in San Diego County, so we are fortunate that we live close to my parents. Not only do we see them pretty regularly, we also get to enjoy the visits of my brothers and sisters as they come to share their families with our parents every year.

I also love and enjoy the company of Leslie’s parents, sister, aunts, uncle, and cousins. Leslie’s experiences and feelings about our two families mirror my own. When Leslie and I decided to marry, we did so not just because we loved each other, and not just because we wanted to start a family of our own, but because we wanted to extend through time the families that we grew up in.

We’ve put our own twist on things, of course. We chose and prepared for the natural birth of our two daughters. We practice “attachment parenting” which we’ve come to call “full-contact parenting.” Leslie nursed our kids to its natural conclusion. For several years we all slept in the same room and, yes, in the same bed, until they were just too big to fit anymore, though Amanda still manages to sneak in without us noticing, occasionally. We are home schooling Thea and Amanda. And we open our gifts on Solstice morning, though I’m still pushing for Solstice Eve.

Occasionally, family and friends question some of our choices. We understand that they do so out of care and concern for us and for Thea and Amanda. Even so, we’ve gotten nothing but positive support. 1 am proud of my family and grateful to be a part of it. I love my whole family!
- Scott GrantSmith

Good morning. I’m Leslie GrantSmith. I’m up here with my spouse, Scott, and my children, Thea and Amanda. In addition to extending our families through time, as Scott mentioned, we also have the impulse to extend our family connections outwards. For Scott and myself, family includes more than the people we were born among, who we marry, and the children we raise. We have found friends for whom our feelings have grown so deep that it feels right to call them “brother” or “sister.”
Many people have not been as lucky in their families as Scott and I have, so the words “brother” or “sister” might call up feelings that are distancing, even painful. But I hope everyone here has had the good fortune of having at least one deep, committed friendship' someone whom you wish had been your brother or sister. We associate the term “blood brother” with a ritual that binds two friends together as siblings. We have experienced events, which, in retrospect, resonate with that concept. For instance, toward my friends, who attended the births of my children, I now feel the same connection I have to my sister and my brother.
These people form an interwoven web of sustenance, one where shared joys and shared obligations flow easily for the most part. Though, of course, like with “real” brothers and sisters, we all have our moments. And then, Scott and I can trust these siblings to care and to try their best to understand us, which believe me, can be tough sometimes. The members of this family are Mark, Tiffany, Joy, and Torre Monticino; Everardo Aguilar and Brian Colt; Jim Faris; Dan, Sharon, Erin, and Devin Ratelle; Diane, Matt, and Jeanette Lowrie; and Amanda, Thea, Scott, and myself. There is a picture of us on the altar.

Now, some of these people know me better than others — whether they want to or not — and there are some I need to corner over a cup of coffee. But all of us together are creating new traditions; celebrations of the seasons of our lives. We rejoice in and honor each unique individual family member and the treasures only they can offer us.

This family, along with the family of my birth and the family I married into, adds depth and delight to my life, providing for me a network of support along with stimulating challenges. Each and every one of them is a gift, and for those gifts I am truly grateful.
-Leslie GrantSmith

“We honor and bless your family in its love,
meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Gina Molise and Eleana

As a single mother by choice, I’ve intentionally created a different sort of family. Eleana and 1 love belonging to one another. We love roughhousing in bed, telling stories, working in the kitchen together, and especially reading books. My greatest pleasures as a Mom are sharing with my daughter the things I enjoyed as a child, like reading, and bringing her into the circle of love within our family.

Our family has several layers. We are blessed to have a pretty functional and loving extended family that I was born into. It took effort to get past some childhood resentments, but my two brothers, my sister, and I really appreciate one another now and cherish our family bond. We’re best of friends. My two brothers each have a daughter the same age as my daughter, and we are teaching our little girls that cousinhood is something very special. My Mom and Dad have always been supportive parents, but they have blossomed into devoted, adoring, almost gaga grandparents since the three little girls came into the family. Unfortunately, all these terrific people live hundreds of miles away, in four different states. So Fleana and I have created a different kind of family here in San Diego.

We have what I would call a “home family” with Mary and Allen, the people we live with. Mary has been a dear friend for many years. She lived with me in my home while I was pregnant, and she took care of me, cooking me healthy meals, and admiring my expanding belly. After Eleana was born, Mary was ready to move in with Allen, her significant other. But by then she was completely bonded to my sweet little baby, and she wanted to help me through the difficult first months of single parenthood. She insisted that Allen make room in his house for us. He did, and so here we are all together, almost four years later. This arrangement made it financially possible for me to stay at home with Eleana for a year and a half, and then to go back to work on a part-time basis. Now I won’t say that Mary and Allen saved my sanity during my first year as a parent, but I must confess that I really, really looked forward to their return home from work every night.

Sometimes when I tell people that Eleana and I live with two adults who aren’t related to us, 1 get funny, almost suspicious looks. Our culture clings to the ideal of the rugged individualist, and a household like ours just doesn’t fit this ideal. But I say that we are a really traditional family, a throwback to the past, when children and adults of all ages lived together and helped one another. That’s what we do. When one of us gets sick, has car trouble, feels crabby after a frustrating day at work, there are two other adults there to help, and a preschooler ready to entertain us. Our home-life isn’t perfect, but whose is?

Another member of our chosen family doesn’t live with us, but he’s woven into our lives. My long-time friend Dave, who is here this morning, has real insight into kids and has been a great help to me. We call him Uncle David, because that’s the kind of relationship he has with Eleana. He’s a part of every family celebration, and when I need child care for a special occasion, Uncle David often volunteers. Almost once a week while I am at work he takes Eleana to a museum, or the park, or to some other exciting place. Their time together has enriched Eleana’s life, and has made single parenting a little easier for me. It’s humbling to admit that a bachelor has given me some good parenting advice, but it’s the truth. Every kid, and every parent, should be lucky enough to have an Uncle David in the family.

Now that Eleana is four, the holiday season has taken on a new meaning for us. We are adapting some family traditions I grew up with, and creating new ones. This time of year really affirms my concept of my multi-layered family. Some things we do just for the two of us, like our little Christmas chalice that we brought today. We light it every night in December, and spend special time together before bedtime. We wouldn’t miss going to “Christmas at the Prado” with Uncle David every year. At home we decorate our family Christmas, combining the decorations that Allen, Mary, and I collected individually. And we always spend a few days of the holiday with at least part of our far-flung Molise family.

Growing up, I always assumed I’d have a traditional family of my own?you know, the husband and a couple of kids. But life is full of surprises, and I’m proud of the family I have chosen to create. We love and support one another, and we share life’s joys and pains. And in my mind, that’s what family life is all about.

-Gina Molise

“We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning, beauty and uniqueness.”

FAMILY: Ed and Avon Hieshetter and Chris

Good morning. My name is Ed Hieshetter. I look forward to the day when families such as the ones before you today are not considered unusual. Shakespeare wrote in his play “The Merchant of Venice” a line, part of which is known to all of us. That part is “Love is blind.” The entire line reads, “But love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit.” Well, we could update that to a 90s version which would read, “But love is color-blind...” and so forth.

Humor in our family has been one of our family traditions and one of the saving strengths that has kept us together. Chris and I tell the jokes and Avon laughs at all of them!

I would not be honest with you about our lives together if I did not touch on a tragedy we faced together that, statistically, causes eighty-to-ninety percent of marriages to fail. We passed our fifth anniversary last June, but three weeks short of our first anniversary, Bridget, Avon’s twenty-four-year-old daughter, had her life taken at the hands of someone else. Losing your only daughter is bad enough, but then, just ten days after our first anniversary, Avon’s other child, Tony, her twenty-year-old son, was also taken from us by someone else’s actions.

We spent the next twenty-two months in the criminal justice system--what a way to spend the second and third years of your marriage. Bridget brought Chris into the world?God brought Chris to us, and we are blessed to have him as our son. We both are determined to keep our family together, keep our love growing, and move on in life.

The development of our family traditions has been on hold for a while, but we are back on track now. For example, Avon eats chitlins every New Year’s Day in keeping with her family’s customs. Stinks up the whole house! Even the termites leave. Then, without warning, the German in me craves Limburger cheese. Avon claims it stinks up the whole house. Absolute nonsense! She goes around muttering something about the strange food tastes of white folks!

We put up two trees and the ornaments for one are storybook and cartoon characters, and the other is decorated with ornaments from around the world. We call that the international tree. My holiday traditions surround Halloween and Thanksgiving. We are also starting to celebrate Kwanzaa. We overlook the prejudice we have faced, yes, even in the 90s, such as no service, slow service, stares, pointing, and so on. We just choose to ignore it. We deeply love each other and wait for a time when such behaviors will disappear.

-Ed Hieshetter

In our neighborhood I am known for decorating our foyer with mannequins and other scary stuff and believe me, the kids jump when I open the door. On Thanksgiving, the whole house looks like fall, and, I cook a large meal for “my guys.” Ed has had a lifetime tradition of volunteer work in the community and currently serves as Chairman of the Board of his professional association

For years as a single working mom, I didn’t have the time or money for such activities. Now that is different and I have been trained as a Domestic Violence and Rape Intervention Counselor and do volunteer work through the organization Center for Community Solutions. I look forward to expanding my volunteer efforts in other areas, which will be the developing part of my personal traditions.

As a family, our ability to develop traditions will grow stronger over time. One tradition we have now is collecting objects of art. We brought one to share with you today that represents our family as we see it. We have collected a number of Shona sculptures from the Shona peoples of Africa. This one is titled “The Dancing Family.” We hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

-Avon Hieshetter

“We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.

FAMILY: Dennice Rousey and Mary Day Dewart

I love the holiday season. As a child growing up in an unstable family, I got some sense of stability and consistency from the holidays. It was my grandparents who provided this stability by giving me holidays steeped in traditions. During this time of year, I knew I would see my grandparents several times in a month’s span. Because of these beginnings, this time of year has become my favorite time of year.

I believe it is from my childhood years that I learned to cling to the traditions created by my family. For instance, at Christmastime my grandmother would make homemade See’s fudge. She was quite proud of herself for getting this recipe, and it wasn’t until the last couple of years of her life that she passed the recipe on to me. Needless to say, it is with great love and honor that I carry on the tradition of making homemade See’s fudge during the holiday season.

One of the incredible gifts I have received in creating a family with Mary Day is that we get to make our own family traditions, too, building them as we go. I am somewhat of a Christmas-aholic. I build Christmas lawn ornaments for the front yard and when it comes to the outside lights, well, more is better. I also have the tradition of a Christmas village display inside the house that is getting quite large. At this time it covers two dining room tables. My mom and I spend many hours talking about, shopping for, and planning this display.

I know that families, as well as traditions, can grow and change. It is in this spirit that I try and treat Mary Day with all the love and kindness 1 can, as if there was no tomorrow. And in doing so, I believe 1 am setting up the groundwork for our family in the future.

-Dennice Rousey

Family issues, what a battle. My family is big AND my family is small. The big family doesn’t share much of my life, their doings or mine, and the small family is loving, intimate, full, and knows all.

My wanting to have happier and healthier relationships with myself, with others, with God, and with someone special, changed my family life. Learning who I am, what I feel, what my voice sounds like, and trusting all of these, broke me out of my long-standing familial roles. I am no longer only the “responsible daughter” or the “obliging sister” and have landed in an accepting, loving, nurturing, and intimate relationship with Dennice, my small family.

The good news is that I’m more me than I’ve ever been. The bad news is that my big family doesn’t quite know what to do about that. Thus, my battle.

I do love my mother, father, Fred, brothers, and sisters. And yet the continual opportunities I share with many of them tire and frustrate me. Particularly between September and December when I often bump my head against the familial wall of all the birthday celebrations and holiday festivities. I try to get beyond this by looking at my part in these relationships, taking action to spare my heart from further scarring, looking to others whom I trust for help, and not giving up on reaching out in ways that are safe and true. This balance is precarious and the practice is sometimes difficult.

Back to the good news. My small family, Dennice and me, offers me the opportunity to stretch and grow further or just curl up and relax. What is most precious is the faith we practice in our individual paths?except when she’s driving my car?our shared love, and our relationships with the God of our understanding. I love the strength we find in compassion and acceptance, the way we crack each other up, the joy we find in working in the yard, sitting at the dining-room table playing games, or just sharing our home with friends.
With my small family, we found you. I feel welcomed, affirmed, moved to be a better person, and you make me cry. Dennice will tell you this is not something I do often. I am moved to tears not only during the service, but sometimes just when I come in, find my seat, and look over the order of Service. The first three or four times we came here we left wiping away tears and shaking our heads wondering how you already knew who we were. Now I look at that as God giving me an easy and obvious lesson. We are meant to be here.
Thanks for all you have shared with us and for letting us be a part of your service today.

-Mary Day Dewart

“We honor and bless your family in its love, meaning, beauty, and uniqueness.”