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The Family Way
This workshop is designed to guide whole families in thinking about "being family," a phenomenon that we all too often take for granted. Participants will reflect on how their own family was formed and what some of its unique characteristics are; will look at some common family problems, and consider how those problems may relate to their own situations; will envision their own family functioning in an ideal way and affirm their potential to grow toward that vision; and, will celebrate the good things of family life.
The Family Way is a three session workshop with each session planned for ninety minutes. In a local church this workshop might run for three Sunday afternoons or evenings, perhaps with a potluck lunch or supper before or after. Or, it might be scheduled as a whole Saturday program with one session in the morning and two in the afternoon, separated by a stretch of free time.
To be most effective, whole family units should be involved. Although children younger than five or six cannot participate fully in some of the planned activities, their presence still is an important element. An area should be provided with art materials and quiet toys for their enjoyment when they are not actively involved in what the rest of the group is doing.
Session I -- 90 minutes
Gathering activity (10 min.)
Introduction of Families (15 min.)
Introduction to Program: Defining "Family" (10 min.)
Activities: Drawing own homes and placing family members in then (20 min.)
Creating family books (30 min.)
Closing Circle (5 min.)
objectives
- to begin to know one another, as individuals and as families, and to feel comfortable in the group.
- to understand some of the functions served by family units, and to understand that there are many kinds of families.
- to recognize the uniqueness of each family unit,
and to reflect on the individuals and
relationships which, through time, have
formed each family as it is today
Supplies
- large soft ball
- slips of paper -- may be simple white slips, or may be colored, or shaped in creative ways
- pencils
- bulletin board with paper doll cutouts of family clusters as described in the narrative -- cover each family with a simple construction paper house to be removed as the family is described
- newsprint
- markers
- crayons
- 9 x 12" pieces of colored poster board
- 9 x 12" white paper
- metal fasteners
- three-hole punch
As people arrive, give each one a slip of paper and ask them to complete the phrase "A family is . . ." Tape or tack these in a prominent place in the meeting room. Parents or older siblings can do the writing for the younger children, or they may draw pictures In response to the phrase.
Gathering activity (10 min.)
Sitting on the floor in a circle, everyone says their name
and one word or phrase that describes something about him or
herself (such as, Bill - tennis player; Janice - animal
lover; Martin - sunburned; Sandy - quilter; Jessie - Girl
Scout). Then a large ball is rolled across the circle, with
the roller calling out first his or her own name and
descriptive word, and then the name and word of the person to
whom the ball is sent; that person rolls the ball again,
calling out his or her own name and word and those of the
person to whom the ball is sent. Continue in this way until
everyone has received and sent the ball at least once.
Prompting is permissible, even encouraged, at times.
Introduction of Families (15 min.)
Each family in advance will have been asked to think about a unique family word, or story, or place (see sample introductory letter), and will have the opportunity at this time to share it as a way of introducing their family.
The leader might begin by saying, "We have gathered to think about our families, to tell stories, to think about problems, and to celebrate all the good things that we do for one another in our families. There are lots of ways in which families are alike, but no two families are ever exactly the same, and we are going to begin by finding out how each of our families is unique, by looking at some special things about our own families that are absolutely distinct.
"Each family has a whole special set of memories and experiences that are not shared by any other family at all. Sometimes those memories may be tied to a particular place, or may be captured in a story that is told and re-told. Sometimes a unique word emerges that means something very special to our own family, but would be totally meaningless to anyone else. In our family the word (or place or story) we would like to share with you is...
"Tell us about your special family word, or story, or place."
Defining and Describing Families (10 min.)
"All over the world people live in family groups, to be close to one another, to love one another, to help one another, and to play together. There are lots of different kinds of families -- in other countries, and here in our own neighborhoods. Let's look at some of the kinds of families that live on this street." Use bulletin board as described in "supplies" section.
"In the first house live Mr. and Mrs. Hastings and their brand new baby John. Tiny new babies need the very most care of all, and Mr. and Mrs. Hastings are kept very busy indeed. But their baby gives them so much happiness that they really don't mind all the work they have to do.
"Next door live Mrs. French, her daughter Carol, and her granddaughter Patsy. As you can see, there are no men in this house. That is because Mrs. French's husband died recently, and because Carol is divorced from her husband. While Carol is at work, her mother takes care of Patsy. They are lucky to have Mrs. French to help them, and she is lucky to have their love and company too. If Carol marries again, Patsy will have a stepfather.
"In the next house live Mr. and Mrs. Cooper and their six children. With such a large family everyone really has to help. The older children look after the younger ones, and everyone has to help with all the household chores.
"In this house live Janet and Arthur O'Rourke, and Arthur's father William. William's wife died many years ago and for a while he lived alone, but he has been quite sick and cannot live alone any longer, so Janet and Arthur care for him in their home. This is a family with three adults and no children.
"This is another family with no children. This is Harold Linden and Eric Berstrom, two men who love one another and who have chosen to live together, care for one another and be a family.
"This is the Lopez-Johnson family. Maria Lopez and Douglas Johnson have twin girls, Diana and Carmela, and a teenage son Tony, who is Maria's son from her first marriage. Although Tony lives most of the time in this house, he also has a room of his own in his father's house nearby, and he spends many weekends and vacations there.
"And, in the last house live four members of the Roberts family. There are Mr. and Mrs. Roberts and their children Linda and Jeffrey. Linda and Jeffrey were adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Roberts when they were babies. They have grown up together, and although they are not biologically related to their parents, they are very much a family. Just as in any other family, the four Robertses love and help each other every day.
"These families, and your families too, really stretch far beyond these houses and the people who live in them. There are aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents who may live next door, or far, far away. Their love and their help are important too."
Spend a few minutes adding, moving and removing paper dolls to show ways in which these families might change: through death, divorce, births, adoptions, etc. The children, and adults too, will enjoy suggesting changes. Then conclude by saying,
"Every person in every family helps to make that family what it is. If you take even one family member away, the nature of the family changes, and it has to become a new kind of family."
Drawing homes (20 min.)
Distribute markers and newsprint to each family."We have begun to know something about each of the families here, and now we'll have a chance to find out a little more. Let's have each family draw a floor plan of their house, showing all the rooms and areas. Then think about what might be the favorite place in the house for each member of your family, and draw a picture of each person in their favorite place."
Allow about 15 minutes for this project, then gather the group and have each family briefly explain who each of the people are and what they have chosen as their favorite places in the drawings.
Creating Family Books (30 min.)
Creating family books that tell the story of each family's formation: parents meeting, courtship stories, wedding, home(s), arrival of each baby, growth, beginning school, special events, parties, memories, etc.
For book-making have available a supply of 9 x 12" white paper, crayons, markers, colored poster board for covers, three hole punch, and metal fasteners.
Families will have been asked to bring with them ten or twelve photographs of significant events in the formation and growth of their own family. Additional pictures might have to be drawn to flesh out the story.
The title of the book might be "The Story of the Smith Family," and it might begin, "Once upon a time John and Mary fell in love...," or whatever variation is appropriate for the particular family.
Although each family may approach this project in their own way, the leader might suggest that parents write the story and children do the illustrating. Children might not be familiar with early events, of course, so the parents' primary role would be as story teller, describing how they met, what their first home looked like, etc., and, perhaps as captioners, writing brief descriptions to accompany each picture drawn.
Homework Assignment
"Between now and the next meeting of this group, find a time to work together as a family making a list of your family rules. Choose someone to be the, recorder and to write down everything that any member of the family considers to be a rule. Then, discuss each of these to determine if it is, in fact, a family rule. Don't get sidetracked by discussions of whether or not the rules are reasonable, or whether they are obeyed. You're not trying to 'catch' anybody. You're just making a list."
Closing (5 min.)
Story -- "Hugs and Whirls," by Liz Aurbach
"One day I spoke gruffly to the Daughter. 'If you don't watch it, Young Lady, I'm going to pick you up and whirl you around and hug you and kiss you.'
"Her eyes narrowed. Gravely she said, 'I'm not 'watching it, Mom.'
"I solemnly filled my arms with Daughter, spun 'round and 'round, and then kissed my bundle till we both were giggling.
"I know this was a good thing, one of the many, quick, marvelous moments between parent and child. It might have been fleeting, but she wanted to do it again and again, then call her Dad to tell him.
"She's practiced this trick on her puppies, the plush one and the terrier. They love being loved, too.
"I repeat it just often enough with the Daughter to keep the chuckle fresh. I like it especially when she comes and finds me, peeling carrots or sitting at the typewriter, and holding back a smile, says, 'I'm not watching it, Mom.'
"Already the Daughter is 38 pounds. I won't always be able to scoop her up and whirl her around. But when I make wishes, one of mine is that 'being whirled' will be one or her childhood memories."
We are engaged in making memories, and in making families every day. Let's make those memories and those families a source of celebration!
Session II -- 90 minutes
Gathering Activity (5 min.)
Discussion of Family Rules (15 min.)
Story (10 min.)
Activities: Communication games and exercises (30 min.)
Reflection on communication issues (20 min.)
Closing Circle (10 min.)
Objectives
- to discover that many family problems are shared by other families
- to consider Issues of communication and family rules as central sources of family problems
- to affirm hope and commitment toward change in one's family patterns
Supplies
- handouts on family rules
- packets of objects for communication game -- one for each participant
- story "Something Happened at School," MS magazine, September 1975
Gathering Activity: Values Voting List (5 min.)
As you read the following list of questions, people vote to answer 'yes' by standing, remain sitting to vote 'no.' It is not appropriate to challenge or to comment on individual votes. They are to be accepted at face value. It is appropriate, however, to note trends of the group as a whole.
How many of you...
are here at Ferry Beach with your whole family?
are staying in the campground?
go walking on the beach before breakfast?
have found a sand dollar?
are at Ferry Beach for the first time?
like the house you live in at home?
have your own room?
clean your own room?
have three generations living in your house?
are adopted?
are only children?
would like to be an only child?
are the oldest child in the family?
are the youngest child in the family?
eat breakfast with your whole family?
cook your own breakfast?
play games with your family?
cheat?
would like to have a larger family?
never argue with anyone in your family?
sometimes get angry at your parents, or at your children?
have rules in your family about ways to behave?
are happy about those rules?
are part of a family?
Discussion of Family Rules (15 min.)
Without pressuring anyone to share if they choose not to, facilitate a general discussion of family rules, asking questions such as the following:
- Did you find that the rules are pretty clear in your family, or is there some confusion?
- How are the rules made -- by one person, or two, or by everyone?
- Is there a time when rules are reviewed?
- As you worked together on your family rules, did you learn anything new about your family?
If everyone feels comfortable doing so, simply reading aloud each list of family rules is very affirming and supportive.
The leader then might say, "Family rules are one common source of family problems. Another common source of problems is the ways family members communicate with one another."
Story "Something Happened at School" from MS magazine, Sept. '75 (10 min.)
Activities (30 min.)
To consider the importance of non-verbal communications; the importance of expressing feelings, the importance of expressing yourself carefully, and, the importance of listening carefully.
Body Language: Gather the group in a semi-circle and have volunteers pull from a hat slips of paper with specific emotions written on them. Ask them one at a time to express their assigned emotion with their bodies while the group tries to guess what emotion they are portraying. You might include: fear, anger, surprise, guilt, joy, love, loneliness, sadness.
Feeling Words: Stress the importance of communicating feelings, and building the habit of using the phrase, "I feel ..." In the whole group, begin brainstorming a list of 'feeling' words and write on newsprint. Be sure they really are words that express emotions. Once the group develops some momentum with this activity, ask them to break into family groups and assign each a basic emotion (happiness, anger, sadness, fear, love,) and ask them to list on newsprint as many additional words as they can that express different forms and variations of that feeling. Return to whole group to share these lists, and to note the range of feelings that we experience and ways to express those feelings. Encourage the use of these words in daily communications.
Communication game - Participants choose a partner and the two sit back to back on the floor far enough away from other pairs so that there is some open space in front of them. Give each participant a packet of about six different objects (a pine cone, a sea shell, a pebble, etc.; or, perhaps, a pencil, a pair of scissors, a red crayon, a blue crayon, a rubber band etc. - whatever is handy for you). Instruct one of the partners to lay his or her objects in a pattern on the floor and then to describe to the other partner how the objects are arranged. The second partner should try to arrange his or her objects in the same pattern, without asking clarifying question. When the first partner thinks the directions have been fully given, the two turn around to look at the two patterns and see how they did. It is unusual for the first pattern to be copied accurately.
Reflecting on Family Communications (20 min.)
Ask each family group to find a place apart from the others and talk about how their family communicates, referring as appropriate to the exercises you have just done.
Someone in the family should be recorder to keep a list of
the likes and dislikes. Ask that each family member complete
the phrases, "I really like it when you --- "I wish you
would--"
After 10 or 15 minutes, gather the group together again and ask if any families might be willing to share briefly what they have been learning about their communication patterns.
Closing (10 min.)
Gather in a circle with a lighted candle or chalice In the center. The leader might say, "Let's stand quietly for just a minute while each of us thinks about how we might change so that we help to improve the communicating in our families.
Each person should have a small candle and one by one
light their candle from the center one, saying, in
reference to the discussion of communication, "From now on
I will try to..." Sing one verse of "This Little Light
of Mine."
Session III -- 90 minutes
Gathering Circle (10 min.)
Guided Meditation (30 min.)
Activities:
Make Family Gardens (20 min.)
Write Sense Poems (20 min.)
Closing Circle (10 min.)
Objectives
- to envision one's own happy family
- to reflect on what would be necessary to make that vision a reality
- to reflect on and to celebrate the good things about one's family as it is now
Supplies
- pencils
- paper
- half pieces of poster board with family names, and with
stems and leaves drawn in for each family member
cutouts of flower petals and centers from colored
construction paper
- markers
- gluesticks
Gathering Game (10 min.)
Standing in a circle, the leader plays 'It' first to demonstrate the game. 'It' goes to the middle of the circle and, facing a particular player, says 'Do you love me, baby? That player must answer, 'I love you, baby, but I Just can't smile,' of course, trying not to smile as he or she says this. The goal is to make the other player smile, using creative facial expressions, dramatic gestures, tone of voice, etc. If they smile, they then become 'it.'
As the time comes to end the game, the leader might say, "That's one of my favorite games to play, but maybe it's a game we can use in our family life too. If you see some member of your family looking worried or sad or frightened, you might go to that person and say, "Do you love me, baby?" And maybe he or she will answer, "I love you baby, but I just can't smile." Then you could ask, "Why can't you smile today?" And, maybe the other person will tell you how they're feeling and why they're feeling that way. Maybe there will be something you can do to help. Maybe just talking about it will be a help."
Guided meditation (30 min.)
The meditation time might be introduced in this way. "Yesterday we looked at some of the most common sources of problems in family life, the problems of family rules and of ways of communicating. There are lots of other kinds of problems too,.of course, but today we're going to do away with all those problems and concentrate Instead on the good things in our family.
"First, let's imagine away our problems -- but remember, we're only talking now about family-problems, not problems at work or at school, not problems of world hunger, or of environmental pollution, etc. Family problems.
"Imagine that there is standing here a magician with a sparkly blue wand. The magician waves the wand and does away with all the angry words and messy corners and naughty deeds in your family, all the confusions and misunderstandings and guilts and disappointments and broken promises All of then are gone -- all the unfair rules and all the broken rules, all the problems. Now, let's imagine what your family might be like.
"Now I want you to start to imagine. Imagine waking up one morning, feeling fully rested, fresh, happy, looking forward to the day. How would that feel for you? What sounds would you be hearing? What would the light in your room be like? What would you like to smell on this perfect morning? Now choose some favorite clothes to wear, and then imagine having breakfast with your family, a perfect breakfast. Where would this breakfast be? What would you eat? What would you talk about? What special things would the other members of your family say to you?
"Now go with your family to have a wonderful day together. Imagine all the things you would do. Imagine the way people's voices would sound and what you would say to one another. Take a few minutes to enjoy this perfect day - - - (allow a generous stretch of silence)
"Now your day is coming to an end. It's time to say good night to your family. Imagine how you would say good night to one another and how you would feel about one another. You're very, very tired now, and very glad to be going to bed. Imagine how it would feel to lie in your bed after this special day, and to fall asleep.
"Continue to breathe deeply now, but begin to come back to this room, to this time and this place. Very slowly, open your eyes.
"Do you remember the magician with the sparkly blue wand who waved away all your troubles? Do you know who that magician is? It's you and you and you...You can make some big changes in your family's life.
"Now, find a place where you can talk to your own family. Tell each other about your imaginary day, and then talk about what would need to happen in your family to make such a day a reality."
Allow about 15 minutes for these family conversations and then gather the group together for the following activities.
Make Family Gardens (20 min.)
Post a half piece of poster board for
each family, with the family name at the bottom and
a stem with leaves drawn In for each member of the
family. Have available cutout circles and petal
shapes In a ' variety of colors, and ask the family
groups to work together to make a Family Garden. They should create a flower for each person with
the name written on a circle for the center of the flower, to be surrounded by petals on each of which is written some positive characteristic, or something the person does well. Enough petals should be used to make each flower full and attractive, but avoid a sense of competition with comparisons of the numbers of petals for certain flowers. Flowers may be assembled with glue on the posters.
When completed, the group might enjoy touring the gardens.
Write Sense Poems about family (20 min.)
Sense poems are six line poems describing a given topic, with the first line suggesting a color, and the following five lines suggesting an image for each of the five senses. The following example was written by an eight year old:
My family is red like warmth. It sounds like a bunch of laughter. It feels like a lot of sweaters. It looks like four people. It tastes like sweet apples. It smells like pears.
Teach the process of writing such a poem by having the group as a whole compose a sense poem about a neutral topic (Ferry Beach, Thanksgiving, the church). Then ask that each individual take a few moments to compose a sense poem about their own family. If some folks really seem to be struggling with this, give permission for them to omit certain lines, to write only a four or five line poem instead of the complete six lines. After the individual poems are completed, then ask the family groups to compose a group poem about the family, perhaps by taking selected lines from each of the individual poems.
Closing Circle (10 min.)
Stand in a circle around a lighted candle or chalice, or an arrangement of flowers or other natural objects. The leader might say, "We have come to the end of our time together. We have shared and stretched and laughed together. We have worked hard at understanding some things about our families and we know that we have to continue working to make our family life the richest and happiest it can possibly be. Let's celebrate these families." Ask for a representative from ea ch family to read their family poems. Close by singing "Amen." |
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