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The Un-Class
Dear Parent,
I will assume that you are taking a parenting class based in Unitarian Universalist values because you identify yourself as a Unitarian Universalist or feel a strong kinship to us. That identity didn't happen immediately. It takes time to develop. If we are hoping to see a UU identity develop within our children it will take more than one hour on Sunday mornings! Sunday School leaders and curriculum cannot take the place of parental influence. Research has told us that children who are dropped off at a Sunday School where their parents do not attend the church feel little identity or desire to stay connected. On the other hand, we are learning that most of the Unitarian Universalists among us who were raised within this movement had active, involved parents. Children learn best from us, their parents, and these are the things that stay with them long after they may have forgotten a name or a date learned in class.
Much of what they learn from us comes through example. They watch us and learn to do what we do and value what we value. We are their models. I believe that we also need to balance this with explicit verbalization of our motivation, and how we identify ourselves. Our children see us giving money to causes we value; they see us taking part in various social action projects that touch our hearts and they will learn to value similar things in their lives. But will they know that you do these things because of your Unitarian Universalist beliefs and values? Not unless you share that with them. Can they tell by looking around your home that you belong to a religious movement? What in your home tells them that you are a Unitarian Universalist?
This article contains some background information for you as a parent on sharing your identity and beliefs with your children, as well as some ideas for further reading to help educate you as a UU parent. There are also a few activities that you can do together with your children to increase their understanding of how your Unitarian Universalist values exist in your everyday life, as well as some ways you can explicitly display your UUism in your home. I will also be adding some sources for purchasing additional materials if you are interested.
As Rev. Tony Larsen says we need to share our religion with our kids. "Tell your children what you believe and why. And listen to their beliefs." This is the way identity is born. Please contact me if you have question about this material or wish further resources.
Yours faithfully,
Liz Jones
Stories
Stories have been used throughout time and across cultures to help us understand where we come from, who we are, and why we are here. These are the basic religious questions of life -- Who am I? Who am I in relation to you? and Why am I here? Stories have a special way of answering these questions. They tell us how others have dealt with the same questions and issues and give us models and examples for ways to cope and how to live. They present problems to be explored and solved in the abstract so that we can develop an understanding and knowledge that is ours without the danger and risk of experience. They also help us to put our lives in a larger context of history and culture that both gives us perspective and also gives us our heritage.
"But, I can't tell stories," I hear you say. "I can read them, but remember and tell them -- never.'" I used to feel thit way too. It always seemed so formidable. I'd hear storytellers and marvel at how they could so captivate me and a whole audience. And, given what I've already said about the importance of stories, I was overwhelmed. But, let me tell you, you're a story-teller already. When someone asks you, "How was your day?" you answer in a story. When we share about our day at the beach, or our last vacation, we're telling a story. Professional story-tellers do the same thing that you do. They have just practiced their delivery a little more and are intentional about what they are doing. Professionals work hard at what they do. It doesn't come easily. They spend hours and hours memorizing stories and planning facial expressions and gestures. But that's not the type of stoty-telling we're talking about!
We're talking about stories that don't have to be memorized because they are a part of you. You may have experienced the event, or they may be stories that you heard so often as a child that they are a part of who you are. Maybe some of them are a little dusty or filed far back in your memory banks, but given a little looking and inspiration, you'll find them. I'm going to give you a few hints in this article that may spark the start of your story-telling.
Why do we want to bother sharing these stories with our children? Now that they have TV, video games, and wonderfully illustrated children's books to entertain them, why would they want to listen to us? First, children seek to understand who they are and where they fit in just as we adults do. They may not quite understand their quest, or use the same words that we do, but the need is there. This is the reason that they seek peer group approval so strongly, why some children look to join gangs. Telling our stories to them helps them to see that they do belong - to a family, to a tradition, to a cultural heritage, to a religious tradition. It gives them a sense of place and of belonging. History books and family trees don't give them that sense of identity. Our stories do. Hearing about their parents as children. Being able to relate to the same feelings that they had helps them to begin to see that they are part of something beyond themselves. Telling them of special events and family members gives them pride in who they are. Telling of the activities of daily life helps them to identify with the continuing cycles of life. Once that identity is built, then maybe the history and family trees will become important. Secondly, we can tell the stories we want them to hear. We may not always approve of the messages that they receive through the media. By telling your stories, you can let them know what you feel is important, and can balance some of the other messages they may be receiving.
Stories can also be used to develop self-esteem, and to encourage behaviors and character traits. Deborah Shaw Lewis and Gregg Lewis, who wrote the Family Share Together series of books feel that it is important to tell your children stories about when they
were little. They believe that by sharing these stories we can make our children feel proud of themselves. They see themselves as the main characters; or heroes of their own stories; stories
that we consider important enough to retell. They also feel that we can reinforce behaviors that we would like to see continued. [Telling the story of when they shared the toy that they had waited so long to receive; the story of how they made a welcome home sign for their new
baby brother or sister.] There is a potential pitfall to this type of story. It is important that we are aware of the message the story delivers. We may all love the story about when our child slipped and fell in the mud just before an important event. But will that story make our child feel a sense of welcoming and belonging, or will it nuke them feel that they, arc clumsy and as if they can never live down a mistake? Take care in choosing what stories you
tell about your child. Care should also be taken to not provide your child with the meaning of a story. Don't give them the moral. Their quest to make meaning from the stories and
their ownership of their answers makes it become a part of diem. Meaning imposed from the outside is easy to reject.
When to tell a story? There are many opportunities for sharing with our children. We can set aside special times for telling our stories -- bed time, around the camp fire -- or we can grab an opportunity as it arises -- on a trip in the car, over dinner, when an event triggers a memory. Relax and enjoy the time together. The more you tell stories, the more you will begin to remember, and the more comfortable you will become. You will soon see yourself as a storyteller.
Relevant Quotes About Storytelling
"Time is a key element in the telling of stories. When you value an activity, you have to make time for it. But we live in an age when life seem to zip past at a frantic pace. Our days are full, and our time is fragmented, fractured. The demands on our time seem constant. So when do we stop and make the time to reflect about our lives, to ask questions of our parents, to think about how we became who we are? When do we make the time to tell our children what we were like when we were their age? Even people who recognize the value of writing or recording their memoirs tend to put it off -- partly because seems like an intimidating task, partly because other more immediately pressing things interfere. Many people vow to write their memoirs when they retire. But modern retirees are often just as busy and active as they were when they were younger."
"So what is the value of telling family stories? Why does it matter what kind of people our grandparents were, what their lives were like, why our parents chose the professions they did, how they met each other and so on? How does it affect our lives and why should we care about the past? Certainly in terms of making a living, understanding world events, keeping fit, or being concerned about the environment, family stories don't seem to have much to do with our daily lives. But they have everything to do with our sense of identity, our sense of roots, our sense of connectedness."
"The stories of my grandmother's life weren't especially unusual; every family has similar stories. But for me they were the most special stories in the world, because they were the stories of my family. Of course, the times my grandmother told them were ones of warmth and closeness. The details of life long ago, and in a faraway country, fascinated me in almost the same way as faary tales and other bedtime stories. But these weren't fairy tales; they were true stories about real flesh and blood people. And because those real people were my ancestors, they make me feel special and connected. In effect, they laminated me into my own and my family's past, and were an important part of my sense of identity."
"A ring which I wear belonged to a great-grandmother whom I know through these stories; this ring connects me to a courageous, compassionate and independent woman. A set of dishes which my parents bring out on special occasions was brought along when the family had to hurriedly leave Czechoslovakia before World War II. Paintings, photos, embroidered tablecloths all are given meaning and value by the stories that infuse them."
"By storytelling, I mean simply the telling of anecdotes, happenings, the events of a person's life. Storytelling is the basic way we have always communicated with each other, based on memory and language, it is what sets us apart from other animals. Even the youngest child relates the day's adventures in the form of a story."
Vera Rosenbluth says that stories give us a "sense of belonging", a "sense of permanence", and that "families tend to tell those stories that reinforce the values they hold and reinforce the image they have developed of themselves."
Story Starters
The following questions have been drawn together from many of the books and games that are listed among the resources for this week. You may use them to help you think of stories to tell, or you may consider turning them into a game. Cut the questions our and fold them in half Place the slips of paper in a jar or box. Have your child draw one of the questions for you to answer (Remember you only have to put the questions you can or want to answer into the box).
- Describe your favorite childhood toy or
game.
- What nicknames have you had or wished
you had?
- Describe your favorite family celebration.
- Tell about an aroma you recall from
childhood.
- Tell a story about a favorite vacation
experience.
- What were your favorite subjects in
school? Why?
- What is your favorite time of day?
Why?
- Describe one of your best or worst
teachers.
- Tell about a childhood friend.
- What is the first thing that comes to mind
about any one of your grandparents?
- What was your favorite family dinner as a
child?
- What activities besides eating went on at
the kitchen table in the home in which
you grew up?
- Describe one place you lived with your
parents.
- Describe one of the first memories you
have of your father.
- Tell about a religious service or experience
in your childhood.
- Describe one of the first memories you
have of your mother.
- Tell about one of the first things you can
remember as a child.
- Talk about a childhood experience with
swimming.
- Tell about a family tradition that you
enjoy.
- Share a childhood memory about bedtime.
- Talk about a happy school experience.
- Talk about a time when you were locked
out of the house.
- Was there a relative of whom your family
was especially proud? Was there someone
of whom they were not especially proud?
- Tell some of the stories that your
grandparents told you. What were the
circumstances under which you heard
these stories? (Family gatherings, trips to
their homes, on long walks together, etc.)
- Do you remember ever playing a trick on
your brother or sister? Did you ever hurt
their feelings?
- Talk about the pets you had as a child.
- Do you have a piece of furniture or familly
heirloom that belonged to your parent or
grandparents? Does it have a place of
honor in your house? Is there a story that
goes with it?
- Where there any places in the house that
you grew up in that scared you -- like an
attic or basement? Was there a place that
felt especially safe or cozy?
- Did you collect anything as a child?
What? What happened to the collection?
- Did you have an imaginary friend when
you were growing up? Do you remember
its name? How did you picture it; as an
animal or a child? Where your parents
aware?
- How did your parents discipline you?
- Did you ever go to camp? Were you
homesick?
- Did you or anyone in your family play a
musical instrument?
- How did you and your spouse meet?
- Tell your child about the day they were
born.
- Tell about the day you brought them
home for the first time. Who was there?
Did anything special or funny happen?
- Tell about your child's special items when
they were very little. (a blanket, doll, or
favorite book)
- Did your child have a story or song that
they wanted you to tell or sing over and
over?
- Tell about a memorable time your child
disobeyed you.
- Tell about a time you were especially
proud of your child.
- Ask your child what their earliest memory
is. Try to tell the story from your side if
you remember it.
- Tell the story of your child's first day in
school.
- Tell about your child's early experiences
with learning to dress themselves. Did
they have a strong preference for a special
piece of clothes, a style or color?
- Tell about one of your child's early
birthday parties. Who was there? 'What
things happened? Did you play games?
Do you have pictures?
- What do you remember of your child's
first friend? Are they still friends? Have
they moved away? What did they like to
do together?
- Share your remembrances of your child's
early school days. Did they like school?
Tell about a good experience. Tell about a
hard time they had in school.
- What were your child's early interests?
- Tell about something that was hard for
your child to do or learn, but that they
have succeeded in mastering.
- Tell a story about a trip you've taken
together.
- Tell about a time when you had to be
separated from you child. (a business trip,
military Service, etc.)
- Tell about an adventure your child had.
Story Resources
Life Stories
Family Narratives Distributors, Inc.
P.O. Box 27086
Golden Valley, MN 55427
(612) 544-0438
Mom's Canned Ouestions
Mom's Family Preserves
P.O. Box 725
Carlsbad, CA 92018
(619) 438-5449
The Ungame
The Ungame Company
P.O. Box 6382
Anaheim, CA 92806
To Our Children's Children: Preserving Family Histories for Generations to Come
Bob Greene and D.G. Fulford
Doubleday, 1993
"Did I Ever Tell You About When You Were Little?"
Deborah Shaw Lewis & Gregg Lewis
Zondervan Publishing House, 1994
Creative Storytelling
Jack Maguire
McGraw-Hill Book Company, 1985
Keeping Family Stories Alive
Vera Rosenbluth
Hartley & Marks, 1990
Spiritual Discipline
I've become very aware lately of the emphasis being placed on commitment to a spiritual discipline. I've found it in my readings, at conferences, and in workshops. A recent theme speaker at our district RE Family camp at deBenneville Pines, Helen Bishop, spoke to the adults there on finding a way to put a spiritual discipline in our hectic daily lives. While most of this has been focused on adults, not children, I feel that there are benefits that children can derive from beginning such practices. William H. Houff in his book Infinity in Your Hand, says that spiritual disciples, which include a whole army of strategies, focus one's attention and energies upon the innate impulse toward spiritual maturity. He goes on to list a number of possible disciplines -- meditation, prayer, contemplation, mindfulness, yoga, chanting, the Zen arts, T'ai-chi, Sufi dancing, fasting, repetitious rituals, and journal keeping. Meditation or centering is one of these practices that is easily accessible to children, many books have been written with children in mind, can be shared with you their parents, and can easily learned and done at home.
The key elements of beginning such a practice with your children are:
- Do not force them. Make the opportunity a fun and desirable thing to do, not a chore.
- Share the time and activity with them. Whether you are leading them in a guided meditation, or are sitting together counting your breaths it becomes a shared activity and you provide a model of behavior.
- Share with your children the benefits. Let them know that meditation can help calm them, provide a center or balance in their life that they can learn to turn to at any time when they feel agitated or worried and that being able to center has helped many students in school.
- To become a discipline one must stick with something and make it a part of your routine. On-again-off-again, "when one feels like it", does not make for a spiritual discipline. Jumping from one discipline to another does not work either. William Houff calls this being an "experience junkie." If you begin, try to stick with it.
Meditation may not be the spiritual discipline for you or your child. If you do not feel drawn to this, consider another. Check out the ones listed above, or something else that speaks more directly to you. Helping your child find a discipline to make a part of their life may benefit them for years to come.
I'd begun reading Ernest Boyer Jr.'s book, Finding God at Home. - Family Life as Spiritual Discipline, when I was planning this course. The first paragraphs of the introduction really struck a note with me. I find myself focused all day long on my work, and when I am home, I find myself focused on family and chores. How am I to really put a spiritual discipline in my life? Like Boyer, I've always been drawn to some form of spiritual discipline, but have always seemed to lack the "discipline" to stay involved.
Boyer speaks of two ways to a spiritual life. One way is "at the Edge." This is the path of the monk, or hermit, who leaves the daily life behind to devote himself or herself to solitude and prayer. The other in his mind is "at the Center." This is the path lived in the middle of "life." It finds its way not by avoiding the everyday, but through it. While the life of a hermit may seem difficult and hard, finding a spiritual life within the reality of everyday may really be the hardest.
The more I read, the more I realized that one of the ways we can do this as parents may be through "Mindful Parenting." Last week I mentioned Mindfulness as one of the spiritual disciplines. This week I have gatherered a number of parenting ideas from a variety of parenting books and put them together as activities for "Mindful Parenting". In reality most of what is there will be familiar concepts to you. What I'm asking is that we practice incorporating them into our lives in a mindful and intentional way. It is a challenge. There will be many moments when we become distracted or forget, but as with any spiritual discipline, the idea is to quietly bring ourselves back to the practice whenever we feel ourselves wandering. Start small. Begin with a hour or two of really mindful parenting. It is only with practice that the skills develop. If we are diligent, maybe they will become a real part of our lives, but even if it never become totally natural for us, just think of the benefits and pleasure that our children will derive from those moments. |
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