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Fostering Responsible Independence
The purpose in offering this program was twofold: to introduce parents and other adults to the Principles which undergird our program and to provide opportunities to discuss how the principles affect us as adults and then how it can inform our relationships with children and youth. We invited all adults who had children in their lives. The group that gathered included a newly married couple who were planning on having children, parents of very young children, those with teens, and women and men who were aunts, uncles grandparents and great-grandparents. We offered this course with revisions over three years. We took a hiatus this year and will be offering it again during 2000-2001. Those whose children were slightly older were wonderful models for those with young children. One of the unexpected results was that strong relationships were established among those who participated in this course which have been sustained over the years since the first offering.
SESSION I
Lighting chalice, welcoming participants
We conducted short survey in junior and senior youth Sunday
School classes
- Vast majority of respondents indicated that they struggle with their parents over issues of independence, increased freedom.
- We will not take an age-limited perspective; we believe this issue affects parents of children of all ages.
- First session gives us parents an opportunity to understand how we feel about this issue and what motivates our behavior.
Third session, again with only parents, allows us to synthesize our increased selfawareness with the information we've gathered from our youth to return to our thoughts from today's session and develop more useful strategies for the future
Participant introductions
Going around room, ask participants to briefly introduce selves, provide ages of children, and describe their expectations for meetings.
Leaders will record expectations on newsprint and post
Small group exercise
Divide participants into groups of four. Review worksheet and exercise instructions with group. Walk them through exercise, using example of 7-year-old and choice of clothing. Ask each participant to take 10 minutes to individually complete worksheet (following). Then group of four convenes, and each participant takes five minutes to review his/her responses with other members. Others listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, but do not analyze, solve problems, or form judgments. Process is repeated until everyone has had a chance to talk
One person acts as recorder and briefly summarizes each person's responses on one sheet of newsprint. After everyone has shared, group review responses on newsprint and decide what it will share with large group.
Large group discussion
Post all sheets of newsprint and ask representative from each group to quickly review its participants' responses. Ask large group for its reactions
- Are there any obvious or subtle patterns emerging here?
- What does this tell us about how and why we get into conflict with our kids?
- What issues emerge as paramount? Do our kids know that these issues are of utmost importance to us? If Sop how do we communicate this? If not, why not
- What information do we need from our children if we are to embark- on more meaningful discussions around independence and responsibility?
- What questions should we ask of our youth panel, who will join us next week?
Closing
Individual Worksheet
- Think of a difficult incident you have recently experienced with your child. Select an incident that involve your child's desire to express his or her independence, or to assume more responsibility. Describe this incident briefly.
- Describe how you responded to the incident. when and where it took place, what tone and words you used, etc.
- Now think quietly for a moment, and identify what was really driving your reaction. Why was this situation so troublesome for you? What button was your child pushing? Is there a larger issue hiding beneath the surface?
SESSION II
Lighting chalice, welcoming participants
Goal of this session: This session gives us a chance to synthesize our increased selfawareness with the information we heard from our youth to develop more useful strategies to use with our families
Reactions to youth comments
Implications
For parents: Our reactions often are motivated by fear. It is helpful if we can try not to give automatic "no" but rather to encourage dialogue by using other language, e.g., "That really scares me." We may be afraid that this behavior or request will escalate to other more problematic behavior. We're not always dealing with the here and now. We may be projecting far into future. We must give kids opportunity to take on more responsibility, starting when they are very young. We have responsibility to get to know our children's friends. Role of parent often conflicts with role of friend, and we often can't be both.
We need to communicate our knowledge of potential consequences. We are charged with providing guidance to our children. We may trust children but don't trust life. Families need to talk about how we will react when bad things happen. Parents need to be clear about their opinions and feelings, especially In a crisis. Help your children develop friendships with other caring adults, who often can see strengths in your children that you can't perceive.
For children: Give parents time to process a request. Clear thinking is virtually impossible in a crisis. Realize that your parents may trust you, but suspect that group dynamics can really change tenor of situation. Be clear about what you're asking. Try to understand that your parents are afraid for you. When possible, give them information that will allay their fears.
Action Plan: What will you do differently? Would anyone like to revisit his or her example from first
session.?
Closing
SESSION III
Lighting Chalice, welcoming participants
Discussion Questions
- Do you agree that Wellesley is a "fast track" community? If so, how? If not, why not?
- How has this affected you? In terms of sports? Academics? Social life?
- What are the advantages of living in a town like Wellesley? Disadvantages?
- What role could/should your parent play in helping you respond to the pressures you feel?
- Have you ever experienced discrimination based on your gender? Describe. In sports? Academics? Social life?
- It is generally believed that adolescence is a particularly difficult time. What do you think?
- When you entered middle school, were you aware of any changes in how you felt about yourself? In what ways? What did you do about it?
- Why do you think this happened? How did you feel about it?
- What advice would you give to those in middle school now that you are a bit removed from this phase?
- How could parents/school/church help at this time? What support would you have appreciated? What efforts did you resent?
- Tell us the real story on sexual involvement and alcohol/drug use among Wellesley youth. Should we be concerned?
- How have you been pressured to engage in activities with which you are uncomfortable?
- How do you resist such pressures? What would help you with this?
- Have you ever experienced positive peer pressure? Describe what it was and how you felt about it.
- In general, how can parents help with these and other difficult issues? What sorts of intervention would you welcome?
- What parental efforts backfire?
- What effect has our church and its religious education program had on your actions and decisions relative to these and other issues?
Closing |
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