Restorative Justice for All

This section is for victims and survivors of Unitarian Universalist (UU) clergy sexual misconduct. While there is a growing and rich literature on clergy sexual misconduct, there is not yet a standard guide written on healing. There is no equivalent to The Courage to Heal, a classic guide for survivors of child sexual abuse. Most of the literature is on what clergy sexual misconduct means and why it is wrong, including quite a number of case histories and testimonies. These are very helpful, but still, they leave you to extrapolate the steps involved in healing. There are also denominational manuals, but these are focused on working with their particular policies and procedures. While we can't hope to write the equivalent of The Courage to Heal (it's over 600 pages), we will try to fill this gap with a very brief overview of healing from clergy sexual misconduct, putting the aspect of filing a complaint with the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) in context and giving you a few checklists to help you in this arduous, but redemptive task.

Before getting into the particulars of healing, first and foremost, if you have been a victim of clergy sexual misconduct, we want you to know we are sorry for the profound suffering a Unitarian Universalist minister has caused you. We grieve with you over this breach of sacred trust that has threatened your connection to life and love.

It is wrong for a minister, a trusted advisor, to have taken advantage of you sexually and emotionally. While it is often said, more eloquently and at greater length by experts such as Marie Fortune, yet it bears repeating -- what happened was not your fault. You were vulnerable and he (or sometimes she) chose to not adhere to the ministerial code of ethics. To make matters worse, many people, particularly those in the congregation, may not see this clearly. They may cling to their limited vision of him and their hope that he is the person they thought he was, thus adding to your isolation and hurt. If they know who you are, they may blame you. But they too are wrong.

This is simple to say and it is the truth. However, until you have had the opportunity to heal, chances are this truth will be at loggerheads not only with the feedback you get from people around you, but also with your internal sense of shame and self-blame. You may think you personify the antithesis of inherent worth and dignity. Inevitably you will feel not only devalued, but also angry. However, you have every right to be angry and the energy of anger can be used to good ends. Your responsibility is not for the abuse, but to use this anger constructively -- to heal yourself.

Steps in Healing

Healing is hard and complicated work. In a denominational context, it's natural to think right away of filing a complaint as the answer to the problem. While this is the choice we devote the most time to in this report (given its orientation), it's important to understand it in context. It's one of the choices in the last step of healing -- the step of listening to your inner voice.

There are at least four steps to healing. They actually are fluid, and chances are you will move back and forth through them over the months and years it takes to recover.

1. Naming what happened. Understanding and believing that what happened to you was truly abuse is the first and critical step. Most likely you will return to this step any number of times, having to work through what happened repeatedly before you finally know the truth from your core.

2. Breaking the silence. This means finding someone to talk to whom you can trust. This too is a critical step. Given that your trust has been broken, often more than once, and that there are many people who don't understand abuse, this can be an enormous challenge. But there are people who can be trusted and who understand. They can be counselors or friends. Sometimes they are even ministers or rabbis, which can be particularly healing. Although no one is perfect, these people will have good boundaries, and in time it will be clear to you that they will not take advantage of you -- that they are there for you.

3. Educating yourself about clergy sexual misconduct. It is extremely helpful to understand the dynamics of abuse. At first, for example, people who been victimized, like others, often don't realize that the central issue is power -- not sex. To read about the experiences of others, to see the patterns and relate them to your own experience speeds understanding and thus healing. There are more and more workshops, retreats, books and articles, on both sexual abuse and clergy misconduct. We list some of the most helpful for victims and survivors at the end of this section.

4. Listening to your inner voice. Beyond the critical steps listed above, you must learn to trust yourself and choose what is best for your healing. The possibilities range from small acts of self-kindness to momentous undertakings that significantly affect the fabric of our society. But magnitude is not the issue. The issue is what works for you. We list some of the most likely options in the next section.

Possibilities for Healing

Therapy. Almost all victim/survivors benefit from good therapy. Just be careful to choose a therapist who is right for you. It's a good idea to ask for recommendations from friends, other survivors, family members, your local rape crisis center or women's shelter. Once you have some possibilities, screen them. This can be done on the telephone or in person. Be sure to find out such things as their background in working with sexual abuse victims and survivors, the techniques they use, their understanding of forgiveness, what they charge, if they are comfortable with your religious (or former religious) beliefs, and if they think sexual relations between an adult woman and minister are consensual.

Pastoral counseling. Not to be confused with therapy, pastoral counseling focuses specifically on your spiritual needs. While it's currently more the exception than the rule, this is a resource we encourage the denomination and "after pastors" to offer to all victims and survivors of UU clergy sexual misconduct. Certainly it is your right, since clergy sexual misconduct does such extensive damage to religious and spiritual understanding.

Other survivors. One survivor friend or a survivor support group can open your eyes in a particularly helpful way. It's much easier to see the injustice done to another victim, which in turn increases your understanding of what has happened to you.

Laughter. It may seem odd to say in a guide such as this, but frequently there's an absurd side to clergy sexual misconduct, and there is a time and place to relish this. To tap into it can be a rich source of relief and hence healing.

The simple things in life. When asked to name what has helped to cope with the pain, survivors will often top the list with things like chocolate, solitaire, music, children, long walks and nature. Actually, these are ways to reconnect with life, and as such are as important as anything else.

Confrontation

The most difficult choice you will face in your healing is whether or not to confront the minister and/or the institution, and if so how best to do this. Options (which are not mutually exclusive) include:

1. Confronting the minister informally;
2. Confronting the congregation, informally or using its sexual harassment policy if it has one;
3. Filing a complaint with the denomination; and
4. Filing a civil lawsuit or a complaint in criminal court;.

These are extremely difficult and personal decisions, which will inevitably have a profound impact on you. There are no simple or obvious approaches to them. Ultimately the decisions must come from your heart. Before deciding, it's a good idea to talk with a few trusted support people. These may include a therapist, partner or spouse, or good friends who have some understanding of the dynamics of abuse. A particularly important person to discuss this with is a trustworthy advocate. Hopefully, the UUA will have matched you with one by this stage.

Some questions (derived from The Courage to Heal) that may help in deciding are:

• What do I hope to gain from this confrontation?
• What do I stand to lose?
• Whom exactly do I want to talk to and why?
• What are my motives?
• Am I healthy enough to withstand the strain?
• Do I feel balanced enough to risk being called crazy?
• Can I withstand the anger I'm likely to face?
• Do I have a solid enough support system? Is it adequate to match the minister's support system?

If you decide not to confront, be sure this isn't because of shame or because you still feel the need to protect the minister or the congregation. There are good reasons for not confronting, but these ingrained self-denying patterns of victims and survivors are not among them. In fact, they are what you are trying to move beyond. If you are even a little successful in a confrontation, everyone will gain, as you will have helped break unhealthy patterns.

Working with an Advocate

As you move into confrontation, having an advocate is vital. She or he can help you work through these questions and decide what types of confrontation, if any, are your best options. It is our sincere hope that the denomination will provide you with an advocate experienced in both the dynamics of clergy sexual misconduct and the workings of Unitarian Universalism. This person would be roughly the equivalent of the "Good Offices Person" the defendant minister can call upon. Hopefully your advocate will have equal stature to the Good Offices Person. This is necessary for working with the congregation in particular. The deck is already stacked in favor of the minister. Then if he has another local minister as a support, while you have only a friend, at congregational or board meetings the power imbalance is palpable.

To be clear, an advocate is not the same as a lawyer or a therapist. Rather he or she is a professional who stands by you -- helping you clarify your needs and being your voice when you need this. An advocate offers support, and is a conduit between you and the congregation and between you and the denomination. If you decide to go to court, then you will need a lawyer. An advocate can help you in finding and choosing a lawyer.

As we write this report, there is a fledgling advocacy program in place. It appears that this will become a permanent part of the UUA's response to victim/survivors of clergy sexual misconduct. To find out more about having an advocate, the person to contact is either the Executive Vice President of the UUA or the Director of the Department of Ministry. They are currently coordinating this effort.

If the UUA does not give you an advocate, then it's a good idea to look for one on your own -- the most likely resources being your local rape crisis center or domestic violence shelter. Even if you are given a UU advocate, one problem is likely to be geographic distance. Be sure to work this through in advance. If you decide to file a complaint, for example, it will be critical to have your advocate with you for the investigation and hearing. You and your advocate might work out a team approach with someone at the local rape crisis center, for example, to help when emergencies arise.

In general, it's important that you feel you can work with your advocate and that she (or he) will provide the support you need. Things to assess in choosing an advocate include:

• Is she a good listener?
• Does he understand the workings of the UUA?
• Does she understand how clergy sexual misconduct affects a victim or survivor?
• Is he readily available? Does he give you clear contact information, including what do to in case of an emergency?
• If she is geographically removed from you, can you work out arrangements for her to be with you at the most critical junctures?

Filing a Complaint with the Denomination

One of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not to file a complaint with the Ministerial Fellowship Committee (MFC) of the UUA. This is the body that credentials UU ministers, and as such, it is currently the arm that can reprimand and defellowship, i.e. withdraw a minister's credentials.

For the past decade, and as we write this report, the MFC has been the only body in Unitarian Universalism to adjudicate complaints of clergy sexual misconduct. Its normal focus is on whether to fellowship ministers in the first place. As such, it is not only very busy, but its focus is very much on the minister, and not on any given congregation, much less an individual such as a complainant. Historically, the MFC process has treated complainants as evidence, not respected witnesses or plaintiffs, let alone people in great need of pastoral care. As a result, its response is at best a very limited justice, absent of compassion or understanding of your real needs. There is no provision for help paying for therapy or pastoral counseling, nor does the MFC have methodologies to reinstate complainants with their communities. The chances of being severely revictimized by this process are almost 100%.

Tragically, Unitarian Universalism is like most denominations and faiths in not having found a way to shift its focus to the victims and survivors of clergy sexual misconduct. In the last few years, however, the leadership of the UUA have increasingly understood this failing. The UUA Executive Vice President's eloquent apology at the 2000 General Assembly, the formation of the panel writing this report and the pilot advocacy programs are significant indicators of their growing concern and their desire to remedy this imbalance.

Meanwhile, as a victim or survivor, you cannot afford to simply trust the UUA's good intentions. Instead, you need to assess the pros and cons of filing a complaint in as clear-eyed a fashion as you can muster. We hope some day soon this section of the report can be rewritten, but until then here is a list of early warning signals that the UUA's adjudicatory process is still extremely dangerous for victims and survivors:

• There is a lack of clarity about who your primary contact person is at the UUA;
• Your phone calls are not returned;
• In a spirit of "it's your problem, not ours," staff suggest you seek therapy;
• The accused minister is consistently referred to as just the "minister" (rather than defendant), while you are referred to as the "complainant" (rather than congregant);
• The MFC procedures remain largely unchanged from the 1990s. In particular, look for rights given the defendant minister that are not accorded to you. The most telling points are:
  • The MFC will not commit to sending you their findings;
  • They will not agree to inform you of and allow you or your advocate to be present at hearings;
  • They indicate they are willing to arrange a "voluntary resolution" with the defendant minister without input from you.

On a more positive note, early signs that the process has improved include:

• The staff you speak with evidence concern and a willingness to help;
• The UUA provides you with an advocate;
• You are given after-hours, emergency contact numbers;
• The UUA gives you a copy of this guide;
• Arrangements are made so that you don't have to bear significant long distance charges;
• You are told that members of the MFC, its chair in particular, have had substantial education, including recent refresher training, on clergy sexual misconduct.

One aspect of filing a complaint that bears special attention is confidentiality. While not all victim/survivors feel the need for confidentiality, many (probably most) do. Actually, for many the absence of confidentiality in UU processes is reason enough not to break the silence. So in a sense this absence becomes a form of collusion.

There are two things that work against confidentiality. First is a fairly widespread notion that it's the same thing as secrecy. A request for confidentiality is often interpreted as being manipulative or cowardly. But this isn't true. Confidentiality is one of the few forms of protection the institution can offer you as you enter into a hazardous process. Just as newspapers keep the names of rape victims in confidence, so the UUA needs to make every effort to keep your name in confidence if you so choose.

The second barrier is that Unitarian Universalism is not as hierarchical as many other denominations and faiths. We use a model called congregation-based polity. In practical terms this means the locus of power rests with individual congregations, not with UUA executives. Chances are the leadership of any given congregation will not have much background in clergy sexual misconduct, and thus is unlikely to quickly understand issues like the need for confidentiality. It's particularly unlikely if the accused minister is still in the area. However, when you file a complaint with the MFC, normal patterns of polity are not being used. You are responding to its policies at an associational level, working with its ministerial credentialing process, and the UUA and MFC need to respond to you accordingly.

Currently the MFC does not automatically provide for your confidentiality. Until this piece is clearly addressed by the UUA, we would recommend that you discuss the risks and benefits of releasing confidentiality with your advocate. Your right to confidentiality will be honored by the MFC only if you request it. If you want it, in your initial letter of complaint to the MFC you should stipulate this. You might write that the MFC cannot consider your letter a formal complaint until it assures you that it will make every effort to keep your name in confidence, and that when the MFC contacts the minister it will stipulate serious sanctions against him if at any time he discloses your name.

If you do decide to try filing a complaint, initial contact is likely to be frightening and confusing. It's a point in the process where the risk of revictimization is high. You will be breaking the silence to an unknown and possibly hostile audience. However, looked at from a different perspective, it's the point when the onus of responsibility shifts from you to the UUA, where it belongs. The UUA cannot be expected to help if none of its staff have heard the facts. Meanwhile, alerting them to the problem, you become not only a victim of clergy sexual misconduct, but also a messenger of bad news. That's a volatile combination, and is one of the main reasons why having an advocate is to everyone's advantage, not just yours. The UUA needs to know. But what you have to share is hard for you to talk about and hard for them to listen to. An advocate bridges these painful gaps.

It not only takes great courage to confront the denomination, it is also an amazing testament to your belief in the worth of Unitarian Universalism. It says you believe our faith is capable of justice and mercy, and that you hold us to a higher standard. To quote Marie Fortune: "Perhaps the most powerful message we can receive from these women is that of their profound faithfulness, courage, and resilience. I am convinced that their love of the church is far greater than mine and their faith … far deeper than mine. Many of them have stood up to the powers and principalities of the church, have asked for what is rightfully theirs, and have refused to be silent or to disappear." (Victim to Survivor, p. xiii)

Conclusion

Where does healing lead? It's certainly not back to the person you were before the abuse happened. You don't "get over" clergy sexual misconduct -- ever -- but you can incorporate it into your life, working to a level of wholeness and self-acceptance you may never have dreamed possible. To have suffered so much gives you a depth and compassion that you are not likely to have had otherwise.

In the process of healing you inevitably struggle with the biggest questions in life: Why are we here? What is our meaning and purpose? Why do we suffer? This comes at a time when your worldview and belief system are likely to have been shattered. And so you must piece together from shards a theology that can honestly respond to your most profound questions. It is possible.

A spiritual practice is your birthright. Don't let one of our ministers -- a minister who has abused the ministry as well as you -- rob you of this. Right now there are individual UU ministers and leaders who want to help, and we believe that understanding in the Association is growing. It is our prayer that you heal quickly and that Unitarian Universalists will help you in your journey.

Resources

Referrals offered by the Center for Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence.
Website: www.cpsdv.org
Email: cpsdv@cpsdv.org
Phone number: 206-634-1903

Retreats offered by Patricia Liberty.
Associates in Education and Prevention in Pastoral Practice (AEPPP).
Website: www.aeppp.org
Email: pliberty@aeppp.org
P.O. Box 63.
North Kingstown, RI 02825.

Retreats offered by Billie Mazzei.
St. Placid Priory.
Lacey, WA .
Phone number: 360-438-2595.
Email: bmazzei@stplacid.org

Bass , Ellen and Laura Davis.
  The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 3rd ed. HarperTrade, 1994.

Fortune, Marie M.
  Is Nothing Sacred?: The Story of a Pastor, the Women He Sexually Abused, and the Congregation He Nearly Destroyed. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1989.

Friberg , Nils.
  Restoring the Soul of the Church: Healing Congregations Wounded by Clergy Sexual Misconduct. Collegeville, MN, The Liturgical Press, 1995.

Herman, Judith Lewis.
  Trauma and Recovery. New York: BasicBooks, 1992.

Horst , Elisabeth A.
  Recovering the Lost Self: Shame-Healing for Victims of Clergy Sexual Abuse. Collegeville, MN, The Liturgical Press, 1998.

Poling, Nancy Werking, editor
  Victim to Survivor: Women Recovering from Clergy Sexual Abuse Cleveland, United Church Press, 1999.

Rutter, Peter
  Sex in the Forbidden Zone: When Men in Power--Therapists, Doctors, Clergy, Teachers, and Others--Betray Women's Trust. Los Angeles: J.P. Tarcher, 1989.

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